It’s movie night, just the two of us, snacks, the new Marvel movie on DVD. It’ll be a fun night.
And it’s the perfect time to tell him.
Jason meets me in the school parking lot after dark.
He’s leaning against the wall next to the gym, relaxed, hands in his jeans. The version of him I’ve been seeing more of lately. My boyfriend. Those words make me smile every time I think them.
“Hey,” I call out, and when he sees me, his face does the thing it sometimes does, the almost-smile that he never quite lets out, but I see it, and it makes my heart flutter.
“Hey.” He glances around, always checking. “What’s up?”
He meets me in the middle, gripping my hips and kissing my lips. “I need to talk to you about something,” I say, smiling into the kiss.
He nods, pulling back, but leaving his hands on me, the way I like them. “Okay.”
I take a deep breath.
This is it.
“I’ve been thinking,” I start. My heart is already pounding, but I ignore it for now. This is okay. It’s a good thing. “I’m going to tell Nate.”
The easy expression doesn’t disappear right away, but his eyebrows furrow and his grip on me tightens. “Tell Nate what?”
“About me.” I hold his gaze even though everything in me is saying to look away. To back up. “About being gay. I want to come out to him.”
There’s only silence.
Only us and the cold and the wind blowing my hair in my face.
“No,” Jason finally says.
Just that.
No.
“Jason—”
“No!” he shouts, and I do take a step back this time, reading the shift in him. “You’re not doing that.”
“I’ve thought about it a lot,” I continue, hoping I can make him understand that it doesn’t have to be this way. “Nate’s— you know what’s happened with him and Iris, I don’t think he’s the person I thought he was about this stuff, he’s—”
“I don’t give a shit what’s going on with him and that—” His voice has gone low, the way it does, the familiar dread creeps up the back of my neck. “You’re not telling him shit.”
“I can’t stay in the closet forever, Jason.” The words come out steadier than I feel, but now that I’ve decided, I have no interest in changing my mind. “That’s no way to live. I can’t keep lying to my family.”
“You can and you will.” He steps closer, and I hold my ground even though my hands have started to shake. I curl them into fists to keep them still. “You think I don’t know what happens if you come out? You think people won’t put it together?”
“Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad,” I offer. “We wouldn’t have to hide.”
He clenches his jaw, and the vein on his forehead pops out. “You don’t get to decide that for me.”
“I’m not trying to decide anything for you. But I—”
“You’re going to keep your mouth shut,” he says, and anger isn’t the only thing in his voice this time. There’s a little bit of fear, too. “That’s what you’re going to do.”
“Jason.” I look up at him. I’ve given him everything. I’ve tried so hard to be what he needs. I see the good in him. But I can’t give him what he wants this time, not at the expense ofmyhappiness.
“I can’t keep doing this. I’m not asking you to come out if you’re not ready. I know you have a difficult situation. But I can’t keep lying. Nate deserves to know who I am.”
