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He was supposed to be there for me through all of life’s ups and downs, but I robbed myself of that opportunity.
Right now, he would be telling me to hold on. To not give up hope.
Except my eyes feel heavy. I want to sleep. I want to close my eyes and drift off, hoping that when I wake up, I’ll see that this has been nothing but a bad dream.
I want so desperately for this all to be a bad dream.
When I wake up, I’m going to be back in Brookes’ arms. He’s going to hold me tight as the scent of his spicy cologne wraps around me. That tight hug is going to let me know that everything is alright. That we’re alright.
“I’m so sorry.” My voice is soft in the dark bivy sack. It’s a whispered apology to two men who aren’t here.
The only two men who have ever mattered to me.
“I have to hold on for them. I have to stay awake. I really need to stay awake.”
The hand warmers shift around at the bottom of the bivy sack. Some of the heat seeps through the thick material of my boots, warming my feet. It doesn’t feel like enough.
No matter what I do, it doesn’t feel like enough.
Hot tears track down my frosty cheeks as I squeeze my eyes shut.
I got myself into this mess. If I knew how to properly navigate the mountain, Clara wouldn’t have told me to go back to the clearing. And even if she still did, I would have been able to find my way back to the clearing.
She’s the only person who knows I’m out here. What’s going to happen when she tells the others?
She’s going to get me kicked out of training.
I deserve to be kicked out of training. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing, even after the last couple weeks.
When the storm stops, I’m going to crawl out of the bivy sack and make the long walk back to the Barn. I’m going to apologize to Patrick and explain everything to him.
I’m going to have to see the disappointment in his eyes.
This isn’t what I wanted. I thought that coming out here was going to be easier. I thought I was going to be able to do it.
There’s a part of me that still wants to do this. It’s a foolish part. That little part says that I’m going to be able to get out of this sack and head back down the mountain. It wants to believe that everything is going to be alright, even though I know it’s not.
The rational part of me knows that this is the end.
I’m a failure. I’ve never been anything but a failure.
I’ve let Mom and Dad down again.
I take a deep breath and tuck my arms closer to my body. The wind still howls outside, even though it’s getting a little quieter.
A gap appears in the bivy sack and my heart plummets. The icy air rushes in as the gap grows wider. Numbness races through my body from my head to my toes.
“Hey there, Jessie, how’s it going?”
Brookes gives me that grin that drives my heart wild as he shines a flashlight into the sack. He looks down at me, shielding the wind and the snow with his body.
“This has to be a dream right now. There’s no way you’re here. I’m in the middle of dying.”
He reaches into the sack and pulls me out, helping me to my feet. “You are fucking terrible at navigation, you know that?”
His teasing tone makes me feel a little better. “I really am awful at it.”
I stand on my toes, pulling down the fabric that covers his mouth and mine. The kiss warms me to my core, our mouths sliding together. When the cold starts to seep in, I step back and pull the fabric back over my mouth.
