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As much as I relished the quiet, I didn’t want to be alone. But I also knew it’d be better to not be around anyone right now either.
I left the lights off as I walked down the short hallway to my bedroom. My body shook from the chill that had set in on the walk home. A warm shower would’ve alleviated that for a moment, but I felt like I deserved the cold punishment. I changed into my favorite shorts and t-shirt. Both Ridder U gear, both of which were actually Evan’s. He’d loaned them to me last year after an unfortunate pool incident, and I’d never given them back. He’d never asked for them either, and he’d seen me wear them countless times.
Why did I have to ruin everything?
I went back into the living room and collapsed onto the chair I’d turned to face the window. It wasn’t anything special. Just a brown armchair with a matching ottoman. Somehow, it’d become my spot. I’d turned it toward the window to watch the birds or the snow. Evan used to sit on the ottoman, and I’d point out the different birds that flew by. He’d ask me about them. I loved his curiosity. People never assumed he was a smart guy because he didn’t jump on things right away. He always thought things through at his own pace, processed them thoroughly, and then made his decisions or conclusions. That’s probably the reason why he got the job as a case manager in healthcare. He would take his time to problem solve different solutions for their clients’ problems and get it right on the first try.
I tried to think of something else, anything else. Anything just to get him out of my head, but it was damn near impossible. There were pieces of Evan everywhere I looked from the living to my bedroom. From movie nights in the living room, to the times he’d slept with me in my bed. The only way to get over this was to get away from the memories of him.
My phone rang, and I didn’t even look at the caller ID before I answered. Anyone was better than being in my own mind, even a telemarketer. Not that they’d call this late.
“Hello?” I answered, not even trying to keep the weariness out of my voice.
“You’re not out celebrating.” My older brother, Kent, said, his deep voice reverberating through the line. “What’s wrong?”
“What makes you think anything’s wrong?” I tried to sound chipper, but the tears started, and I wasn’t going to fake it with my brother. He’d see through it anyway.
“Jocelyn,” he warned. “I know you. They won tonight, and you should be with Evan and the rest of the team. There should be a huge party in the background. There’s not. And you’re crying. Don’t deny it. So, what’s wrong?”
I snorted back a laugh. Kent knew me better than anyone, except maybe Evan. He was relentless when he wanted information. That’s what made him a good cop. He’d be a detective before long. “I made a huge mistake.”
“Tell me, and I’ll let you know if it was actually a mistake,” he said firmly.
“I told Evan.” Kent was well aware of how I felt. After Ryan dumped me before Christmas, I spent the holiday at home in Duluth with my family. Kent got the truth out of me then. Like I said, future detective.
“He’s an idiot.”
“Don’t say that. He’s not an idiot.” I swallowed the bile building in my chest. Regret rode the wave, and I fought it off. Loving someone should never be a regret.
“He’s not, but he is when it comes to you.” Kent sighed and his radio mumbled in the background. “I like Evan. He’s a good guy, but he has tunnel vision. He sees the world only one way. Any change in that, and he doesn’t handle it well. This is a huge change for him to adjust to.”
“I shouldn’t have told him. Not tonight. Not after the game. It’s going to screw his head up for the finals.” I slapped my forehead with my palm. It did nothing to get the thoughts from my head. “Amber told me to do it now and then this girl kissed him right outside the arena. I… I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t watch him with another meaningless… not when I’m right here.”
“You knew you had to tell him.” Kent didn’t back down from anything. I wished I had his strength, his conviction. He faced everything head on while I peeked around the corner. I wished I was more like him. “Sometimes we have to do what’s right for us, even if it means hurting someone we love. This was right for you, sis. Once you deal with the pain, you’ll be okay.”
“Yeah, I know you’re right. Honestly, I prepared myself for this. But when I kissed him, he kissed me back. I thought for a moment it meant something. He probably just reacted.” I touched my lips, relishing the taste of him. The feel of his soft mouth covering mine, and the passion I felt when he kissed me, taking hold of my body. If only his conviction was as strong as mine.
“I’m sorry, sis. If I could help, I would.” Frantic bursts blared from his radio and a siren sounded off in the background. “Gotta go. Someone robbed QuikStop.”
I set my phone down when a text message came in.
Amber: Want me to come over? I’ll bring the Ben & Jerry’s.
I smiled at her concern and told her no. She needed to celebrate with Michael, not live in the world of pity with me. This was something I needed to get through on my own.
That’s what I was now. On my own. Alone.
***
Evan
T.J. zipped his pants as he walked out from the shadows of the house. The blonde who’d jumped me after the game followed closely behind, tugging her skirt down. T.J. didn’t even look back, but she followed him like a lost kitten begging for more milk.
Was this how Josie saw me? Just fucking every woman who pressed her tits against my chest. Because that wasn’t me.
Was it?
I sat back down by the fire pit and stared into the flames. For two years, I dated Lorraine. How did that make me a manwhore? Once we split up before junior year, I’d dated around. Alice and I dated for a month. I had my share of one-nighters, but it wasn’t after every game, and it wasn’t every night. Maybe once a month, if that often. Most of the time, I was with Josie.
