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I turned to leave the room. I didn’t need any more contention. Sieffre was right. I should move on. Explore more of this world.
Kenrik grabbed my hand. He pulled heavily as if he still needed the support.
I pushed Kenrik, and he stumbled half a step. “Your father asked me to make a decision. I shouldn’t lead you or Kelyn on. I’m not ready to fall in love.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I can’t love anyone from this world. Ever since I came here, men have been coveting me, eyeing me, pawing me. First Owein, then Kelyn, and you. Even strangers in the marketplace!”
Kenrik snickered. “I saw you before Kelyn.”
“This isn’t a game!” Couldn’t he read the pain on my face? Pushing Kenrik away was killing me. Oh, Kenrik, don’t stare at me like that. As if I was the only thing worth living for.
He edged me against the wall and pressed his hips against mine, pinning me. I cowered limply against the wall and his body, letting his advance, his drive, course through me. He could have devoured me with his look. He was devouring me, and I didn’t want him to stop.
His voice deepened. Kenrik seemed to have recovered from his bumbling. He knew exactly what he was doing as he spoke with his mouth a finger’s breadth from mine. “I know. Believe me, this isn’t a game for me either.”
My body tingled beneath Kenrik’s firm touch. The pleasure alone almost made me forget my indignation and anguish. I settled into the feeling but shook it off as reason returned. This is physical longing. This is a basic human need. I am above such passions. “Even if I fall in love with you, you’ll eventually die. Whether from illness, accident, or old age, it doesn’t matter. I’ll end up alone. I couldn’t live alone after my mortal husband died!”
Kenrik’s face fell, but his thighs, his arms, his torso flexed. “Love is worth the time, no matter how fragile and short-lived it might be.”
“You know nothing of eternity, Kenrik.” I pressed my palm against his chest, willing distance between us. “You can’t even imagine. I’m over seven hundred years old. If you managed to live until I was eight hundred and fifty that would be a miracle. But what would happen to me over the next couple of centuries? Over the next millennium?”
His mouth contorted as he emphasized his words. “If you loved me, or even Kelyn, you’d want to make us happy during the pathetic mortal lives we have.”
My stomach plunged into my feet. “The way we bond is different. The way my people bind themselves to each other is so complete, so all consuming, that I’m afraid of how that would feel if death severed the bond.”
“So you’re telling me you’re a coward. You fear to love.” His brown eyes were filled with accusation.
“I fear to love you!” I chewed my lip, afraid of what my words meant. I couldn’t love Kenrik. Could I? We were so emotionally invested in each other. That was a first step—a first bond.
No. I was being childish again. I didn’t know what love was. Just because I discerned the emotion in others didn’t mean I fully grasped what being in love felt like.
Kenrik touched his forehead to mine and cradled my face. “Consume me, Niawen. Consume me. Own me, body and spirit. Possess my soul for as long as there’s breath in my body. I know you feel us. You have for some time. There’s something between us.”
I smothered the whimper dying to emerge. Confusion twisted my insides. “What about me? I’m trying to make you understand. I’ll go on living. You can’t tell me that as Sorfrona lay dying, your heart didn’t shred into smaller and smaller pieces each day. That will happen to me if I lose you.”
“Of course my heart broke. You can’t imagine what watching her almost die was like.”
“See! I guess we can’t put ourselves in each other’s shoes. A life together would never work.” I pushed him back. I was too overwhelmed with his face in mine. Too overwhelmed with his body against me.
Kenrik squeezed his eyes tight in frustration. “Death is a part of life. It’s painful, but people move on.”
“That’s what you’re asking me to do? When you draw your last breath, you’re asking me to forget you and move on?”
“Not forget me. Remember me. And our happiness, then move on. I wouldn’t expect you to mourn me your entire life. Remarry.”
“You don’t even know what you’re saying! This argument is ridiculous.”
His face pleaded; I couldn’t stand the way his forehead wrinkled in desperation. “Pick me, Niawen.”
“Love is fleeting. I don’t want it. I didn’t come seeking it.” This was what I had to tell myself even as the drive for a soul mate tore through me. Denying my feelings was the only way to keep Kenrik and Kelyn from hating each other.
“Look at me. Really look at me, and you’ll see the depth of my devotion. I’d crawl through eternal hellfire for you.”
I dared not peek into Kenrik in such a way, not after Aneirin. And certainly not knowing that whatever love I might find could be dead tomorrow or in a few decades. Kenrik couldn’t understand how time moved for someone like me, but I turned to him. “I didn’t ask for a confirmation of your devotion. Why does everyone ask that?”
“Do you love me, Niawen?”
