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“Bella.”
“Hm. I don’t like it,” I said with a smirk. “Sounds like that chick from the vampire book everyone wants me to read.”
“Sam’s makin’ you read Twilight?”
“No, she refuses to assign it for book club, but Aislinn and Cal keep pushin’ for it, which makes no sense. Cal DuBois readin’ about sparkly vampires? As if.”
Devo giggled. Just the sound of it resurrected something inside me.
“I’m sorry she did that to you,” I said, sobering the moment again. I tucked her hair back behind her ear for the thousandth time, and she grabbed my wrist and held it to her cheek.
“Abey, I want this. I like you. A lot. But I’m scared you don’t know what you want. How can I trust this?” She motioned between us. “I don’t wanna get hurt again. How can I trust you not to break my heart?”
I dropped my hand back into my lap and nodded, taking the deepest breath I could. How could she know me and trust me if I didn’t show her all the parts of me, even the bad ones? Even the ones that hurt so much to say.
It was time.
“When I was little, my daddy was my whole world. My hero. The biggest, strongest, most wonderful person in my universe. He loved me to the ends of the earth, told everyone I was the apple of his eye, that I was his angel.
“No matter what I did, in his eyes, it couldn’t be wrong. My brothers got in trouble all the time, but not me. I was daddy’s little girl. I can’t even tell you how many times he said he’d love me forever. And I’d say, ‘You promise?’ and we’d pinky swear to love each other till the end of time.
“Then I grew up. I realized I was not the same as everyone around me. I couldn’t have cared less about the cute boys my friends were always goin’ on about. They were gross and sweaty, and when my friends would talk about kissin’ or makin’ out with guys, it just felt wrong. Finally, I figured it out because, when I thought about those things with other girls, I had an entirely different reaction.” Cocking my head, I raised my eyebrows, and Devo nodded. She understood.
“One day, my friend Paula came to my house. It was my fifteenth birthday, and we were out in the barn. We had this game where we named the sheep when my daddy would round ’em up for vaccines or vet checks, and then, whoever remembered the most names next time she came over, they won.
“There were hundreds of sheep.” I laughed. “No one could remember that many, and every time we played the game, the names changed, but Paula won that day. She remembered twenty sheep’s names. We didn’t actually keep track, but we were just bein’ silly, jumpin’ up and down, squealin’ and laughin’, and I kissed her. I didn’t mean to. It just happened. I loved her, had loved her since we were six. But we were growin’ up. Things were changin’.”
I took a deep breath. Here was the hard part. The painful part.
“My daddy walked in right then. He saw me kissin’ her. She kissed me back, too, which surprised the fuck outta me, but he was irate. It was the only time my daddy ever laid hands on me. He slapped me across the face, and he took his love away after that. He never tried to talk to me about it, and everything changed. He forbade Paula from ever comin’ over again.
“He’d promised to love me forever, but the day he found out I would never be the daughter he wanted—a normal daughter—he broke that promise, and he broke it again every day after till the day he died. He said he didn’t even want me at the hospital. My mama and my brothers were all there at the end of my daddy’s life, but he was so ashamed of me, he didn’t even want to say goodbye.”
Devo placed the pad of her thumb right over the pulse of my blood beneath my skin on my wrist. “I’m so fucking sorry he did that to you.”
It still cut like a knife, still felt like it might rip my heart to shreds. But I still missed him.
“It hurts to know the person I adored most in the world couldn’t even look at me. But now, all I can think about is, what if I promise somethin’ to you, and then I break my promise because… I dunno. Because of work or life or whatever. If I hurt you the same way he hurt me, I couldn’t take that, Devo. What if you hurt me like that?”
“Abey, I would never. I’m so sorry.” She reached for my hands and held them between us. “You didn’t deserve that.”
Still trying to cling to denial, I mumbled, “It’s not like what happened to Sylvie. He only slapped me across the face the one time. He didn’t beat me or even kick me out.”
“Maybe not,” Devo said, “but once is enough, and withholding love is just as bad, just as painful, in a different way.”
“Yeah. Guess you’re right.”
I’d never thought it was that bad. Parents swatted their kids all the time, or they used to. But Devo was right that it was different.
Before that day in our barn, I’d never seen the kind of anger and disgust like I saw on my daddy’s face.
I hadn’t even known that kind of hate existed.
I’d heard about it, of course, but I’d never really known it. And it had never even crossed my mind that he could be capable of it.
“He made me ashamed of what I was. He made me want to hide my sexuality, ’cause if my own father couldn’t love me for who I truly was, who else would?”
Tilting her head, Devo gripped my wrist harder. “But Abey, don’t you see? There are so many people who love you for who you truly are. This whole town loves you.”
