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‘I am lucky to live in a beautiful part of the country, in a little town on the North Cornish coast. I have a large family whom I adore, but it’s time to have time for me now they are all growing up. I have a small business making wedding cakes, and I also raise money for our local lifeboat station, working in the shop twice a week. I love walks along the coast, birdwatching, cooking, crime novels (Ian Rankin, Ann Cleeves and Susan Hill are my favourite authors) and do yoga twice a week to keep fit. I’d love to travel a bit more and see what else life has to offer.’
‘Birdwatching?’ said Jess, wrinkling her brow in doubt.
‘Well, your dad was into it. And I’ve still got his binoculars and books, so I can brush up on it in case anyone asks. I felt like I needed a hobby.’
‘I’m not sure birdwatching’s going to get anyone’s pulse racing.’
‘Yes, but I don’t want to send out the wrong signals.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, you know. I don’t want them to think I’m …’ Helen shrugged, not quite sure how to articulate herself.
‘You need to pimp it up a bit. This makes you sound like you wear flat shoes and elasticated waistbands.’
‘Does it?’ Helen felt confused and wished she’d never mentioned anything.
Nikki decided to intervene. Jess was a harsh judge, and forgot that she was an old hand at online dating so knew how to play the game. The important thing was not to frighten her mum off.
‘I think it’s a very nice profile, Mum, but I agree you need to make it a bit more exciting. People exaggerate all the time so you’re up against stiff competition. You don’t want to miss Mr Right.’
‘Mr Right,’ sighed Helen. ‘I can’t imagine Mr Right. I’m not sure I can do this.’
‘Just have a bit of fun!’ Jess was frowning at the screen. ‘You don’t have to marry any of them. But you need to attract someone who appreciates you for who you really are. Someone who’ll spoil you. So up your game.’
‘OK.’
‘What have you got to lose?’
‘My dignity?’
Jess rolled her eyes. ‘Let me have a go at your profile. Then we’ll get to work on your confidence. You can’t go into this faint-hearted. You’ve got to be very focussed and clear. And be prepared to kiss a lot of frogs.’
Helen winced.
Jess laughed and started typing.
Nikki and Juno exchanged glances. Knowing Jess, she’d make Helen sound like a member of the Folies Bergères who was a helicopter pilot on the side.
‘What about photos?’ asked Juno. ‘You need a hot photo.’
‘Actually,’ said Helen, ‘I was going to ask if you’d do me one.’
Juno’s face lit up. ‘Really?’
‘You take lovely pictures. Your Instagram is beautiful.’
‘Let’s do it,’ said Juno. ‘We’ll get a sunny day and take some with the sea in the background.’
‘Get that coastal grandmother vibe,’ interjected Jess.
‘Coastal grandmother?’
‘You know, that expensive beachy look, like Diane Keaton in Something’s Gotta Give.’
‘Oh. Right. OK.’
‘I mean, you literally are a coastal grandmother, so you own that.’
