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Except TJ refuses to drop it. “Distracted by what exactly? I’ve never seen you like this. That’s the third drink you’ve spilled tonight, boss.”
Not what. Who. I haven’t been able to get Charley off my mind since the moment I met her. And after the sensual yoga fiasco, I was a complete goner for her. Honestly it was one of the most awkward moments of my life. I’m not ashamed of my body. I know I’m fit. The Army made sure of that. But there is something disconcerting about standing around in my birthday suit surrounded by the cast of The Golden Girls. Especially when the riveting Charley makes me forget my surroundings and my pact to keep my hands to myself for five dates.
But even with the awkwardness, I enjoyed spending time with her. Every moment with her is something new. Something unexpected. She keeps me guessing and spending time with her is like a breath of fresh air. And ever since she walked into my bar last week and dressed me down, I can’t get my mind off her. I miss her. So, so much. But that doesn’t change the fact that any relationship between us wouldn’t last. And prolonging the inevitable would just make us both more miserable in the long run. No, I did the right thing. Then why does it feel like a grizzly bear is sitting on my chest making every inhale feel impossible?
“It’s nothing. Just a girl I’ve been seeing.” My voice comes out gruff and I cough to clear it. I don’t remember deciding to answer his questions. The words just slip out of my mouth of their own free will.
TJ’s eyebrows raise at that. He clearly wasn’t expecting me to answer his question either. I’m not entirely sure why I did. “Seeing? As in multiple dates? Boss Man, I’ve never known you to see the same woman for more than two dates tops. Not since...” his voice trails off as he stops short of saying her name. Clearing his throat, TJ says, “This one must be special.”
I’m already shaking my head before TJ even finishes speaking. “No. It’s not like that.” But TJ’s knowing expression doesn’t look convinced, so I try to explain further, “She’s not like the women I usually date. And we’re not dating. Not really. It’s Charley, actually. We were just... spending time together. Platonically.” My words sound stilted as I struggle to describe what I have with Charley. Or, rather, what I had.
TJ looks more and more confused with each statement, and I can’t blame him. I’m confused too. It wasn’t supposed to be real. Sighing deeply and tossing my rag to the counter, I turn to face my employee and friend. Maybe it will help to talk it out with someone else. Maybe TJ can help me figure out why I feel a sharp twinge in my chest at the mere thought of this perplexing woman.
“I messed up. I thought I could spend time with her and just enjoy being around her and not want more. Not need more. But Charley is,” I pause as memories of Charley run through my mind. The yoga. The gym. The bar. “Amazing. Somewhere along the way, I let myself begin to think there could be something there. That we could have something.” My voice is soft as I talk about her. Like if I speak too loudly it might conjure her here in front of me and I don’t think I’d be strong enough to resist her a third time. God, this woman has me so twisted in knots that I don’t even know which way is up anymore. “But I can’t. I know happily-ever-after doesn’t exist. And even if I deserved someone like Charley…losing Maria…I can’t go through that again.” My voice breaks at the end, but TJ doesn’t comment on it.
“Boss man, you’ve gotta forgive yourself. You’re standing in the way of your own second chance at happiness. Is it understandable that you’re terrified after everything you’ve been through? Yes! But I think you know Charley’s worth the risk.”
Anger builds. I slam my fists down on the countertop, startling the handful of patrons still in the room. Holding my hands up in apology, I swallow down my agitation and turn back to TJ. “It’s not about Charley. I know she’s…everything. But I just don’t think I can do this again. She deserves someone whole. Someone who’s free to love her with everything they have and not weighed down by the past. I’m trying to be realistic. I’m putting a kibosh on this entire situation before either of us can get hurt by it.” I think I’m explaining to myself as much as I’m explaining to him. Because for the first time in a long time, I find myself questioning my stance on love. But running into Maria’s parents had been the slap in the face I needed to bring me back down to reality. There is no happy ending for someone like me.
“Well, you look pretty miserable now, so I’m guessing it’s probably too late for a clean getaway.” TJ looks down at his hands and shifts on his feet like he’s debating about his next words. I almost think he’s about to walk off and drop the conversation altogether, but then he looks up and says, “look, I’ve known you for years now and I’ve never seen you like this. You might not be ready to admit it to yourself yet, but you’re past the point of walking away from her with no strings. You can either give it a shot and see where it takes you, or you can be silent and broody and miserable for the rest of your life.”
“I agree, young man.”
My head whips back toward the bar at the new voice. “Doris,” I say, “what are you doing here?” I look behind her for her husband, but it looks like she came alone this time.
Something else is different about her now, too. She’s standing taller and there’s a spark of life in her eyes that’s been missing for far too long. Before I can deliberate too long on what exactly that could mean, she says, “I’m here to apologize. I’m afraid I didn’t handle running into you and your…date very well.”
“Oh, no. You didn’t do anything wrong,” I rush to reassure her.
I don’t even realize I’m wringing my hands together until she’s placing her frail ones over them. “Yes, I did. I made you feel uncomfortable. I didn’t mean to. I was just surprised. I think a part of me still expects to see Maria standing there next to you even after all this time.”
I nod, trying to speak around the lump in my throat. It was still so hard to talk about Maria. Even after all this time. “I know. I never meant to ambush you guys like that.”
“You didn’t ambush us, child.” Her breath hitches and a silent tear drips down her paper-thin cheek as she says, “I’m happy for you. I know how much you loved my Maria, and you deserve to have that again.”
I try to pull my hand away, but Doris’s grip is surprisingly strong. I shake my head and say, “no. It’s not like that. I’m not looking for love or commitment. Charley’s just…a friend.”
“So that’s your plan then? Just spend the rest of your life miserable and alone? That’s not what Maria would have wanted.” Her voice is sharp, commanding. And they feel like a knife in my gut.
I yank my hands free and turn around, running my hands over my face, trying to get my emotions under control before I turn back to her. “You don’t understand…” my voice is a mere whisper, but even over the chaotic din of the bar, she hears it.
“I don’t understand?” Her voice is sharper than I’ve ever heard it and I’m rushing to backpedal.
“No, that’s not what I meant,” I start, but she doesn’t let me finish.
“I buried my daughter, Emmett. I would never lessen what you’ve been through so don’t you dare do that to me.” She's pointing at me, her chest heaving with each word. “I have spent years beating myself up for not noticing something was wrong, for not doing everything in my power to save her. I spent years being angry. At the world. At my husband. At God. But mostly at myself. I pushed everyone away because I didn’t think I deserved their comfort. Their kind words. Their love.”
She’s shouting by now and the entire bar is watching us, but I don’t care. Her words feel sharp and pointed. Like bullets lodging themselves in my chest. “I’m so sorry I left,” I say, my words inadequate, but I couldn’t have held them in if I tried.
She smiles then, a watery smile as the tears continue dripping down her cheeks. “Don’t apologize. I understand.” She places a hand over her own heart and says, “I lost my heart, too. We’ve both spent so long punishing ourselves for something completely out of our control. It’s time we let ourselves heal, don’t you think?”
I don’t waste time walking around the bar. Planting my hands on it, I lift myself over it and pull Doris into my arms. She hugs me tight, like she can put the broken pieces of my soul back together if only she squeezes hard enough. And maybe she’s onto something because I’ll be damned if I don’t feel the dam in my chest breaking open as the grief I’ve bottled up for years starts seeping out. I’m not whole yet, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be whole again, but she’s right. Maybe I can at least forgive myself.
She pulls back enough to look in my eyes, a significant feat since she’s all of five feet tall, and says, “I would love to meet the girl that put a smile back on your face after all these years, Emmett.”
My hopes dim as I think of the girl in question. “I think it’s too late for that, Doris. I messed up.”
“It’s never too late to try, Emmett.”
