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I feel the heartache when he reveals what this means for us; that I will live hundreds of lifetimes before I can remainbeside him. Oh, the pain he will endure for all these centuries, convincing me to love him again and again.
I can’t help but hurt for him. He assures me that it’s worth it, that we will be grateful once I finish my journey.
Thisis what love is. No forced encounters, no possessiveness or jealousy. At its core, it’speace. Peace that he’s willing to endure lifetimes of pain to achieve.
Lifetimes I’m willing to endure, as well.
At the fragile age of eighty-three, I die, and before I go, he kisses me sweetly and promises to see me in the next life.
When the visions stop, tears are running down my cheeks. It’s as if a puzzle piece has clicked into place, removing the emptiness I’ve felt my whole life.
It’s alltrue.
There’s no more questioning, no more debating the truth. I can’t deny what I saw, what Ifelt. Already I am losing hold of the memories and panic overtakes me.
Arman grasps my hand, acting as a lifeline. “It’s okay, Amelia. The memories are simply too much for your human mind to handle. Just grasp onto what feels most important.”
That first life. That’s what’s most important.
I sniffle and lean into him, unsure what to say. The overwhelm is beginning to subside as the memories fade, and I’m left trying to understand what this means for me.
In almost every life I choose Arman, but not all. There are times where I’m too narrow-minded to give him a chance, and others where I never meet him at all. “How do you handle it all? Sometimes I don’t choose you,” I croak while trying to wipe away the incessant tears running down my cheeks.
He pulls me closer and rubs my arm comfortingly. “You’re worth the pain.” He places a kiss on top of my head. “And it’s not your fault. This is what we agreed to, Amelia. WhatIagreedto, knowing the cost. We knew what we were getting into. Who would I be to complain about a choice that I made?”
A choice. Every life is a choice, not just for Arman but for me.Thislife is a choice. My last life, I remember him telling me a month ago.
I think about the Society. My family and friends. Elliot. Olivia.
One thing I have realized in my twenty-six years is that love does not conquer all. We have to make choices every day, and we have to make choices that are best for ourselves, even if that means leaving loved ones behind.
Because I love Arman. I know I do, I felt it over and over. Even when I tried to fight those feelings at every turn, my subconscious always knew. It was a fight I was never going to win. But that doesn’t change the fact that I have not spent enough time with him to fully feel it in this life.
If I choose Arman now, that will be it. I will be pushed to reach Elderhood. I will have to leave everyone behind. The prophecy suddenly enters my mind—it could also catalyze something greater. One thing I remember from the visions is that the Society Elders are not as good as they claim. Anything different from them is a threat, and if I make the choice to stay with Arman, I can never see anyone from the Society again for fear of putting them in danger.
I can’t just abandon my family and friends. Ilovethem.
I bury my face in Arman’s shoulder and wrap my arms around his waist tightly, trying to grasp any sense of comfort that I can. “I don’t know what to do. My family…Olivia…”
He places a hand on the back of my head to pull me closer and buries his face in my hair. “I know, my love. I’m so sorry you have to make this choice.”
We sit there in silence, and I appreciate the quiet support as thoughts race through my head. It’s clear that I can’t make this choice with my heart; I must decide with my head. I start toconcoct a plan to help make my decision. It’s not perfect, but at least it’s something.
I take a breath and extract myself from Arman to look him in the eyes. “First of all, I’m sorry for how I’ve acted.”
He shakes his head and places a kiss on my forehead. “Don’t apologize. It’s not an easy choice, nor is it usual. I can’t fault you for acting, well, human.”
I’m overcome with affection for him as I pull him in for a quick kiss on the cheek. Afterward, I rest my forehead against his, closing my eyes. “I need to talk with my family. Not to tell them, mind you. I know better than that. But…to make sure that I make the right choice when the time comes.” I pull back and move my hand down to interlock with his. “I’ll have a party. Invite everyone, including…including Elliot.” Elliot might have the most to lose. I only know of the laws regarding True Partners in terms of death, and the widowed partner can never be given a new partner. If it happens prior to procreation, the widow is treated even worse. It’s never expressly stated, but citizens view these people as leeches, not contributing as they should. It’s completely unfair, but it’s the way things are. I can only imagine how bad it would be when you add treason into the mix.
Arman doesn’t react to Elliot’s name, simply nods. “Of course. But remember, Amelia, you can’t live for anyone but yourself. You must do what’s best for you, no matter what that means or who it hurts.”
He’s right, I know he’s right. That’s the only way to make an informed decision because no matter what, someone will get hurt.
I stand, the weight of the world on my shoulders. I need to get home and start planning. “I should go. Olivia is waiting for me, and I promised I’d only be an hour.” He’s now standing next to me, and I bump his hip with mine in an attempt to lighten the mood. “Y’know, in case you were gonna kill me or something.”
He smiles at my attempt at humor, but I can see in his eyes how he hurts for me. “No killing. C’mere.” He pulls me to him for a long, desperate hug. “I love you,” he murmurs in my hair, showing no sign of letting go.
I squeeze his middle, unable to return the sentiment just yet. I pull back and give him a sweet smile before extracting myself. “I’ll see you soon.”
