After a few minutes, I lean back and wipe my face. Hudson helps, wiping my tears with the bottom of his t-shirt.
“Is this how it is for you? The panic attacks, I mean?” My voice is weak, my body exhausted from adrenaline and the emotional rollercoaster.
Hud shrugs. “More or less. They can hit for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes I see them coming. Most of the time, I don’t.”
“This feels like hell. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this for so long.”
He smiles, then kisses me. It’s tender and soft, full of all the love and promises we’ve always whispered to each other.
“I think I need help, Hud,” I admit when he pulls out of the kiss.
He smiles again, his hand resting on my cheek. “It’s okay to need help. You weren’t ready yesterday, but what matters is that you are today.”
My arms wrap around his back, pulling him into me. “I love you. I’m sorry for unloading on you.”
“You needed to. And I understand why.”
Of course I want to argue, but he gives me a look that dares me to. My lips roll inward, and he chuckles.
“Are you going to call Maria?” Hud asks after a few beats of silence. It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him hell no, but I did just admit I need help.
I can’t keep feeling like this.
“Probably should. If she’ll even see me again.”
“Oh, she’ll take you back. She will have a whole session dedicated to what just happened.” Hud looks over my shoulder and grimaces.
“You too, huh?”
“Yeah. She really knows how to pick at the wound, but she’s actually releasing the pain instead of creating more. You have to remember that when you go back.”
My head falls back on my shoulders with a groan. “I’ve never had an issue talking about my feelings. I don’t know why it’s so hard now.”
“Because talking about it makes it real again,” Hud tells me.
We sit locked together for a few moments, not talking, just listening to the soft babble of the river below. I take in the bridge and the surrounding woods, trying to remember what this place really means to us.
“This spot does hold some good memories,” I admit, looking over at Hudson’s Bronco. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to see it the same way again, but I’d like to be able to not freak out when we talk about it. And hopefully, one day, we can come back without the reminder.”
Hud looks thoughtful before he answers. “That’s what I’ve been working on with Maria lately, making peace with this place. It’s too important to me, to us. I still love it here.” He sighs. “Iwas nervous to come back today, too, but I knew we both needed it.”
“That’s why you were Valedictorian,” I joke, pinching his hip.
He lurches to the side, chuckling and smacking my hand away. “And why is that?”
“Because you’re so smart.” I kiss his forehead, and he leans into it.
My lips stay there while he speaks.
“I have an idea.”
“Oh yeah?”
“I’m not stopping my therapy any time soon, and you’ve said that you are going to go back.”
“Yeah, and?”
“What if we kept our separate appointments, but also, maybe, have a joint session every couple of weeks?”
