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Never. Focus on me. Let me out. Let me show them who’s boss.
I swallowed the sour bile pouring into my mouth. “Okay. Talk to me.”
Levi cleared his throat. “Picture an anvil made of lead. It’s weighing down onto that voice. Crushing that voice. Bleeding it out while you stand over it. Force it back down all the way into your toes. Do that for me. Picture the anvil, and picture it settling onto the dark force in your stomach. Allow it to slowly squish the sound out. Anvil. Lead. Darkness. Squish. All the way to your toes, Raven. You can do this, I know you can. But, you have to fucking trust yourself long enough to get it done.”
I wasn’t sure how long he talked at me or how many times he had repeated itself, but as I latched onto the image of that fucking anvil crushing that stupid voice in my head, the pain slowly flowed back into the ocean of my subconscious. My legs unfurled and my eyes fell open. The sweat dripping along my skin quickly dried up. I panted for air, as if my lungs hadn’t felt the sweet release of air in days.
And as Levi helped me sit up, he studied my face.
“Dean, get her some water before she passes out on us. Brody?”
My cousin sat next to me. “Already on it. Here, eat this.”
I looked over at the beef jerky bag he pulled out of his pocket. “Do you always have that there or something?”
He chuckled. “I’m a snacker, what can I say? Here, have a piece.”
The men gathered around me while I chewed on the tough piece of meat and sipped the water Dean had brought to me. It gave me some time to clear my head of the painful fog as best as I could, but I felt weaker than normal. My wolf side had never fought me like that before. It had never attempted to take control of my human body. And the more I thought about it, the more anxious I became.
“How are you feeling?” Levi asked as he sat at my feet.
His voice was oddly calm, and it drew my gaze to his face as I downed the rest of the water. “Those mood swings of yours. Are those normal?”
Dean plucked the glass from my fingertips. “About as normal as my worsening migraines. Do you want to try and shift?”
I didn’t like how nonchalant Dean was about their pain. “Seriously? After you guys just had me force her down?”
Brody shrugged. “I was honestly thinking the same thing.”
I tossed him a look. “Really? You’re on their side now?”
Hudson crossed his arms over his chest. “I mean, if your wolf is trying that hard to get out, why not? It’ll save you the heartache, give you some peace, and make for one hell of a dinner theater show.”
“Hudson,” Brody said flatly.
I grinned even though I shook my head. “I can’t lose control. I can’t give myself over to a side of me that I have no control over.”
Dean grinned. “You won’t lose control. That wolf is part of you. And if you accept the shift, she will accept when you shift back as well.”
I scoffed. “I don’t know. Feels like that wolf is trying to consume me, not be part of me.”
Levi shrugged. “It’s probably just tired of you acting like it doesn’t exist.”
I leaned back against the couch. “You make it sound like I’m hiding a hobby from my parents.”
“Treat it like a dirty secret, and it’ll act like a dirty secret,” Hudson said as he stood behind Levi. “You keep denying its existence, it’ll keep reminding you it's there. It’s half of you, Raven, whether you want it to be or not. And until you can acknowledge it, it will always let you know it’s there.”
I sighed as I closed my eyes. “I just don’t know if it’s smart, that’s all.”
Dean took my hand in his, and the touch was so tender that I almost cried. “Look, what’s making your wolf agitated is the fact that you’re denying it’s rightful place in your life. If you let it happen? Things will get better.”
I glared up at him. “I’m not ready to do it. I won’t do it without being ready.”
Hudson chuckled. “No one’s ever ready to shift. Being ready isn’t the point. Being willing, however, is.”
“Well, I’m not,” I spat.
Dean threaded our fingers together. “Raven, look at me.”
