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“And are you going?” She looks at me, and I take a deep breath.
“I don’t know if I should,” I say softly.
“And why shouldn’t you?” she asks.
“Because I’m still furious with them,” I snap. “I’m so fucking pissed that they helped him lead the life he did.”
“Did they really help him?” Her voice never goes up or down.
“I mean, they didn’t put a stop to it.” I shrug. “Then again, neither did I.” The guilt of not speaking up before he died is always the last thing I think about before I drift off to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake up. If I have a minute to spare during the day, it’s there like a nagging thought. What did you do to help him? It’s the loaded question that runs through my mind. It also guilts me that I have no answer to that question. Or better yet, the answer to that question is nothing. I did nothing to help him, just like they did.
“Benji is the only one who was responsible for what happened. Not you, his teammates, his father, or your girls. He was the one who made the decision each time he took those drugs.” She’s one thousand percent right. No one could have helped Benji if he didn’t want it.
“It’s a disease,” I try to defend him, but even I know.
“Yes, it is. And people get help every single day.” She leans forward. “When they want to.”
“It’s going to be fucking awkward,” I finally say. “Like everyone is going to be there with their family, and then it’s the sad widow and his kids.”
“Have they treated you differently?” I shake my head at the question. “And if Benji was still here, would you go?”
“Well, I’m not sure.” I stop there. “I mean, I’m sure the kids would go with him, but I’m not sure I would. The kids would love it.”
“This is your new normal,” she reminds me. “You can either stay home and wallow in the grief or?—”
“Or?” I respond right away. “Whatever the or is, I choose or.” She laughs at me. “For the girls, I’ll suck it up, and worst case”—I smirk—“it’ll be a three-session week. And you’ll see me every second day.”
“We can work with that.” She nods at me, and the rest of the hour is spent planning how I’m going to start to take back my life, or at least try.
The week flies by with school and me trying to make sure I’m busy every hour of the day the kids are gone. My house is now ready for winter even though it’s only September. Most of the summer clothes are packed away, and the winter clothes are waiting to be worn.
It’s Friday night, and the girls are running into my room wearing blue jeans and their team jerseys with Benji’s name on them while I sit on the bed putting on my white sneakers. “I’m ready,” Rain announces, smiling at me. “Did you pack my skates?”
“I did,” I assure her. “I did that this morning after I dropped you off.”
“Mine too?” Luna asks, and I nod at her, wondering how the fuck she is going to go on the ice without Benji. I mean, I can skate a little bit, but not enough to make sure she doesn’t fall. Worst case, I’ll fall and she’ll fall on top of me.
“Yes, yours too,” I say, hoping she gets there and decides she’d rather play in the kids’ suite than go on the ice.
“Let’s go.” I get up, grab the light blue jean jacket, and put it on top of the white shirt I paired with my black leggings. I roll the sleeves to the jacket before walking out with the girls. Every second we get closer and closer to the arena, I feel like I’m going to throw up. I have to breathe in through my nose and out my mouth. The pressure on my chest is so tight I cough a couple of times to help with my breathing.
Pulling into the underground garage makes my hands shake when I hold up the parking pass. The door opens right away. I make my way down and turn the corner when I see Christopher getting out of his truck. His eyes automatically go to mine and his face fills with a smile as he points at what used to be Benji’s parking spot. I pull into the spot, seeing they have yet to take down his name. My heart jackhammers in my chest.
I don’t have a chance to even think twice about it when the girls yell his name, “Uncle Christopher!” Rain unbuckles her seat belt.
I turn off the car and unlock the doors right before he opens the back door. “Oh my goodness.” His voice is like butter. “Look at these girls,” he gasps, “they got so big.”
“Uncle Chrissy,” Luna announces, “I brought my skates.” The minute she says that, I inwardly cringe, knowing I will have no choice but to embarrass myself by getting on the ice with her.
“I hope so.” He grabs Rain by her waist and takes her out, kissing her cheek. “Did you bring yours?” She nods as he puts her down, closing the door and walking around the other side to do the same thing with Luna. “Someone got taller,” he croons when he kisses her cheek, “you are almost the same height as me.”
He puts her down as I get out of the SUV. “Hey,” he greets me, wrapping his arm around my waist and kissing my cheek. “It’s so good to see you.” I just nod at him, taking him in. He’s wearing light blue jeans with a white shirt and a black jacket on top. His black-and-white Vans finish the outfit. It’s a casual outfit, but the way it fits him, it’s more like he’s a model than anything else. I mean, his looks make all the girls go crazy for him, but it’s the way he cares about everyone and everything that makes him special. He’s always the first one to help if something happens to anyone. He goes above and beyond for his friends. He showed me time and time again when it was with Benji, whether it was to help build that tree house in the yard or he had to get a Santa Claus costume because he forgot. It was always Christopher as his backup guy. He lets me go and looks at me again. “I’m so happy you guys came. If I knew you were coming, I would have come picked you up.”
“We should get in there.” I avoid answering his statement and instead go to the trunk to grab the girls’ bags. I’m about to grab them when I feel him behind me. He reaches past me, our hands landing on the handles of the bags at the same time.
“I got it,” he says when all I can do is stare at his hand covering mine. I quickly slip my hand from under his, turning to the girls while he grabs the bags.
“Let’s go,” he invites, and we walk to the door. It’s a walk I’ve made hundreds of times before, but it’s so much different this time. I look over at the girls to make sure they are okay as we step into the hallway leading down to the locker room.
