Page 93 of Before I Lost You

It’s fucking Wednesday.

Do I really only have six days left of this life? I haven’t said everything I need to say to Kenneth. Haven’t had enough time by his side. But I know one thing for certain: no amount of time will ever be enough.

“Understood.” I swallow hard, hoping my reply is enough to get him off the phone so I can think.

It is.

He says his farewells and wishes me a good rest of my day, but that seems like an impossible task now. There’s no fucking way I’ll be able to sleep for the next six days. The anxiety alone willput me in the ground. I don’t think I can do this. No, I know I can’t.

My hands begin to sweat and shake even harder, and my chest tightens until it feels like I’m having a heart attack. But I’m not. This feeling is familiar now—it’s the same one from the hospital. I’m having a fucking panic attack. So I let myself fall to the floor and press my face between my legs, trying to calm my breathing, but it seems I’m meant to hyperventilate for the rest of my life. No amount of trying is helping. Which triggers tears. And sobs. And snot. My chest feels like it’s on fire now. I hate when this happens; it makes me feel so fucking weak. These panic attacks only make my emotions feel out of whack. Like I’m not in control of my mind or body. It’s horrible. Ihateit.

I’m not sure how long it takes me to calm down, but eventually, my sobs turn to whimpers, and I’m able to get in a full breath. My chest and ribs stop hurting, and I wipe the snot and tears from my face with the bottom of my shirt. I need to get my shit together before I go to Kenneth’s place. He can’t see me like this. He’ll wonder what the hell is going on, and I haven’t figured out how to say this to him. Because how do I explain what happened? How do you tell someone something that sounds this insane? I don’t think you do. I think I’m meant to take it to my grave. But how many fucking graves will I take it to before I’m off this damn ride? That’s the real question. I have a feeling this is not my first rodeo.

I change my shirt and finish packing, then blow my nose and wash my face. It’s a whole hour before I’m leaving my penthouse, and another ten minutes before I’m standing in front of Kenny’s apartment door. I raise my hand to knock and then lower it again. The hesitation stems from fear. I know that. But what am I scared of? Surely everything is okay right now. So I make myself knock, and not even two seconds later, Ken opens the door with a wide smile. It falls quickly.

“Baby?” Kenneth steps forward and brushes his thumb under my swollen eye. “What’s wrong?”

I clear my throat. “I, um. I’m okay, Ken. Just had a rough day, is all.”

He nods. “I’ll make it better. But you know you can talk to me, right? About anything.”

I try to smile, but my lips just won’t curve up. “I know,” I lie.

“I don’t know if this is the best time for our talk…” Kenneth trails off. “You look like you need to be fed and put to bed.”

“No.” I shake my head quickly. “I need to know what’s going on. I won’t be able to sleep unless you tell me.”

Kenneth takes my hand and leads me into the apartment, then closes the door. I drop my bag next to the couch, and then he’s pulling me into the kitchen and in front of the island. A sense of déjà vu I’ve fought so hard against washes over me, and I feel the tendrils of panic wrapping around my bones.

“I have something for you,” Ken says, and I exhale sharply. He smiles, clearly unaware of my mental breakdown happening right aboutnow. “Here you go.”

There’s a black and flat box he pushes towards me, and I frown. “What is it?”

“Open it.”

My hands tremble as I grab the box, holding my breath while my eyes meet his. He frowns but nods, and then I exhale shakily as I lift the lid. There’s a set of keys in it, identical to the ones I had in a past life. Same keychain. Same engraving.The night you said I love you.

I frown.

“It felt right,” he whispers. “I’m not sure why. But it called to me, and it looked perfect for you.”

“You did good, baby,” I whisper back, tears threatening to escape my eyes. I breathe through it. There’s a toothbrush in the black box right next to the keys. “What are you asking?”

Kenneth smiles softly. “Will you move in with me?”

There’s a knot in my throat I can’t swallow past, no matter how much I try, and I must be taking a long time to reply because he’s starting to look panicked. So I nod, still trying to swallow.

“Yes?” he asks.

“Yes,” I finally reply, and he flies into my arms and peppers my cheeks with kisses. “I love you. I love you so much,” I breathe against his lips, then kiss him like it’s the last time. I’m going to cherish every single kiss from now until I die.

“I love you too,” Kenneth replies, chuckling against my lips, hands tangling in my hair.

I wrap him up in my arms tightly. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to let go. I don’t think I’ll be able to. “I need to make a phone call real quick,” I tell him, and he frowns. “Just work. My boss called earlier.”

“Oh.” Kenneth tries to smile, but it’s clear he’s disappointed that I’m interrupting this moment to call my boss. But I can’t wait. “Okay. Yeah. I’ll wait here.”

I nod and go to the bedroom, leaving the door ajar. My legs carry me across the length of the room over and over, covering the same space without stopping. It’s hard to pull my phone out of my pocket and bring up his contact information, and it’s even harder to dial and wait for him to pick up. What do I even say? What’s going to be my excuse? How am I—