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CHAPTERONE
JANUARY
Here I am standing in my childhood kitchen feeling like a stranger for the first time in my life, looking at my father’s face after I have told him of my plans for the next few months. “So you are not going back to school right now, is that what you are telling me?” Of course that is what he would focus on.
“I am not saying that. I am just going to take a month or so to follow this and see where it goes, you know. Figure out who I am.” He looks sad when I say that and I wish I could take it back but at the same time, it is the truth.
“My darling girl, you know who you are.” I begin shaking my head because ever since I found out the truth, I can’t find myself.
“I wish that was true. Look, I have to go.” Getting up, I lean over, kiss his cheek, grab my bag and walk out the front door. It’s funny how for so long leaving this house was my safe space, even after my mom died this was where all of my memories with her were so it was still my safest place. Now, everything feels…false.
“I love you sweetheart and nothing you find out is going to change that. I hope you find what you are looking for but more than that, I hope you remember that everything you need to know is in your heart.” His words are the last things I hear before I take the Uber to the clinic. The ride there is quiet, pensive even. I can’t seem to stop shaking my legs and wringing my hands. Am I doing the right thing? Does this make me selfish and ungrateful? And what am I going to do if I find him? What if he doesn’t want to know me? All of this has been on repeat in my mind like an old school cd player, but I am going to forge ahead because one thing I got from my mother is determination and stubbornness.
“Ma’am.” I hear the driver address me and look out of the window.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” I say, opening the door. We have arrived. He pops the trunk for me so I can grab my suitcase since right from here I am going wherever the information from the file takes me. If there is anything to find out. “Thank you,” I tell him once more before he pulls off.
Walking inside, I can’t help noticing how many couples are in here together, supporting one another and I wonder what brought my mom here, alone. “Good morning. How can I help you Mrs.?”
“Oh no, I spoke with Carin Moore the other day. My name is January Conway. I believe she is expecting me.” Her eyes light up and she nods her head.
“Oh my gosh yes. I am Carin.” She comes from around the desk and pulls me into her arms. “Let me look at you. Just a darling,” she says, touching my cheeks. I smile because I don’t know what else to do but inside I am a little confused and uneasy. She notices the look on my face since I have never been good at hiding my feelings and she laughs. “Oh dear I’m sorry. You have to forgive me. It’s just you were the first baby created from our clinic. Back when you were made, we had just opened not two weeks before.” Oh wow.
“Oh that makes sense.” Nodding she pulls me to the wall and points to a baby picture that I recognize of myself.
“Your mama brought you here once right after you were born so we could take this picture and put it on our wall.” I am in my mama's arms and the smile on her face could light up Paris. That is how she always looked at me. Like it was the best thing that ever happened to her. “Now, I know you came here for the file. Luckily your mama picked one of our donors who opted for a partially opened file.”
“Partially open?” I ask while I take the file from her hand and open it eager to begin looking through it.
“Yes. If it were closed we would have been unable to give you anything. If it were all the way open we could give you his name. Partially open we can give you date of birth, ethnicity, place of birth and plans for their life.” That makes sense. I am glancing through the file as she talks and I notice something at the bottom that says,maximum 12.
“What is this? What does this mean?” She leans over and looks at what I am pointing at.
“Oh that means he only gave us permission to use his specimen twelve times and then it had to be disposed of.” Suddenly my chest begins to feel a bit heavy. Twelve? Is that normal? Have any of them come here?
“Wow that’s a lot. Have any of them, huh…” She smiles and places her hand on mine.
“You are the first one dear. As a matter of fact, I was going to offer you the use of this service, a chat group if you will that I will set up under the specimens number and if any of them come in they will be given the chat info and then you guys can meet. Would you be interested?” Oh my God. Is she serious?
“Yes. I would be very interested.” She claps her hands before handing me all of the information, asking me if she can help me with anything else and walking away.
Feeling a bit overwhelmed, I move to one of the empty corners in the lobby just long enough to try to see where I should start. I notice a small note attached to the file and pick it up. I spend a few minutes realizing it is the handwriting of the man who donated a part of himself to bring me here and a single tear leaves my eye.
If you are reading this then that means I am your sperm donor. I am not going to give you my entire life story here. This paper is much too small for that. I will only say I have plans, big plans for my life and they begin from the moment I walk out of this door as I am going back home to Texas to enlist in the Marines. I guess I just felt that if something happens and I don’t make it out of there alive, my mother who was an amazing woman and the only person in my life to believe beside my grandma, her legacy should live on, in you. Thus my specifications for your names should you turn out to be a girl. I wish you all good things and who knows, maybe one day our paths will cross, and I will immediately know who you are.
Forever in your blood,
No. Pl18956
With tears falling down my face, I smile. “Looks like I am going to Texas.”
God, I forgot how much I hate planes. I think when I get into the Uber and take a deep breath after being on the plane for a mere two hours and fifty-five minutes. I am not exactly claustrophobic, but I don’t like being in enclosed places with strangers either.
After giving the driver the address to the VA which is where I am going to start, I pull the file out once more and go through it. I am starting at the VA because he said he was enlisting and even though he could have changed his mind, I am going on faith he didn’t. I figured I could go there, maybe get a print out of every male who enlisted with this birthdate on the date he gave his donation and start from there. I don’t know it can’t be that many, right?
“Here you are Miss.” I look at the building with a sense of anticipation. This is either going to lead nowhere, or I am going to start a real adventure. I give him a tip for grabbing my stuff out of the trunk for me and roll my bag into the building.
“Welcome to Veterans Affairs. How may I direct you?” Shoot. I don’t know what to call it.
