AllFreeNovel
Share Us
This has been a mistake from the beginning.
A minute passes. Then two. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Rory shifting uncomfortably in his seat. His mouth opens and clothes. His tension melts. Breath evens until finally he murmurs my name. “Constance…”
I don’t look at him.
“I’m sorry,” he says. Sounds like he means it. “I’m so sorry, I…” Rory leans forward, resting his forehead on the wheel. “I’m messed up, okay?”
I frown. “What’s that mean?”
“I mean…” He swallows up a big breath. “There’s a reason I left the big city. A reason I didn’t want to say because… I’ve been afraid that speaking it into being will somehow make the problem worse.” He rolls his tongue into the inside of his cheek in thought for a moment. “Turns out I’m just making it worse.”
I won’t dare to guess at why he left. In his line of work in a place as big as Chicago, I can only imagine how unpredictable life was.
“I wish it was some hero story or something, but the truth is…” Rory dips his head down and laughs sadly. “It was killing me.”
I tilt my head to the side. “Metaphorically or…?”
“No, literally.”
I hold his gaze. “Oh.”
“The job, it… it’s stressful. It almost killed my dad too, although he wouldn’t put it that way.”
“A family of cops.”
Rory attempts to smile. “South Side Chicago Irish types.”
I smile.
“Anyway, I watched my dad have issues for years with high blood pressure and insomnia and things that a therapist would have helped if he wasn’t stubborn,” Rory explains. “Then I got the job and I was so proud. For a long time, I was just… well, I loved it. And once it wore off, all that was left was how difficult it was.”
“I can imagine it’s difficult fearing for your life.”
Rory sighs. “That’s just the half of it. You have to get over that really quick. But you never getoverit. It’s always in the background of anything you do. There was always a part of me measuring up every interaction, wondering what I’ll do if it goes south.”
“That must have been difficult.”
“It was. Because then there are so many other balls to juggle. A mental load that, as much as you want to shake, follows you everywhere. I started to get disillusioned with the whole system. Arresting folks who were just trying to make things better for their families, forcing unhoused people out of businesses when they just wanted a place to sit for a while, having to be the bearer of bad news…” Rory swallows, the corners of his eyes creasing. “The stress got to me a lot quicker than it did my dad. I pretended like it wasn’t a big deal. The high blood pressure, the anxiety, all the back pain. My doctor warned me I couldn’t keep this up. And then…”
The car is silent again. I wait with bated breath.
“I had a heart attack. About ten months ago,” Rory says.
I can’t keep from gasping. “What?”
“Yeah, that’s about right.”
“You’re so young,” I say.
He nods. “Yep.”
Something akin to shame is painted on his face. And I want nothing more than to wrap my arms around him and let him bury all the hurt inside me. Be the comfort that I think he so desperately needs. I’m not surprised it was hard for him to be honest with me the other day in the basement. He didn’t want me to get close to that part of him.
Because he’s ashamed.
I want to take that away from him too.
“After I recovered, I took a leave, figured things out and… now I’m here.” Rory gives me a pained smile.
