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“I didn’t mean to blow you off, Zander.”But I’d really like to blow on you. What? Where were these errant thoughts coming from?
“Really?” He looked unsure, his head slightly tilting to his right.
“Yeah, I turned off my phone. I just wanted some peace after being splashed on the front pages of a college gossip website.” I took my gaze off of him and looked at the TV. I lowered the volume a couple of notches down and tucked my feet under my seat.
“I heard about that stupid website,” his eyes glared. Zander stood from where he was sitting and took the space on the right side of the couch, inches away from where I sat.
“I just want you to know Sedona; I have nothing to do with that. I don’t even know why people bother with that stuff. John texted me the picture of us this morning.” At close length, I smelled his aftershave and it smelled sexy. He must have shaved before coming here. I kept my hand from reaching out to his face. He touched my hands and slightly rubbed them together, while he quietly said, “I don’t mean for you to be dragged into something like this. I honestly don’t know why it’s a big fuss who I hang out with,” His head shook while his hands continued to graze mine.
I pursed my lips, “Zander, I think it’s because you’re a popular guy,” I reflected, “First of, you’re a star athlete. Second, your parents are headline-grabbing individuals. I mean, your parents areTHESev and Dr. Haven Zobowksi.”
He shrugged his shoulders, looking defeated, “Yeah, but I’m not them. I understand that they’re in the limelight. I highly doubt my dad even likes it. Or my mom. They just happen to be regular people who have become great at what they do. And me? I’m not a star, I just love to play football.”
“You probably don’t consider yourself as a star, but other people do.” I was rubbing his hands now, soothingly.
He sat closer. “Does this bother you?”
Was he talking about him rubbing me? No. It didn’t bother me. I wanted him to rub me some more, from my neck to my shoulders to my feet.
Oh stop it, naughty thoughts!
He clarified himself, “Does the situation bother you? This whole website thing?”
“Yes,” I admitted, “It makes me feel out of control and it really freaks me out that someone is out there taking pictures of me, without my knowledge.” My breath was hitched. I sat straighter and in the process, pulling slightly away from him. Rehashing the gossip website’s image of Zander and I reminded me of why I needed the ‘me’ time today. The photo-snapping thing by strangers freaked me out.
Zander kept rubbing my hands, refusing to let go even when I pulled back. His hands moved to my face and he slowly turned my face towards him, leaving me with no choice but to look at his bottomless eyes.
“I have no control of what these people do, Sedona. I don’t even understand why someone would be doing this to me, and most of all, to you,” his voice, heavy with hope, “Last night was fun for me. I’d really like to have more of those.”
This was my chance to bring back normalcy in my life. In my world, life was simple. I had great friends, a cool dad, and a few acquaintances. I was comfortable and secure. I knew that I could step out of my apartment knowing that what I planned to do for the day will be done in the exact moment that I want it to be done. I hated curveballs. I didn’t like not knowing. And this, this was what Zander was asking me to do right now. I didn’t even know what we were going to be with each other. He was giving me the choice, leaving it up to me to say, ‘aye’ or ‘naye.’
I looked at the TV screen in front of me. How easy it would be to just say yes. Yes to possibilities. Yes to new things. Yes to excitement and more of his burning kisses. Oh, how easy it would be.
“Zander, I’m sorry, I just can’t do this right now. I’m really concentrating on graduation and the coming semesters. School’s starting in like three days. I don’t have time for all the distractions.” I faced him and I pulled my hands away from his grasp. I needed the space. I wanted to bring back the equilibrium that I constantly treaded on.
He took a long look at the TV directly in front of him. The muscle on his jaw started ticking and I had the odd feeling that this was how he prepared himself for a letdown.
In a soft voice, I found myself saying, “I had fun last night with you. I just don’t like the paparazzi-like people.” His eyes were now trained on me. “I’m not ready to get into anything right now. I just came out of a relationship. I don’t like feeling out-of-control and that’s how I feel with everything that’s going on.”
He looked at me with hooded eyes, “I understand.” He pulled my hands back to his, held them for what must have been like 5 minutes, and slowly pulled his legs up from the couch.
I stood up and walked towards the door. It was easier this way. I had goals. I had plans. He was going to distract me from all of those. I knew because he made me feel out of balance, out of my comfort zone.
He walked slowly towards the door and softly said, “Nice meeting you, Sedona.”
I nodded and closed the door behind me. In my mind, I made the right decision. Then, why did my heart feel laden with sadness?
*****
After picking Kieran up from the airport, we spent a lot of time together. Spring Semester was starting soon. The next few days passed in a flurry of activities. Mostly with Kieran. I thoroughly missed hanging out with him. When he went to compete for the qualifying meets for the World Championships, he was gone for almost 2 weeks. Before he left for the meets, majority of his days were spent either in class or in the pool. We had a lot of catching up to do.
We went snorkeling in Clipper Cove Way, hiked in the Santa Cruz Mountain Trails, and spent a lot of time at the beach. Kieran did not have to practice for a few days, but I knew he was itching to. I sort of helped him practice by serving as his timekeeper/coach/cheerleader when he swam in the ocean waters. He was such a sight to see in the water, as if he was born to be in it.
After my conversation with Zander, which ended with me basically telling him that I was not ready for anything, I did not expect to hear anything from him. I was extremely surprised when I received a text from him that same night. His text was ‘Goodnite’.The next night, I received another text, ‘Sweet dreams’.
It was almost a regular thing now. At 10 PM, my phone pinged with an incoming text from him. I just read them. I did not reply back. I fought the urge to respond back. It bothered me a bit that I found myself looking forward to his texts before I went to sleep.
In a way, it was good for me to be with Kieran. It made me focus on what my goals were. I became more comfortable in my decision of not pursuing anything with Zander. But, there were times; I was roused from sleep, dreaming of his blue-green gaze.
