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Adonis
As I open the hospital door, my first step out of this place is a giant one. My entire body aches and my mind is still cloudy, but I take a deep breath and step out. On one hand, I am relieved to be leaving this place behind, but also overwhelmed by the bustling streets. I try to take in my new reality. The world almost seems too big after being in that tiny room for so long.
The sun blazes down on my exposed skin, and the smell of freedom weighs heavily in the air. I take a hesitant step forward, uncertain of the ground beneath my feet. I want to be excited, but a feeling of dread lingers in my chest. I look around, taking in the vibrant world that seems so distant. For the first time in weeks, I feel liberated.
The world remains the same, yet something has changed. The trees are blooming, the sun is shining, and the wind is soft. It's overwhelming seeing its complexity and beauty. Everywhere I look, I am reminded of the impermanence of life and my heart is heavy with a newfound appreciation of it all. What will come next?
I try to hide my smile, but a warmth overcomes me. Ryan pulls up in his truck, knowing they won't let me walk home even if it’s just a couple of blocks. As he comes to my side of the truck, I quickly push him away, not wanting to see me as weak. I’m a fucking man, damnit. "I can do it myself," I say defiantly, though my voice trembles. He looks at me sharply, his breathing heavy. He steps back, raising his hands as if to surrender before quickly getting back in the truck. I sigh and turn away, feeling drained of all energy.
As Ryan and I speed away, I'm reminded of how life used to be out there. The dogs being taken for a walk, the couples walking hand in hand, and the children playing. It's different from the grim reality of being inside that room. I'm happy to be out, and it's nice to see others enjoying life.
Instead of taking me home, Ryan has the bright idea to take me to the firehouse. He honks on the horn and all the guys come out cheering and applauding, wearing their heavy coats and helmets. They surround the truck and Ryan hops out, followed by me. We laugh and joke around, hugging each other. They are more than just coworkers, many are like brothers to me, and I can feel their support radiating from them.
"Alright, I'm ready to get home and sleep in my own damn bed. See you guys."
The car ride back to my place is silent, and Ryan knows that I want nothing more than to be back in my own place, away from the relentless wires and nurses constantly checking up on me. I hadn't gotten more than a few hours of sleep in the hospital a night, and all I want to do is drift off into a deep slumber for days. Being home, surrounded by my own things, is just what I need.
"See ya bud."
I step out of the car, grateful to finally be home. My house, which I left so many weeks ago, is now a welcome sight. I'm still in awe that I survived the ordeal.
The temperature has started to drop causing my teeth to chatter, as I slowly make my way toward the front door. I remember the feeling that overwhelmed me as I lay in the hospital, the feeling of mortality that seeped into my consciousness.
I pause for a moment, caught up in my thoughts before I realize I am standing in front of the door. Taking a deep breath, I slowly push it open, bracing for the onslaught of feelings I know will hit. The comforting warmth of home greets me.
In the living room, I locate Damon, a beacon of solace surrounded by the smells familiar to home. I stay in the doorway, uncertain if I wish to be by myself or have a conversation. After a short pause, Damon stands and beckons me to him. He takes a seat on the couch and I follow suit.
Tears well up in his eyes. "I've been so worried about you. When I saw them loading you into the ambulance, it brought back too many memories. I wanted to come see you, but... you know hospitals aren't my thing. Carol died there, and I could never bring myself to set foot in one again."
I don't hold it against him for not visiting. He has gone through a lot losing Carol, but now he has Tessa. He found love again. One day, I'll do the same.
“You almost died, man. But that little girl – she’s alive now because of you. Didn’t you hear the building starting to crumble around you?”
“All I heard was someone screaming for help. I don’t think I had time to be afraid.”
“You weren’t scared to risk your life? You truly are a hero, bud.”
“Nah, it was just my job. Someone else would have done the same thing.”
Damon furrows his brow, staring off into the distance. "It's a scary thing, to see how quickly life can change. To think that your time was so close - you almost didn't make it."
I exhale. "That's why I'm here now - to appreciate what I have and use this second chance at life wisely. To not take anything for granted."
"I agree," he replies, turning back to me. "We all should be living our lives as if it's our last day."
Damon knows what it's like to lose someone. He lost his wife to a terrible battle of cancer and almost succumbed to depression if not for his brothers. Now, he is happily married with two kids. If anyone can teach me how to appreciate life a little more, it's him.
"So, what should I do now? What can I do to appreciate life more?"
Damon fumbles with his hands. "Well, you can start by trying to enjoy the little things. Try to find joy in the everyday moments. Take time to look at the stars, or listen to the birds singing, or feel the wind in your hair. It sounds simple, but it can be so powerful. Every moment is an opportunity to be in the present and appreciate life, if you take advantage of it."
We talk late into the night, recounting the events of the last three weeks and Damon merely listens, allowing me to process the emotions that are running through me. We didn't talk about what the future might hold, and I'm grateful for that. I survived, but I know now that I can die at any moment, and I want to make the most of the time I have left. Whether it be months, years, or decades.
When I finally rise to go to bed, relief washes over me. A sense of understanding on what I want to do. I want to live life to the fullest, and I want to find love again. But I'm not ready to make any decisions about my future just yet. I survived a brush with death, and now I want to take some time to figure out what that means for me. I nod to Damon in goodbye, and trudge to the bedroom, ready to tackle the next day with renewed vigor.
17
Raven
