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I think I just lost her for good.
twenty-one
BELLE
“I know,”Willa says patiently. She’s been listening to me complain about Kai for hours at this point. He never came back, but Cal went after him. He texted that they’re fine and will be back later.
“I don’t know what to do, Willa.”
She sighs. “What are your feelings for him? Separate from everything that just happened. I know you’re pissed and hurt right now. But deep down, what do you feel about Kai?”
I think about that. I’m not really sure how to answer. Do I love him? Yes, I always have. That doesn’t mean he deserves my forgiveness, or to. . . date me? Is that what he was begging for?
“Can we stop tiptoeing around the shit?” Maverick exclaims. His hair is sticking up at all angles, and his eyes are red and puffy.
“Mav…” Willa warns.
“No! Look where keeping shit bottled in got us. She deserves to know so she can understand. You and Kai areboth asking her to make an uninformed decision, and honestly? Fuck that.”
“What are you talking about?” I ask him. I’m not really ready for any more bombs to be dropped today, but he’s right. We need to drop the bullshit.
“Kai has major abandonment issues. Ezra left him. Then you left the band, and him by proxy. His dad walked out on their family and his mom can’t even look at him because he has Ezra’s face,” Mav explains.
“I think he’s unfairly putting a lot of that on you because of the timing of when you left. And he seems to have always loved you and thought he lost you to his brother. So I don’t think that helped either,” Willa adds.
“He’s been dealing with all of that, and no one said anything?” I ask as my brain slowly processes how deeply Kai is hurting.
“I think it’s becoming pretty obvious we suck at communicating,” Mav mutters.
“Even if I forgive him, and I’m not saying I do, he’s just going to assume I’ll leave the band again.” Kai has a way of making me feel like no matter how many times I include myself with them or say I want to stay, he just won’t even believe me.
“Are you? Going to leave the band?” Mav asks. He asks kindly, but the question is still loaded.
“I have no idea! I don’t want to, but there’s still a chance there won’t be a band soon, anyway,” I say, standing to pace while I rant. “And why does my status with the band matter? Is that a requirement to be with Kai? Is loving him not enough?”
“You love him?” Willa asks with a knowing smirk.
“Of course I love him! I’ve always loved his stupid ass! I’m just furious with him right now. Furious and confused.”
“I think that’s fair, considering everything,” Mav says.
“I don’t know what to do. I’ve wanted to be with Kai my whole life. I loved him even when I thought he hated me. But he’s not…” I search for the words I want and come up empty.
“He’s not okay. You don’t need to find a complicated term. Kai isn’t okay. He has a lot of things that weigh heavily on his shoulders. You can help him carry that weight, maybe even offload some of it, but it has to be something you’re willing to do. Something you know you’re signing up for and won’t back down from. He loves you, Belle, but he won’t survive losing you after he’s had you.”
“Jeez. No pressure, Mav,” I try to joke.
“He’s right though. Think about it. Don’t decide anything now. I love you both, and I know someone is going to get hurt no matter what, but at least make the choice that’s best for you,” Willa says, giving me a quick hug.
I wander like a zombie to my bed and lay down. Napping seems like a better idea than thinking right now.
“Belle, wake up!”
I shoot up immediately and look around. My heart is racing out of my chest.
“What? What is it? Was I dreaming again?” I ask Willa, feeling embarrassed for constantly waking them with my screaming.
“I got a text from Cal. Kai is at a pub with a glass ofwhiskey in front of him. He won’t leave, and Cal thinks you’re the only one who can get him out,” she explains in a rush, seeming panicked.
