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There hasn’t been a single time Andie has treated me in any way other than as just a man–one who started out alone and frightened and made it to the other side. She may not know it, but she’s the first person outside my brothers to show me what that kind of love feels like, and it goes so far beyond that. She hasn’t said it, but I know whether she likes me or not, she cares about me, and that’s way more than I’ve ever had before.
I make my way down the hallway and into my new space, which contains the kitchen and living room. The white walls, vaulted ceiling, and sliding glass windows leading out to the pool make the large open area light and bright. All of it is a drastic contrast to my former home, which was painted in dark hues and settled in the woods.
I don’t mind the brightness and the warm air, but I miss the peace I’d recently found just before I had to uproot my life and enter the unknown once again.
My phone buzzes on the counter, and I reach for it, hoping it’s Andie, but it’s just Shane.
“Hey, bro.”
“How’s your mind? You ready for the game?”
Shane’s bluntness and concern is evident. He knows precisely the stress and anxiety of this kind of move. There’s a whole lot more involved than putting on a new jersey, but I have no doubt this phone call is more about who I left behind.
“I guess we’ll find out. I’ve got most of the plays down. The coaches have been great, and I can already tell the team works like a well-oiled machine. Kenny’s great, and I think we’ll work well together. We just need a little time to work on cues.”
Kenny, the Kings quarterback, is a veteran and has taken me under his wing. We’ve not played together before, but working with someone experienced and comfortable in his role makes this kind of quick change easier to adapt to.
“I wish we could be at the game. You being a King was not something I ever thought I’d see. Maggie is losing her shit over this. Her crazy sixth sense is predicting you’re going to help get these boys to the Super Bowl.”
Not so long ago, a shot at a Super Bowl ring would have been my sole focus, and this trade would have been welcomed. It would have been an easy transition because nothing else mattered, but everything has changed. I’ve changed, and it hurtslike hell to finally see what’s right in front of me, but it’s still out of reach. The whole world. The real deal. What was within my grasp now feels like it's being tugged away, and there isn’t a single thing I can do to keep it from disappearing.
“I feel lucky to have ended up here, but the timing couldn’t have been worse.” The line goes quiet, and I know this is the real reason he called.
“How did you leave things?” Shane’s soft question is like a punch in the stomach.
I’m not sure I even know how to answer. I told Andie nothing was changing, but over the past four days, it’s completely apparent everything has changed. Our short phone conversations are not the same as sitting with her, looking into her eyes, and knowing what she’s thinking.
She’d just let down her guard with me, but last night on the phone, when all of the sass came out, I couldn’t help but feel like the vulnerable Andie, the one she finally let me see, was gone. It was like a stab in the gut. I don’t want to lose the trust and closeness we gained with the physical distance between us.
“I’m not really sure. I mean...I told her I didn’t want this move to change anything, but how could it not?”
I try to sort out if I want to say more and then decide if I’m going to be honest, Shane is the one to do it with.
“She got some difficult news right before I left, and it was torture leaving her to deal with it on her own. The last thing she needs is to be alone.”
“Sounds like you’re in deep shit.”
I run a hand over my face, knowing that doesn’t quite do my feelings justice.
“Andie’s husband had a dog. When I booked this rental, I made sure dogs are allowed because I know she’d never leave him. He’s easily the smartest dog I’ve ever seen, and by somemiracle, he started to warm up to me. In some dream world, I see her and Ax here with me. That dog, too.”
“Damn.”
I rest my forehead on the cold, hard countertop, knowing I need to get a grip on reality before I lose my mind further.
I hit the speaker button but keep my head down. “You know how Maggie sees through everything…your past, football, money, fame, and sees you inside of it all? That’s Andie. She sees me, just me. I’ve never once had that, but her life is in Nashville, and we’re only halfway through the season. Can I really just show up a couple months from now for a few weeks and try to make up for lost time, then turn around and leave again?”
“You didn’t have a choice in this. I’m sure she understands that.”
“Neither did her husband. She’s not interested in going there again.”
I remember Andie telling me exactly how hard it was to live separate lives and then reconnect for the short time he was on leave.
“I don’t know what military life is like, but this isn’t the same.”
“Yeah, well, I keep trying to tell myself that, but I wouldn’t blame her if she doesn’t see it that way.” I take a breath to reel in my growing fear and frustration. “The selfish man in me wants to beg her to come so I can be sure I don’t lose her. I don’t want her to go on with her life and find someone better to spend her time with because I’m never there.”
I bump my head against the hard surface of the counter, hoping to knock some kind of realistic sense into it. “Her life is there. She has a son, a career, and friends. I can’t compete with that, and I shouldn’t.”
