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“Yep.” I nod, popping the p like a teenager. “Can’t say I’m loud and proud just yet, but… at least I’m no longer in denial.”
The silence stretches, and then he asks, “How did your family take it?”
“My brother said now we finally know why I’ve always been weird.”
“Gee, thanks, bro!” Trevor huffs and I chuckle, relieved by this tiny crack in his ice.
“Well, it was a refreshing change bantering with my brother instead of the deep ‘how are you really feeling’ conversations I had with my sisters.” The silence stretched again, so I continue, “The hardest – and probably best conversation – was telling my ex-wife. It explained so much for both of us, why we didn’t work. Yet… she now has to come to terms with having been married to a gay man for the last five years.”
“I can understand that’s kind of awkward.”
“I’ve told her she can tell our friends I’m bisexual. It may make it easier on her.”
“But you’re not…” Again that look through the corner of his eyes. “Bisexual?”
I shrug but keep his gaze that he barely gives me captive. “Maybe. I mean, I’ve cared deeply for every woman I’ve been with. But… none of them has made my heart beat… like that.” I try to laugh and say, “None of them gave me a hard-on while arguing.”
My heart thumps fast as his gaze darkens, but he turns away. I swallow tightly. I’m not sure what I expected coming up here, but this conversation is like pulling teeth.
“My self-discovery has led me to believe that…” I take a deep breath. “I felt lost and abandoned when my family moved to Australia. I needed the security blanket of another person close to me, so I was clinging tightly to my girlfriend, giving her all of me. When it ended, I jumped straight into another, just as consuming relationship, afraid to be alone, and never giving me time on my own to have a good look at who I am and what I really want. Perhaps, if I had moved with my parents, I would have had the guts to admit my sexuality a long time ago.”
A tiny nod is the only indication he’s listening to my rambling.
I rub my neck and force my hopeful words past my lips. “It took you, Trevor… to make me realise who I am.”
“And now that you’re out, have you…” There’s a darkness to his tone. “Have you been on any dates?”
“No.” I snort. “My ex tried to set me up, but there’s no point.”
“Why?”
“He’s not you.”
Trevor runs his hand over his face and beard. “Jamie…”
“I was hoping… I don’t know,” I stutter through my words. “If maybe you felt… as strongly about me as I do about you.”
“You broke my heart when I found out about you and Julie,” he seethes through gritted teeth.
I broke his heart. That means he had feelings for me, I wasn’t just a piece of ass as he claimed when he told me to leave. I knew it, knew it in my gut, but doubt has a tendency to cloud your emotions. I close my eyes and swallow. “I-I’m sorry.”
“It’s one thing denying you’re gay, I can get over that, but Julie…” He huffs and turns his head away from me. “It doesn’t matter what I feel. I’ll never do anything again that could hurt my family. Hurt Julie.”
I lower my head in defeat. An ache is spreading through my chest. Nothing has changed. This trip was futile.
“There are no more grass here!”
Turning my watery gaze to my son standing in a green field, I point to his right and say through the lump in my throat. “It looks like really juicy grass there.”
“Oh, yay!”
“You broke my heart,” Trevor repeats on a whisper. Then he straightens. “Adam, I think you’ve got enough. You want to go see Rosie?”
I sigh deeply. With my head hung low, I follow the two down the field.
My son’s wellies are covered in mud up to the edge as he shouts, “Rosie!”
The half-ton beast lifts its head, big brown eyes zooming in on my son. The smile on Adam’s face is one of utter devotion. I glance up at Trevor, finding his blue eyes already on me. My heart thumps against my chest, and I wish I was like Adam, his heart on his sleeve and arms full of grass, fearless in the presence of those he loves.
