Page 31 of Before I Lost You

ONE MORE CHANCE

It’s been one week since Ken left my apartment. A perfect day that I’m classifying as the morning after to file away in my mind’s vault that belongs solely to Kenneth Dunn. He stayed over until after dinner; we watched movies, went out for a late lunch, and talked some more. I felt like I was getting to know him, really know him. I was privy to childhood stories, hopes, dreams, and even information about his mom’s diagnosis and prognosis. Now, he feels like a stranger all over again.

Watching him walk away from me felt like a punch to the gut. I knew at that very moment that he’d disappear once more, and I was right. There’s nothing quite like getting your hopes up and then having them crushed to dust. I should’ve known he’d do this, that he couldn’t actually handle getting serious with me. But I believed him when he said he wanted to try with me, that he was serious about it. The kiss he gave me before disappearing from my life again convinced me, and it makes me feel stupid. Gullible. He probably did just want to fuck me and then fuck off out of my life.

While I’m angry that I believed his lies, I’m angrier that he ghosted me again. He could’ve just told me it wasn’t going to work out, and while I would’ve hated it and it would’ve hurt, I know I’d never pressure him. I know I would have accepted it and tried to move on. Emphasis on thetry. There’s no way in hell I won’t suffer, that I won’t be heartbroken. Hell, Iamheartbroken. I’m not sure why this is hitting me so hard, but it really fucking is.

For fuck’s sake.

Did I really go and fall in love with this guy after fucking him once? Or was I already in deep before touching him? Am I just making him more important than he actually is? An idolized figment of my imagination? But no, it really doesn’t feel that way. It feels real—like I know him,reallyknow him. And it makes absolutely no sense.

The last week has gone by agonizingly slowly. I can’t even recall how I used to spend my time before he left. Now all I do is think about him and wallow in self-pity. Yeah, I feel bad for myself, can’t even believe I’m in this situation. Me, the guy who has never done fucking relationships. Seems Kenneth and I really do have things in common, after all. I was stupid to think this could be different. Maybe I should have stuck to my one-night stands. It sure would’ve been less painful that way. I’m starting to think pursuing Kenneth Dunn was the biggest mistake of my life. Maybe it really is better this way.

To avoid thinking about him the way I have been for the past seven days, I decided to go to the grocery store. I usually make this trip once a week, but I’ve spent the last three days in a row walking through aisles and not picking much up. I’m not really sure what I’m looking for other than a distraction. When nothing catches my attention, I go to the ice cream aisle and begin to look for my favorite strawberry mochi. If I’m going to be sad, I’m going to eat ice cream while I do it.

I toss the box of mochi into the cart and look up, just to see Jasmine walking toward me. She looks nervous as she approaches me, and I feel my walls going up, brick by fucking brick. My face is a blank mask, and she looks at me with wide eyes. We stare at each other for a few moments, then she nods, clearly making a decision.

“I imagine you don’t really want to talk to me,” she says with a wince. “I don’t really blame you. He hurt you.”

My nostrils flare. “I’d have to care for him to hurt me.”

“Don’t do that.” Jasmine shakes her head. “We both know you care.”

“Not anymore,” I reply coldly. “Excuse me. I have a lot of work to do tonight.”

“Wait—” she says loudly, getting in front of my shopping cart and blocking my path so I can’t leave. “He’s having a hard time.”

“I don’t care.”

“Yes, youdo,” Jasmine says through gritted teeth. “You can’t lie to me. I know better.”

“You don’t know me at all,” I snap, gripping the cart’s handle so tightly my knuckles blanch.

“I know you like him a lot,” she says angrily. “If you knew what he’s going through, you wouldn’t be this angry. You’d understand.”

“There’s nothing he could be going through that excuses him ghosting me yetagain, Jasmine,” I reply tightly. “He could’ve texted. That goes a long way, you know.”

Jasmine nods. “I know.” Just when I think she’s going to give up and get the hell out of my way, she raises her chin defiantly. “I’m only doing this because I care about him, and I don’t want him to miss out on a chance at being happy. I know you’re pissed, but he really is having a hard time. His mom is in the hospital—she’sreallysick. They’re not sure if she’ll get to leave anytime soon… or at all.”

My blood runs cold. “What do you mean ‘or at all’?”

Jasmine gulps, looking down. “I mean, Alicia might die sooner than we thought. She has an infection in her port, and she was septic.”

Alicia might die.

Fuck.

I shake my head, and she looks at me with hope in her eyes. “She’s—are you sure?”

Jasmine nods firmly. “Conrad, he’s a mess. He’s not eating or sleeping. He won’t leave her bedside. I know you think he doesn’t want you, but he just has a really hard time relying on people, trusting them. He’s scared of letting you in and you leaving. I’m the only family he has left, and he’s terrified of being alone. But he’s even more terrified of having something and then losing it.”

“Why do you care?” I ask, rubbing a hand down my face. “Why do you want me to be with him?”

“H-he hasn’t been excited about anyone in a long time, Conrad.” Her bottom lip wobbles as if she’s about to cry. “He said you felt familiar to him. Like you were always meant to be with him. And he just had this feeling that he knew you. Like soulmates or something. He thinks he’s dreamed about you but can’t remember.”

My hands begin to tremble—my whole body does.

“Where is he?” I ask her with pleading eyes.