Page 95 of Before I Lost You

“I know how it sounds!” I snap, and when he flinches, I close my eyes and breathe in. “I’m s-sorry, baby. I’m sorry.”

Ken’s bottom lip trembles, and he doesn’t move. Doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t even fucking breathe.

“I can’t go through it again,” I whisper, tears streaming down my face. “I can’t lose you again.”

“I-I need to go,” Ken says. “I need some time.”

“No, wait.” I shake my head. “W-wait please don’t go. Please. No, don’t go.” It sounds pretty close to begging, and Ken’s face scrunches up as if he’s in pain. It feels like someone’s stabbing me in the heart repeatedly.

“I have to.” His breath catches. “I’m sorry.”

Kenneth turns around and starts walking quickly out of the room. I chase him. Of course I do. I always will. “I thought you loved me!” I yell after him, stopping in my tracks to watch him put on his shoes in the living room. It feels like he’s taking something vital with him if he leaves me here. “You said you’d never leave me!”

He sobs, wiping at his tears furiously. “Idolove you.”

I shake my head. “Then don’t go,” I whisper, voice broken. Shredded. Raw. “Don’t leave me, baby. Please.”

Ken’s bottom lip trembles violently, and he takes a deep breath. Then another. And another. I watch his face go through a myriad of emotions, waiting him out. A tear falls down his cheek, and this time he doesn’t wipe it. Instead, he sniffles and looks down at his shoes. And then he turns around, leaving me standing there in the middle of the living room, looking at the door closing quietly behind him. He didn’t even make a sound as he left.

But the way my heart is breaking is louder than a gunshot.

Chapter 37

THE TIMELINE OF MISSING YOU

Icalled reinforcements.

Now, I’m back at my penthouse with Emerson sitting on my couch and me pacing in front of him. He already knows all the details of what we’re assuming is my time travel experience. I’ve even mentioned that I don’t think this is our first round of it. He’s not even a little fazed. He believes me blindly, and I wish Kenneth would too. It makes me wonder if it’s all been in my head—him loving me. Surely he wouldn’t be able to fake it for this long, but if that’s true, then why won’t he fucking consider that I’m telling him the truth? That’s what hurts the most, that he won’t even consider it. He just walked out on me, not even telling me when he’d be back.Ifhe’d be back. Logically, I know it’s his apartment, but does this mean he broke up with me? Not knowing is killing me.

I grip my hair with both hands and tighten my fingers until my scalp stings; the pain grounds me slightly. Barely. I don’t think anything short of him coming back to me will make this better. Emerson is quiet on the couch, watching me carefully. He knows I’m on the verge of a breakdown, but he’s not saying anything.I don’t think he will until it’s absolutely necessary. He’s waiting me out. He wants me to talk, and I haven’t. I’m embarrassed. I don’t even know how to tell him that I confessed everything, and now I look crazy. It’s embarrassing. It’s also heartbreaking.

“What’s going on?” Emerson asks calmly. I guess he’s tired of waiting me out. Can’t say I blame him. I’m not sure I’d actually initiate this conversation otherwise.

“Ken—” I gasp, my chest aching. It feels tight and painful. Like I’m suffocating. “Ken left me.”

Em frowns. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“He asked me to move in with him a few hours ago, and I ended up telling him everything.” His brows dip as he tries to understand what it is I told him. “And he didn’t believe me.”

His eyes widen. “You told him about your past life together?”

“Yes,” I cry, tears streaming down my face. “I was so fucking stupid. He said I needed help, Em. Like I’m fucking crazy—”

“Fuck.Him.”

“And then he left me,” I sob, wiping my tears with my shirt. “I fucked up. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Conrad, no. You said something that, yes, is a little crazy, but he should’ve stuck around to hear the story.” Emerson’s eyes plead with me not to argue. “He never should’ve left you or called you crazy. I kind of hate the asshole right now.”

I shake my head. “I can’t hate him. I mean, imagine someone telling you that you lived a whole six months and you can’t even remember it? I’d freak out too, I think.”

“Yeah, maybe. But you wouldn’t leave him over it. You’d figure it outtogether, Conrad, because you love him.”

My bottom lip wobbles. “Are you saying he doesn’t love me?” I take a deep breath and brace myself for him to confirm my biggest fear.

“I think—”

Ding.