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“Get out of my head.”
“You catch more ryders with honey than with whatever this broody shit is.”
“And to think I came to you for help with fixing things,” I muttered under my breath.
“That was your first mistake.” Kol broke out laughing.
I let him laugh it out, secretly wishing I had it in me to be like him.
He collected himself finally. “Look, I don’t think, deep down, she really hates you. She could blame me for what happened to her family, but she doesn’t.”
I stared at him. “Did she tell you that? What did she say?”
“I can’t tell you.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“I’m not betraying her trust.”
“You’re my brother.”
“Which doesn’t mean I’ll be a bad friend, especially when it looks like I’m the only one she thinks she’s got. You should know me better than that.”
I was speechless. Kol stood and picked up his jacket.
“I’m going to go bathe and then look into sourcing some contraband for this stubborn idiot I know. I’ll see you in the weapons hall for a trainee session tomorrow. Hazel wants us back. A
Apparently, we went down well with her trainees.” He flipped his jacket over his shoulder and sauntered away.
Bastard.
I watched him until he turned the corner and then dropped my forehead to the table, banging it five times. When I lifted my head, I noticed a couple of ryder trainees eyeing me curiously. When they met my eyes, they lowered their heads and quickly turned in the opposite direction.
I dragged myself out of my seat and gathered the books into my arms. I had already checked them out, so I carried them out of the library and headed for Zaria’s room. She would not be there now, which was for the best, but I would leave them outside for her to find later.
TWENTY-FIVE
ZARIA
After another futile week of sessions with Rakan, I had a headache setting in from the mental strain of trying to find a place in my body and mind that magic somehow existed, unbeknown to me. It was like I was blind to a part of myself everyone else seemed to think I had. A phantom limb or third eye. It was starting to feel like I was trapped in my own personal Valley of the Dead. I was surrounded by strangers who were all trying to convince me this thing was real, and it wasn’t.
What made it worse was this was what I’d always wanted—a life of my own outside my tiny world, freedom to learn things, like how to defend myself, and to dress how I liked. I’d dreamed of all these things while stuck in our little village, so why did I hate it so much?
Because it was all out of my control. They were things happening to me rather than things happening for me like I’d wished. And maybe this was all punishment for always chasing for more than I had. Maybe I should have just been satisfied.
“Your thoughts are loud.”
“You could not listen,” I snapped.
He took a seat in one of the armchairs in a cozy nook inside the main library. I’d asked him to show me it after I found all the books he’d left by my door yesterday, so I could come whenever I wanted to. I was in awe of the space but wasn’t fully appreciating it because, as usual, I was verbally sparring with my so-called partner.
“You could block me.”
“Or you could mind your own business and let me enjoy this magnificent library.”
“It’s a little hard to do that when you’re screaming at me, mind to mind.” Amusement filtered through his expression.
I closed my eyes and reformed the dam like he’d shown me. It was easier to do when it was my sole focus. I felt like I was being pulled apart at times, constantly being told to block my mind one moment but open myself up the next.
