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Nothing could be further from the truth. “I think you care a lot about your patients, and I think you sometimes beat yourself up over it. But you’re the furthest thing from weak, Lainey.”
She’s quiet for a moment, and I press the phone to my ear, trying to decipher the white noise on the other end. The crumple of a Kleenex here, a clearing of her throat followed by a shuddering exhale. If I were a betting man, I’d say she’s been sitting in her car by herself, crying. That thought has me out of bed, racing towards my closet for a hoodie as she musters the courage to tell me about her night. I can be at the hospital parking lot in eight minutes and have my arms around her offering the only comfort I know how to offer.
“I took this job because I wanted the experience, but I also wanted to help. I knew each case would hurt to see … they’re survivors of sexual assault, there’s no easy way out of that.”
I nod slowly, going back to sit on the side of my bed, hoodie half over my shoulder.
“I didn’t expect to see so manyyounggirls. Ryan …” her voice cracks as she continues, “The girl tonight was eleven.Elevenfucking years old. That’s not fair.”
I lie back on the bed, feet still firmly planted on the floor as a sour feeling overtakes my stomach. “Christ.”
“I don’t know if I’m cut out for this. I can’t handle it. I can’t see these girls and then go home at night andnotthink about them.”
Her confession has me sitting upright, pulling my hoodie off again, and tossing it on the floor. “Now that I disagree with.”
A few sniffles on her end. “Why?”
“The world needs people like you to care about others. There are already too many people who don’t give a shit. We don’t need any more of that. You took this job knowing it would hurt. We both know, and have heard, the awful stories that circulate in the hospital about nasty cases. But you took this job because youwanted to be there for those people, and I know you’re hurting right now, but I’m willing to bet anything that you made a huge difference in that girl’s life.”
“How do you know?”
I’ve never been good at comforting people. I’m not exactly the person people turn to for a shoulder to cry on. I figure I’m too much of a lost soul to be the optimistic one. I don’t always know the right words to say, but with Lainey, I find myself looking for the little flicker of hope in the day, wanting to focus on the silver lining in every situation.
“Because I know you … or at least I’m getting to know you. You make people feel better when you’re around, Lainey.” I pause for a minute, wondering if she’s going to say anything. When she’s quiet for a beat, the sounds of muffled sniffles on the other end, I continue. “I don’t think you realize it, but you have this … this calming sense about you. Patients notice it, our coworkers notice it, I sure as hell have noticed it, and I’m sure this little girl tonight did too. Whatever you said to her, or just by being with her so she wasn’t alone, I’m sure she will remember it down the road.”
“That’s sweet to say.”
“I mean it.”
She’s quiet again before a soft chuckle fills the phone. “Wanna know something stupid?”
“Always.”
“This case was pretty clear-cut; I think her abuser will get some prison time. I was thinking how it doesn’t feel like enough of a punishment, going to prison, and there was a brief moment when I wished I knew of some Boondock-Saint-Style vigilante soldiers in the city that I could pay to take care of this the right way. Like a Robin Hood but more morally grey.”
I chuckle, thinking of five-foot-nothing Lainey in a back alley somewhere, meeting with a group of self-proclaimed soldiers todo her dirty work.Sitting back up on the bed, I debate driving to see her. Maybe it’s selfish, but my body’s longing to hold her again.
“That’s not stupid, if I knew of any, I’d do the same thing.” I pick up my sweatshirt from the floor and toss it on, leaving my bedroom to go find my shoes. “Want me to come see you?”
“No, oh gosh no, you should be sleeping! Don’t you work tomorrow?”
My heart sank a little that she didn’t take me up on my offer. Although knowing her, she’d feel guilty if I came to see her, even though I’m the one that offered. From what I’ve seen, the most generous and giving woman I’ve ever met doesn’t offer herself the same amount of comfort she gives to others. “You should be sleeping, too.”
I hear her start her car in the background, rustling for the seat belt as she puts me on speaker. “I’m just about to drive home.”
“Are you safe to drive home? Take your time, no need to rush when you’re tired.”
“I’ll be fine.”
I stand in the darkness of my apartment, unsure of what to do. Every atom in my body is aching to see her, to study her face and make sure she is okay. It doesn’t feel right that after this she goes home to a quiet apartment, nothing more than her thoughts to distract her.
“Ryan?” she asks softly.
“Yeah?”
She’s quiet for a beat, and I stay frozen in place, not wanting the echo of my steps to drown out her soft voice.
“Thank you. And thank you for watching the office and reminding me of my favorite episode. It was the first time I smiled in hours.”
