AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Chapter Eighteen
Thea
Ahug. That’s all it took to send me spiraling. He deserves to be hugged. I watched Callie jump up and hug him so easily and I’ve never been more jealous of anyone in my life. It’s not her fault. I know she is in love with my brother, but it made me painfully aware of what I can’t offer Jesse.
How selfish do I have to be to string him along? Encouraging him to flirt with me, wanting to be around him all the time, knowing there is a wall between us that I have never been able to get around. I can’t do that to him. I have to end it. Tonight.
Nathan and Jesse jump into old war stories right away, giving me too much room to condemn myself in my mind. I have to force myself to enjoy this moment because it might not ever happen again. I do my best to engage and pay attention to the conversation even though I’m sweating on the inside.
“I need to go to the bathroom.” Callie stands suddenly, Nathan following right behind her. “Sorry, I’m afraid of the dark, I don’t like walking back up to the cabin alone,” she explains to me and Jesse, but there is no need. After everything she went through last year, she deserves an escort everywhere she goes if that’s what she wishes.
“You good?” Nathan asks subtly, making sure I don’t mind being left alone with Jesse. He doesn’t know about my issues with men or my familiarity with his friend, it’s just his normal brotherly protectiveness showing.
“I’m good,” I assure him before watching them walk toward the house.
“You look pretty tonight,” Jesse tells me once we’re alone. I know it’s his comment that makes my cheeks hot, but I try to blame it on the fire.
“I look like a slob, but thank you.”
I debated all day on what to wear, but this is my usual attire when I visit my brother. I didn’t want him, or rather Callie, noticing that I put extra effort in.
“You look perfect.”
Yep. It’s the fire, it’s burning too hot.
“Jesse. I can’t do this,” I choke out the words before I can chicken out, needing to bite the bullet.
“You can’t forgive me,” he states, dully. His words aren’t accusatory, or angry, they’re defeated. His whole posture deflated at my admission and my heart aches because it’s not his fault. It’s my problem stopping this before it can even begin.
“I do forgive you. I understand why you lied about your job and your name. I didn’t like being lied to, but I get it. I know how serious the military can be. Nathan was tight-lipped about almost everything he’s done.” I shrug.
I can’t blame him for maintaining his oath. Especially since he broke it by telling me the truth about anything at all. He had every reason to keep lying to me, but he didn’t.
“It took me some time to come to terms with you being Jesse not Jay, but I worked it out. That’s not the problem.” I feel myself teetering on the edge of falling apart.
“Then, what’s the problem?” His eyes are lined with concern.
“It’s complicated. I’m complicated. I wouldn’t feel right letting things continue, knowing how my problems would affect us. It’s not fair to you.” I swallow back my impulsive need to cry, but it hurts. Admitting that I’m the problem hurts.
“Your problems?”
“I’m not worth it, I promise.” I rest my chin on my knees, not even realizing that I curled up into my chair at some point.
“Why don’t you let me make that choice?” His question is more of a statement, a demand. The way he’s looking at me, I wouldn’t be surprised if I caught on fire right where I’m sitting.
How can he be so sure?
We sit in silence, staring at each other while the fire crackles between us. I feel hopeless, unable to stop the train wreck that will inevitably happen. He’s looking at me with such certainty, such determination. I almost believe that things might work out, but I know better.
Callie’s voice startles me as they return. “Here, Thea.” She hands me a seltzer, both of us have already bonded over our love of fruity drinks.
Nathan hands Jesse a beer, never asking if he wants one, both of them accustomed to their silent routine. Jesse looks at me and my drink questioningly, as if to ask ‘I thought you didn’t drink?’
I raise my eyebrows subtly at him as if to say, ‘I told you, I’m complicated.’
“We’re celebrating,” Nathan announces.
“Celebrating what?” I’m selfishly hoping that they’re about to announce I might get a niece or nephew soon, but Callie is obviously drinking tonight.
