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“No, probably not. I’m not sure if anyone tells her. I just do my best to keep money out of her hands. I don’t want her using it to score drugs. And she probably will. My mom will probably always be sick, Audrey. The drugs have too strong of a hold on her. She may never be free. Or maybe she doesn’t want to be. I’m not sure.”
I reach over and squeeze his thigh, and he covers his hand with mine.
“I never knew who my dad was,” he says. “He was never around. Hell, I’m not even sure my mom knew his fucking name. He may have just been some dealer she fucked in order to score some weed. Because that’s what she was into before I was born. The harder shit came later, after she had me and life got harder.”
“I had no idea.”
“Aiden does. I got drunk one night and told him.” He scrubs his hands down his face, seeming to be struggling with what he’s going to say next. “The point I’m trying to make here, Audrey, is that I’m used for what I’m good for. And that’s what’s happening with Serena. I recognize that it might be different with you. Believe me, I do. But where can it even go? Aiden will never be okay with this.”
I’ve thought about that. I had hoped that maybe one day he could just understand that we’re consenting adults who care for each other, but I’m not so sure now, hearing Derek talk.
“We’re doomed before we start?” I ask.
“No,” he says, shaking his head. “Not us. Not you. But me. I was doomed before I even started. Good things always seem to fall apart on me. And I don’t want this band to fall apart. I don’t want it to be the one good thing I lost. Which is why I agreed to the whole Serena thing to begin with. Who cares if they fuck with the broken boy? No one cares about him anyway.”
“Derek…” I’m not sure what to say to him. How do you console someone who has thought their whole life that they’re not good enough? “You have us—Aiden, my parents, and me. Always me.” I turn toward him and grab his hand. “Regardless of how this goes down with you and me, you will always have me. I’m not going anywhere.”
He shakes his head slightly. I get ready to object, but he removes his hand from mine and holds it up. “I was just going to say that you and Aiden are my family. And how do I repay that man? I sleep with his sister.”
I snicker. “Pretty badass of you.”
“More like stupid,” he says. “And the worst part of all of this is that I’m dragging you down with me. I’ve got you sitting out here at three in the morning feeling bad because of the way I acted.”
“Want some tea?” I ask him lamely.
He looks over at me and smirks. “Yeah, sure.”
I get up and put the kettle on and prepare the bag with the mug. There are no words spoken while I fix him his tea. It’s not until I put it down beside him that he speaks.
“Thank you. I heard you say that you have to go to LA in a few weeks. What’s that for?”
“I did say that.” I admit, but he looks like he wants more. “I have to film some workouts for the platform.”
“Are the NWSL games done for now?” he asks me. “Aiden told me all about it. He was proud of you. Fuck, I’m proud of you too. You’re training a women’s soccer team. That’s a big deal.”
“Thank you.”
“I don’t get any more than that?”
“What do you want me to say?”
“Fuck, I don’t know. Tell me about it. Tell me when LA is. Tell me what you’re doing there, and how long you’ll be there. Give me something.”
“You really wanna hear about my work?”
He looks at me like I’m crazy. “Goddamn, woman, you’re either making me work for it tonight or you think I’m not being sincere when I ask you about it.”
“I should know better than to think you weren’t actually interested. It’s just that not everyone sees what I do as real work. I think my parents are starting to because I’m training the team or because I appear on the platform. But most people think I’m just a personal trainer, something that could easily be done as a second job. There’s not a lot of respect for it. Not like what you do.”
“Oh yeah, baby, please respect the hell out of my job.” The sarcasm is thick in his voice, and I laugh.
I remember when they were teased about wanting to be rock stars. How my parents suggested going to college or having fallback plans. They had for me too. But Aiden wasn’t one that could be bullied. I, however, studied Exercise Science just to appease them. But Aiden and Derek took their own paths, and it paid off.
“You’ve made yourself into something. Look at the way the throngs of fans come out to see you. You were a late add and had very little publicity but look at how well tonight went. Crave has a following, Derek. You’re amazing up there.”
“You really think so? I never did get to ask what you thought.”
“Are you fishing for compliments?” I tease.
