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In the midst of the madness and the pain, I was drowning in my shame, knowing that this time I had pushed the boat out too far. There was no coming back from the hell I had landed in. The hill I needed to climb back up was too steep.
Her face.
It was all I could see in this moment.
Like a beacon of light in the darkness, guiding me home.
She doesn’t want you.
Who the fuck would want you?
Just come back to me, Joe…
On unsteady legs, I stood up and blindly felt my way around the room until my fingers landed on a light switch. The minute the room was bathed in light, I felt like passing out. The pain in my head was too fucking much to handle. Clutching onto a wooden dresser, I tried to steady my breathing and not pass out from the pain, while I squinted and slowly brought my vision into focus.
I was still here.
Still in the manor.
Mister Rugby.
“Fuck.” Blowing out a pained breath, I forced myself to look at my reflection staring back at me in the mirror over the dresser. With my face distorted from bruising and swelling, and a couple of weeks’ worth of stubble to contend with, I struggled to recognize myself.
I didn’t look like me anymore.
I didn’t look like anyone I’d ever known.
With one hand still clutching the dresser for balance, I reached up and trailed my fingers over the yellowish bruising swelling on my face. Leaning in closer to get a better look at the damage, I squinted to focus and studied my bloodshot eyes.
I couldn’t see the white of my eyes anymore.
It had been replaced with burst blood vessels.
Confused and panicked, I jerked away from the mirror, unable to look at myself a second longer. Because I despised the person staring back at me.
I fucking hated that piece of shit.
It took me a ridiculous amount of time to locate my runners, and even longer to get them on my feet and tie my laces. But I did it.
Grabbing a random hoodie off the back of a chair, I gingerly shrugged it on and pulled the hood up before moving for the door. Somehow, I managed to put one foot in front of the other and navigate my way out of the bedroom I’d unintentionally taken refuge in and find my way to the staircase. Trip-tumbling down the steps, I clung to the banister for balance, barely making it to the bottom without breaking my fucking neck.
Shivering from the cold, I made my way to the front door and let myself out. Feeling off-center and confused, I tried to get my bearings, tried to figure out where the fuck I was and where I needed to go to find my way back to her, but it wasn’t coming easily to me. My thoughts were all jumbled up and my sense of direction had deserted me.
He’s out there.
He’s coming back for you.
You’re all going to die.
Find her.
Come back to me, Joe.
Joey, don’t leave me on my own.
Shaking my head, I wobbled unsteadily on my feet as I followed the tree line down a long lane, letting my legs lead me when my brain wouldn’t comply.
Keep going.
