AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“A few years back, I hired someone to see what they could find out about my parents. The investigator was able to trackdown my birth mother. I contacted her and asked her if it was possible to meet. I flew to where she lives, and we met at a coffee shop. I had a lot of questions and was finally able to look into the eyes of the person who birthed me. I wanted to know if I looked like her or if she ever thought about me. I wanted to know why I ended up in the foster system, and I hoped maybe whatever put me there could be the past, and we could get to know each other.”
I inhale and let out a long breath, needing to keep the rest short and to the point. “It’s not what happened. We only met that one time. She’d been assaulted and couldn’t keep me. She surrendered me at the hospital after I was born, thinking I’d be adopted. She was devastated when I told her that never happened. She was sorry. She told me a little bit about herself and her life. She has a husband and children and felt it was best if we didn’t form a relationship. I’ve respected that and haven’t contacted her since.”
Done telling my little story, I’m met with silence, so I risk a glance at Andie, feeling the force of her stare. She’s frowning, her eyes set on my face. There’s not an ounce of pity or apology. They’re fierce and…protective. Something about them stirs a longing inside me that I’m not sure I’ve ever felt before, and the ache runs deep into my bones.
“You know that there’s not a single part of any of that’s reflected in you, right?” I stare at her, thinking about it, and when I don’t answer immediately, she pushes harder. “Sean, you know that, right?”
Do I know that?I don’t think I’ve ever asked myself the question, but maybe that’s part of why it was so important to me to gain everyone's approval–for people to stroke my ego and tell me how great I am. I wanted to fit in and feel valued. I wanted to know that there was some amount of good in me, but it was all bullshit. I surrounded myself with people that didn’t knowme and didn’t care to. All they wanted was Sean Greyson, the football star, and to ride on my hard work and drive. I let myself believethingsmade me worth something. They gave me value and made me wanted, despite my ugly beginning.
I answer honestly. “I think maybe I’m starting to see that. It’s hard to know that’s where I started. That my existence was the result of something so evil. Then going from home to home, never wanted long enough to have anything or anyone that lasted.” I let out a slow, steady breath, needing it to release the tightness in my chest. “Sometimes all of it is hard to stomach, to wonder why it had to be that way. But my brothers and I, we made it. I do know that. We didn’t get to where we are for nothing.”
“That’s for damn sure.” She says it so adamantly it makes the corner of my mouth turn up slightly.
“Careful, I might think you care a little bit,” I tease, wanting to move on and not dive into this any further. I’ve learned wallowing in questions I’ll never have the answer to gets me nowhere but stuck in a big pit of pain and misery.
She rolls her eyes. “Ha. Not a chance.” She turns, staring out the window, contemplating something. “I think about Ax and wonder what questions he’ll have about Josh. All the things he’ll wonder but never know.”
“At least he has you to tell him all the things you do know.” She doesn’t look at me, but I know she hears me. “Can I ask you something now?”
She turns to look at me. “I guess it’s only fair, but I also reserve the right not to answer.”
“Fair enough.” This question has been one I’ve wanted to ask for a while but never felt it was appropriate. Knowing she’s a Taninbaugh and her parents' expectations and now understanding she was close to signing with a record label, mycuriosity has gotten the best of me. “How and when did you and Josh meet?”
She laughs, but I have no idea what’s funny about the question. “There are a million things I thought you’d ask, but I wasn’t expecting that.”
“Well, you can answer those, too, if you want.”
“Haha. In your dreams.” She smooths her hands down the front of her dress, resting her hands in her lap. “I actually met him the night I turned twenty-one. Some friend convinced me to do the whole bar thing, which isn’t my scene. I was bored out of my mind, and he asked to buy me a drink, but I refused. He was on leave and out with his buddies. He didn’t know who I was, who my family was, that I had anything to do with music, and he just talked to me.”
She runs her finger over the seam on my truck seat completely in her head like she’s reliving the memory. “We talked all night until he had to help his drunk friends out of the bar. After that, he went back to base, and we kept in contact. The next time I saw him, he asked me to marry him, and I said yes. I knew my parents would flip, and they did, but for the first time in my life, I felt like I was free. I left any thoughts of music behind and moved to base with him until the longing to get back to it took over, and he convinced me to come back and work on selling my songs.”
I understand the feeling of finally being free and the call to do what you love. “The distance must have been hard.”
“It was. Every time he came back, it was like we had to start all over again. Not that we didn’t know each other. It was just hard to do life together when we were so used to doing it apart. He was military for life. He loved it. His guys were his family, and it would’ve been tough with Ax.”
She peeks at me before looking away like she’s determining if she wants to say more. “I wouldn’t change a single thing, but thetwenty-one-year-old me didn’t think about what that life looked like. I just jumped in, not fully understanding or thinking about the future. We didn’t have the kind of relationship or connection other couples have. We were two people living separate lives. I was still…alone.” She shakes her head, a faint smile tugging at her lips like she’s pulling herself back from a pool of vulnerability. “I don’t know if that makes sense.”
I nod slowly, suspecting she just trusted me with her admission. “It does. I’m not sure anyone thinks about all the future could hold unless it’s a dream, and even then, it doesn’t always turn out the way we imagined. We ignore the negative and focus on the here and now. It’s easier. Plus, if we didn’t, we might never move from where we’re at.”
“Yeah, I think you’re right about that.”
I cough. “Wait, did you just say I’m right? I need to write this down somewhere. It’s definitely a moment to document in our no-benefits non-friendship.”
She swats my arm with the back of her hand. “You should because it’s never going to happen again.” Laughing, I start my truck and put it in gear. “Thanks for the tacos. Although, you better watch out. It’s now two weeks in a row your cheat meal consisted of the ingredients that should make the world go round. Pretty soon, you might have an addiction problem on your hands, and if the press got a hold of something like that, the Tigers are sure to trade your slow, old ass.”
I can’t help but laugh again, but her comment brings me back to what Doug said tonight and stirs the taco in my gut. He thinks, or maybe demands, that Andie and I steer clear of each other after the event is over next weekend. But if I have it my way, I hope to see her more. He said I have way more to lose than she does, which is one hundred percent false. We’ve both lost, but what I’ve gained is already a thousand times worth it.
Andie said earlier that singing her own music and producing her own records would be another good thing that comes out of this. I want to ask her if she thinks there’s any chance she and I could be something else amazing that might come from this, too.
Chapter 29
ANDIE
ME: Let’s do it.
JONESY: It’s about time. Yeah, man. I’m ready.
ME: Whatever we need to do, I’m in.
