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Lucia looked around quickly, but she didn’t feel any presence in her territory, so she stooped and pulled the top cardboard flap open to expose a stuffed animal.
It smelled new and still had a tag on it, though the price had been ripped off. It was black and fluffy, and when she pulled it out, her heart took a dip.
It was a small stuffed raven, no bigger than her hand. She pulled it to her chest and looked around again, trying to control her emotion. He’d gotten her a little raven—a nod to her loss.
She hugged it tighter. Feeling exposed, she pulled the box inside and shut the door firmly behind her. Lucia sank down against the door and opened the box again to find a folded piece of notebook paper, and a stack of old printed pictures.
She opened the note, resting the little raven in her lap, and read it.
Luc,
I know you hate me calling you Luc, but that’s what I have called you in my head since we were kids and old habits are hard to break. So to me, you are Luc, whether you talk to me ever again or not. Deal with it.
I wanted to leave last night. I mean I wanted to leave Damon’s Mountains and just head straight to Montana and never look back, but then I thought about what that would be like for me, and I realized I would always be looking back. For you, this isn’t a big deal, and I get it. I do. For me, it’s different.
I’m sorry you saw me burning the trailer park. I don’t know why you had that vision, but I do know myself. I’m a fuck-up, yeah, but I’m not that kind of man. Only way I would burn something you love is if it was hurting you. Nothing is allowed to hurt you. I was pissed when I got home. I found my old box of pictures, swearing up and down I was going to throw them out. I even set them on my porch to go out with tomorrow’s trash, but by the morning I wasn’t mad anymore. I was sad.
I don’t need these memories anymore. You can have them. Throw them away, burn them, whatever you want. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. That’s a lot of history there, and although I will get into a drunken barfight with any motherfucker out there, apparently I’m sentimental. Having a heart is terrible. Why couldn’t you be a witch and just curse the heart right out of me, Luc?
Anyway, I’m having to look at an online dictionary for every one of these dumb words so you don’t make fun of me for my typos, and my hand is getting a cramp, so I’m going to end this stupid letter here. Thanks for reading this far.
I’m sorry for whatever I have burned, and whatever I will burn.
L
p.s. pay attention to where my focus is in these pictures.
p.p.s. I just wanted the excuse to write p.p. because it sounds like peepee.
p.p.p.s. fuck dictionaries. My brain hurts.
The date was scribbled in the bottom corner of the letter, and a small smile confiscated her lips. Just in case she wanted to make a scrapbook of his notes, she guessed.
Stupid boy.
She pulled the stack of printed pictures out of the box, and her mouth fell open in shock at the top picture. It was a picture of her in high school, talking with her brother, Weston, by the flagpole out front. There was a trio of older boys off to the side, and on the outskirts was a younger Landon, his arms crossed over his chest as he stared at…her.
What the hell?
She set that picture down and looked at the next one. It was a group photo of some of the kids of Damon’s Mountains when she was thirteen or so. She sat on a rock ledge between her sisters, and behind her, Landon and his brothers stood. Landon was even blonder when he was younger. He was kneeling behind her sister, but looking straight at Lucia.
“Oh my gosh,” she whispered, turning to the next picture.
This one was of a Crew trip with the Gray Backs to a national park, where they all went camping for a week. They had all gotten different campsites all over the campgrounds, and had booked them last-minute so they weren’t very close, and the kids had to keep walking to each site just to hang out. In this picture, she was cheesing big while she cooked a hot dog over the fire, and Landon was hanging with Jaxon and Jathan at the picnic table, but he was twisted around looking at her. She remembered this trip. The fog of what she’d been going through lifted a little. She remembered she palled around with Jathan and Jaxon there. And Landon. He’d been really quiet, almost shy, and they hadn’t talked. Just played.
She sat up straighter against the door.
In the next picture, they were at the falls, and she was diving off. She was midair, and on the bank of the river a bunch of teens were cheering her on…including Landon, who had his fist pumped in the air and the biggest grin on his face.
The next was of Landon in the foreground, a paper plate of pizza rolls in his hand, his elbows resting on his knees as he looked over at something. On the edge of the picture, she could see an arm and a shoulder. It was the hand that gave her away. She was wearing a ring her parents had gotten her for her fourteenth birthday. It was a black diamond band she used to wear as a thumb ring. She looked back at Landon’s face, and he had this soft smile as he looked up at her.
Holy shit. She hadn’t known. She hadn’t been paying attention.
She riffled through another fifteen pictures and was bombarded with so many good memories of her childhood. In so much of her story, Landon had been there quietly watching her grow up, and in these pictures, she could see him growing up too. The last few were when they were older.
I’m sorry for whatever I have burned, and whatever I will burn.
Her vision didn’t make any sense. She couldn’t imagine anyone who had looked at her with the expression he’d worn for all those years burning anything she cared for.
