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Beau had always wanted Lola as she was—as long as it was on his terms. She shook her head, still uncomfortably close to the ledge. “It’s not enough.”
There was struggle in his face, his eyes, when he said, “It was once.”
She nodded, remembering. “I want you to know—to me, you are enough...”
“I’m talking about all this.” She gestured around them. “You can’t just ask me to forgive you because you realize the mistakes you’ve made.”
Beau inclined his head a little, squinting at her. “So what’re you saying? This is just done?”
“Why’d you come here?”
“I couldn’t walk away without knowing I’d tried.”
“You tried, I’ll give you that. But this is where it ends,” she repeated his words back to him.
He shook his head. “I was talking about the torment, the pain, the games. All of that ends now.” He gestured between them. “Not this.”
Lola looked at Beau. He was trying, but she needed more. She needed all of him the way she’d been prepared to give him all of herself. He had to be exhausted by his love for her, because their child deserved that from both of them.
“This. Us,” Lola said. “This is where we end.”
“Don’t.” He shook his head. “You can’t tell me you drove all that time and never thought of me. Never wished to be back in my arms, to be loved by me. That you—”
“You have no idea—”
“That you don’t still love me—”
“Of course I do,” Lola cried. Late nights clutching her pillow, wishing it was him. Driving for hours trying to think of anything but him. It wasn’t fair that even when she hurt him, she hurt herself. She never got a break from the pain, and he had the nerve to come here and accuse her of otherwise. “You don’t think this has been torture for me too? I fucking loved you with everything. You could’ve burned every last dollar—I wouldn’t have cared. I loved the way you loved me, something nobody ever gave me. Fuck you,” she said, reluctant tears flooding her eyes, “for thinking you suffered more than me.”
“I broke your heart—fine. Mine broke every day I woke up and thought, ‘Today I’ll find her. Today I’ll bring her home.’ Now I have you—and you’re going to tell me no?”
“You deserved everything you got.”
“I did. I accept that. But don’t keep punishing me.”
“You don’t even know what lies ahead,” Lola said and resisted touching her stomach again. If there was an ounce of love in him for her, she could tear his heart out every day once he found out she was pregnant. But she’d be tearing her own heart out too and now, she actually needed it to raise this baby.
“I don’t deserve this anymore,” he said.
“You deserve it,” she snapped. She breathed hard, curling her hands in and out of fists. She’d been holding the reins for weeks, and she didn’t know how to loosen her grip. “You deserve all of it. For being a monster.”
“I’ve learned my lesson. And I’m grateful for that, because now I know I can make you happy. You’re more than enough, Lola—the money doesn’t mean shit if you aren’t by my side. I want to try to be enough for you.”
“No. You had your chance, and you blew it. We’re finished, and there isn’t anything you can say to change my mind.”
Slowly, he inclined his head forward. “You’re serious about this?”
“I will not make the same mistakes again.”
They stared at each other, him looking on the verge of speaking until he closed his mouth. “I don’t know how else to get you to see—I thought…I thought—”
“You thought what? You’d never have to pay for treating people like this?”
He looked away from her, his eyes eventually drifting down to the ground. He blinked, his hand twitched. His eyebrows lowered. And she watched his every move, not knowing what she was hoping for, just that he wasn’t giving it to her. He turned around.
“Where are you going?” Lola asked.
He stopped, looked back. “I don’t know. I’m standing here, prepared to do whatever you ask, but you’re asking me to do nothing.”
“No,” she said sharply. She jabbed a finger in his direction. “You don’t get to walk away. I do.”
His eyebrows knit as he faced her again. “What?”
“Do you know how it feels to lay it all on the line only to have the person you love tear you apart?”
He nodded. “I do now.”
“No, you don’t. You said you loved me—but I was about to give you everything I had. You waited until I was at my most vulnerable to rip my heart out. I want to do the same to yo
u, and then I get to walk away. Do you understand?”
“No. I—”
“I want to gut you of your dignity.”
His face went smooth, his body still. Dignity, pride, ego, his and hers—that was how they’d gotten here. Neither of them wanted to give up those things. “I don’t know what else to say.” Beau’s jaw clenched as he swallowed. “I love you. I want to make a life with you. That’s my everything.”
“Stand on the cliff,” she said. “You stand there for once.”
He glanced behind her. “What?”
She looked back at that enormous hole in the earth and pointed at the crag. “You need to know how it feels to be cornered for once. To have no control.”
He put his hands in his pockets and walked toward her without hesitating. She held her breath as they passed each other and only let it go once they’d switched spots. He walked over to the ledge and looked down, but only for a brief second. He turned his back to it. “I never thought I could love anyone the way I love you.”
“Did you hear that in a movie?” Lola asked.
He narrowed his eyes on her, rolling his lips inward. “It’s true, Lola.”
“It’s not good enough.”
“I don’t understand. What do you want from me?”
“I want you to give me what I gave you. Every last thing you have. And when you’re emptied out, and your heart is in the dirt? I’m going to walk away, Beau. I’m going to leave you standing here in your own mess. You will never see me again. So, come on. If you love me like you say, you’ll give me the closure I deserve.”
He stared at her, something miserable in his green eyes. It was almost enough to get her to call this off, but this was what she needed. Because nobody could hurt Beau’s pride worse than himself. If he could go to that place for her, knowing it wouldn’t win him anything in the end, then maybe Lola could trust in what he was trying to tell her.
She held her breath, waiting. He made no move to speak, just blinked a few times. For a minute, she thought he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t give himself up to save them.
