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She smiles and continues to unload the dishwasher, so I continue, “I went to bother Adam, but the twins were sleeping, and he threatened my life if they woke up.”
“I understand that.” She gives me a pointed look over her shoulder.
“Tom’s door was locked.”
“Since when don’t you have a key?”
I smirk. “Since they’re looking to add to this family.” Her eyes soften, and I add, “This isn’t news to you, is it?”
“No, it isn’t. Farrah was here last week to talk about it.”
“Why do they all talk to you about their sex life?”
“Because I’m more than Mom. I’m a friend too, with life experience.”
She’s so right. Life experience. I’ve heard stories about Mom being wild. Heck, she‘s still wild. Dad was the calm one, that’s where Adam and Tom get it from. Stoic and protective. I’m the wild card like Mom. Chess is somewhere in the middle.
“So, do you have a question about life experience?” She wipes her hands on the dish towel and turns to faces me.
“Mom. I think I have had enough experience. I need the quiet side now.”
She gives me a knowing look and motions for me to follow her as she heads out to the back patio. “I’m leading this conversation with don’t ever change who you are, Billy. You may have had setbacks, but they only made you into the man I see today. And that man is outstanding.”
It’s warm again today but there is a breeze at least. I love sitting out here where tall hedges line the yard, and the pool is always open.
“You have to say that.”
“No, I don’t.”
Shaking my head, we grab seats and move them into the sun.
“Tell me what’s going on.”
There’s so much going on. My conversation with Jackson is running on repeat in my head. It’s not my story to tell though, so Iwon’t be spilling any of it to Mom. It’s him, it’s Adley, it’s the bar and Al. All those little things that I used to let pile up and use an excuse to drink. I’m still trying to train myself each day not to let that thought process come back. It’s so hard though when it’s an easy way out.
“She won’t marry me.”
“Bil-”
“Not that she doesn’t love me. I know she does. But I scare her. And I understand why. But we’re here, anyway. We’re doing this life together. What difference is having the paper?”
She raises a brow and says, “You tell me.“
I sigh and say nothing so she continues. “Do you think a piece of paper will keep her around if things go south?”
“It will make it harder for her to get away from me.”
We chuckle, and then it grows silent. I hear the birds whispering a song and the trees rustle with a slight breeze. Everything feels heightened by a thousand today.
“Billy, it’s been a long time coming, but I want you to know I’m sorry.”
Turning my head to look at her, I ask, “What are you sorry for?”
“I enabled your behavior. It’s hard for me as a mom to admit I’ve had an integral part in your worst moments of life. And almost losing you has only made me do it more. You’re the baby, even by two minutes, you are. And I’ve treated you like you were fragile. I knew you’d be the last, and I wanted to hold on to that for so long. But I made it worse by giving you too many allowances and passes.”
“I probably would have done it, anyway. And lied about it.”
“I know. That was my thought. If you were open and I was open with you, at least I’d know what you were up to. I apologized to Adam years ago for putting that pressure on him. For making him believe he was responsible for you. But you need to hear it, too. It wasn’t right for me to make someone else check on you. I knew you were hitting bottom but yet I was terrified of what I may find. I couldn’t handle it myself. It’s a character flaw on my part. A big one. And as your mother, I should have done everything in my power to save you myself.”
