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“You’re only who you want to be. Don’t give me rubbish about life choosing the path for you. We make the choice.” When had I become so wise?
“What if, deep inside, I’ve already made the choice?”
“And what choice would that be?” I asked.
“To quit fighting. I haven’t the strength anymore.”
“I refuse to believe that. You pulled me off a ledge the other day, and now you’re telling me you want to give up?”
“I’ve been lying to you so you wouldn’t go away. Because I need you. But I don’t want to drag you into this. I thought if you were just near me, I’d be fine. That your light would make a difference.”
“You will be fine with me here.”
“You’re staring at a monster.” Caedryn frowned. “Your face shows how horrified you are, even if you block your emotions. I told you no one could gauge my emotions because I concealed them. I’ve been hiding everything from you.”
“Stop it. Stop hiding. I demand that you show me what’s going on in your head.”
“You won’t like what you see. And I can’t promise you anything. I deceive. I excel at nothing better.”
“You’ve done this.” I gestured around the room. “You’ve revealed a part of yourself with this explosive tantrum.”
“It became too much.” He swallowed. “A ticking bomb exploded.”
A ticking bomb. Tick. Tick. Tick. A similar bomb erupted in me when I killed those men, unleashing a dark symbiotic coating over my heart-center. Caedryn was living with a darkness I was just beginning to grasp in myself.
“Monster or not, we all live in nightmare. We can fight together,” I said.
His shoulders softened, falling in defeat. He looked at me with his forlorn eyes. “So be it. It’s going to get ugly.”
FORTY-SEVEN
“Do you regret your request?” A weakness crept into Caedryn’s voice. His distress had multiplied since the day he’d confessed about his nightly purgatory, but I also had the strange notion something else bothered him.
He just refused to tell me.
I sat on the edge of his bed, with my body turned to his, mopping at his forehead with a damp cloth. “Show me.”
“I can’t let you enter my mind.”
“They’re just nightmares.”
Caedryn shook his head. “You’re too innocent to experience the life I’ve lived. I can’t damage your light by subjecting you to such hideous monstrosities.”
“This is the fourth night in a row.”
“And I told you I have them every night. You didn’t listen.”
“That’s why no one else sleeps in this wing,” I said. “You’re too loud when you scream in the dead of night.”
“I’m sorry your emrys hearing allows you to hear my howls.”
I fingered the quilting on the silken comforter. “How have you kept yourself from crying out before?”
“Cloaking. I cast a field of energy that blocks others from hearing my cries, because I frightened too many maids and guards away. I’ve learned to deal with the nightmares myself.”
“That’s awful. I wish Catrin were here. She could heal your mind—give you peace.”
“No one can give me peace.”
