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Chapter Thirty-Three
Ryan
At some point over the weekend, from the combination of no sleep and stress, my stomach seemed to hollow itself out, twisting mercilessly around the base of my spine. I can’t figure out if I’m pissed at Lainey for not telling me herself or pissed that it even happened to her. Or if I’m mad at myself for being such a pussy. I’m torn between this feeling of fucking missing her and wishing I had never known her.
My hands tremble at my sides, a result of not eating much over the last few days besides the caffeine needed to keep me functioning. I force myself down the steps of the back corridor to the main level. Memories of finding Lainey in this same hall, pressing her up against the wall flood my mind. I shove those memories down, painful as they are right now, and pull my phone out to find three missed calls and a text from Corey.
Corey: Call me, you little son of a bitch.
Even in the worst of times, she can make me smile.Corey’s called me non-stop since Friday night, leaving voicemail aftervoicemail, asking if I’ve talked to Lainey and if we are still together.
I’ve been avoiding calling her back because I don’t have the answers to anything right now.
I grab a hot coffee and cold sandwich from the display case in the cafeteria, swipe my badge to pay, and find a quiet spot in the lobby to sit. The blue vinyl creaks as I settle in, feeling every bit as stiff and worn as I do.
I take a bite of my sandwich, the sandpaper texture so dry I gag. I toss it into the garbage can next to me as I dial Corey.
She answers with a scream. “Finally. I was seriously ready to march my ass down to that hospital and force you to talk to me. I think distance has made you forget how crazy I can be when I want to, Ryan.” She releases a huge exhale. “Okay, talk to me, tell me everything now that I can relax knowing you are alive.”
“Yeah, I’m here. Guess you could say alive.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Like I’ve been gutted.”
“Have you talked to her yet?”
“Sort of. We got into it a little after leaving the bar, she stormed out of the truck and I drove off, th—" Corey starts barking at me, something about running away from my problems when I cut her off.
“If you would have let me finish, Cor, I would have told you that I came to my senses a little and turned around. We went back to her apartment and talked some, but it was awkward. And then I went home.” I haven’t seen her since, not even around the unit. I’m sure she’s avoiding me, and I can’t blame her. I’ve been trying to stay busy and not face the possible fallout from everything. I know she’s working today; I don’t need to physically see her to know she’s everywhere. I hear her voice echoing out of every patient room, I can smell her sweet perfume lingering in the supply closet.
Corey is quiet for a minute before she says, “Don’t be mad at me for asking this, but do you think you might have overreacted?”
“Overreacted?” I bellow. My reaction gathers a few looks from the reception staff. I turn my back to them and clear my throat. “How am I overreacting? We saw Mom go through how many guys? She let them throw her around or use her for what little money we had. She chose them over us every time. I know you remember that night with CPS as well as I do, if not better. I haven’t had a girlfriend in over ten years so I don’t end up in the exact position I am now. The last thing I ever wanted was to end up with someone who is exactly like Mom.”
“Do you think she isanythinglike Mom?”
No.
The answer comes to me immediately. Lainey is nothing like my mom. Hell, she’s nothing like any woman I’ve ever met, which is why I have become so enamored by her. I ignore Corey’s question, letting the silence stretch on as I lean back in the stiff chair, picking at a loose thread in my scrub pants.
“It was embarrassing, finding something out like that,” I finally muster.
“I know,” Corey says quietly, “but God, Ryan, how fucking embarrassing do you think it was for her? Having her dirtiest secret aired out in front of all of us? Against her will?”
I nod, knowing Corey can’t see it but unable to do much else.
“Did she tell you the story?”
“No,” she offered, but I wasn’t ready to hear it. I’m still not. And not sure if I ever will. When you care about someone, the last thing you want is a mental image of them getting hurt by someone else. “I don’t want to know.”
“Maybe you don’t need a play-by-play, but Ryan, maybe it’ll make you understand her better. After you guys left, I asked that Jenna girl what had happened.” She’s quiet for a while, and Ican hear the crinkle of a wrapper in the background. “I’m stress eating chocolate right now.”
I smile at her comment. Corey always has chocolate hidden somewhere. She chews a bit, swallowing and clearing her voice before she continues. “He broke her fucking jaw, Ryan. She had to have it wired shut. Could youimaginethe mental torment that would do to a person?”
Wincing at that thought of Lainey hurt, of someone having the balls to do that to her, I lean forward in my chair to rest my head in my hands. “Jesus Christ.” I swallow hard to keep my coffee from coming back up. Hearing that little snippet of information makes all my initial questions about her make sense. Why she refuses to date, why she’s so wonderful yet has so little confidence in herself, why she works a second job helping victims of abuse even though it tears her up inside? Why she loves to cook.“Imagine a diet of pureed foods and it changes how you look at things.”
“Corey. Fuck.Fuck.”
