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Joe’s gripping his phone so hard that his knuckles have gone white.
‘Just me and Celeste?’ he whispers.
‘I can be on standby if you want to pull a sickie on the day?’
Joe huffs. ‘Nah, I’ll do it. Might be good to put this to the test,’ he says under his breath, motioning between the two of us. ‘A little mid-term to see how well the plan’s going.’
‘I love tests!’ I whisper, thrilled. ‘You can report back and then I can come up with some ways we can make the whole thing more believable, if we need to.’
Joe grins at me. ‘Any chance to get the pastel Post-it notes out, eh?’
‘You know me so well.’
Turning our attention back to the group, we realise that Tally is in the middle of the room bending herself into a pretzel shape. ‘This is called Destroyer of the Universe,’ she’s explaining, propping herself up on one hand while bending a leg behind her torso. ‘It’s, like, the most challenging yoga pose. So what I’m thinking is, what if I led the children in a mindful yoga practice before sports day starts?’
Frankie attempts the same position but falls flat on her face so I scoop her up off the floor.
‘If I can’t do it I don’t imagine the kids will be able to?’ Frankie suggests while Tally uncoils herself with grace.
Tally ignores her. ‘Also, I’m working with a company who make gut-friendly smoothies for children and they’ve offered to supply us with a load for sports day. They need to be refrigerated so the brand is asking if we’ll have access to St Barnaby’s kitchen?’
Celeste doesn’t know.
‘Would it matter too much if the smoothies weren’t chilled?’ I suggest.
‘Afraid so. Something to do with live bacteria. Anything over ten degrees Celsius and there might be a problem with vomiting.’
‘That’s a firm no,’ Mel, the medical mum, butts in. ‘We’re not risking mass-vomiting on sports day for the sake of another one of your sponsored ads, Tally.’
Tally swings her ponytail in frustration. ‘Don’t tell me you’re going to bring up the tooth-whitening mishap again?’
‘What tooth-whitening mishap?’ I ask, intrigued.
‘Last October Tally got all the mums some new charcoal tooth-whitening stuff to try, only it turned out the charcoal was way too strong and ended up giving us all bloating issues,’ Mel explains.
‘I had flatulence for a week.’ Frankie sighs.
‘Bet you’re glad you weren’t part of the group back then,’ Joe whispers to me.
‘I’ve stopped working with that brand now,’ Tally forges on. ‘And if it’s a no to the smoothies then I insist on my mindful yoga for sports day. I need some original content otherwise what will my parent followers think? Mama in Pearls is closing in on my follower count and I refuse to lose my top mumfluencer in the South West status to a woman who wears pearls. They are so unethical.’
Celeste surreptitiously tucks her own pearl necklace under her jumper. ‘Yoga sounds great,’ she says. ‘I think we’re in good shape here. Anything else to add before we wine and cheese?’
‘Is wine and cheese a verb now?’ I whisper to Frankie.
She splutters. ‘What did you get up to this weekend? Oh, I wine and cheesed.’
I giggle.
‘Actually yes. I have a suggestion for our next Barnaby’s night out,’ Tally says. My ears prick up, excited at the prospect. ‘You know Sassy Sylvia’s?’ She looks expectantly around the group only to be met by a lot of vacant gazes. ‘The cult London bar? It’s literally the place to be seen. They’ve just finished their first outpost here in Bristol and naturally I’m invited to the launch party, so I’ve got us on the guest list.’
‘Ooh,’ coos Frankie. ‘Will there be booze?’
‘There will be free booze.’
‘Then you can hook that vodka into my veins.’
Joe looks the least thrilled of the group but I pat him on the shoulder and dish out another reassuring look. This is great news! He locks eyes with me and I get a glimpse of the real Joe just before Celeste swoops over, having found herself in an alleged cheese-related emergency which, she claims, only Joe can help her with. She’s dragging him off to inspect her brie faster than I can protest, her arm wrapped around his waist. As I watch them, I wonder why Celeste seems to like me even less these days. Why she’s always commandeering my fake boyfriend. Why only Joe will do when she can’t fathom how to unwrap a chunk of brie. If I wasn’t sure before, I am now – Celeste has a mad crush on Joe.
