Page 29 of All I Feel

My lips parted, my throat unbearably dry. No matter how many thoughts ran through my head, not a single word came out of me.

Ryan took advantage of my silence. “Most people mightsay that if I wasn’t getting everything I needed out of the relationship, I should’ve ended it. The problem is that the promise of you was just so good. Itisso good. You’re gorgeous, funny, easygoing. Honestly, there isn’t anything about you I don’t like. Love, actually. And I knew that once we got over this hurdle, there’d be nothing stopping us.”

Love? He was still claiming to love me, but his actions showed the opposite.

Ryan took a step toward me, forcing me to become unstuck. I stepped back as he reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze. “I did my best to be understanding of where you were, that you weren’t ready to take that step. I need you to be understanding of this, Tessa. I’m a man, babe. You couldn’t possibly expect me not to have my needs taken care of. If you love and care about me as much as I know you do, you wouldn’t want me to suffer like that.”

How was this the man I’d fallen in love with? He was so casual about standing there, blaming me for his choice to cheat.

The more he spoke, the more I realized this could get worse. Because not only was I quickly learning he had no intention of taking accountability for what he’d done, but the reality of it all was hitting me in the face.

I wasn’t quite sure if I’d purposely avoided considering the possibility of it, or if it hadn’t actually crossed my mind, but now I couldn’t pretend it wasn’t the one thing at the very forefront of my mind. Everything was coming together.

“This wasn’t just a one-time thing, was it?”

He jerked back. It was clear he’d already assumed I believed as much, and with everything he’d shared, there was no way he could go back and pretend otherwise.

“Tessa, I?—”

“You’re such a liar.” I yanked my hand out of his grip. “And you’re nothing but a cheating, spineless coward. How dare you try to blame me for what you chose to do? God, do I regret every choice I ever made when it comes to you. I should’ve known.”

“I love you, Tessa. And it’s good now. We’re good. We finally took things to the next level. It was great.Youwere great. I know we can move past this.”

My eyes rounded as rage bubbled up inside me. “Are you out of your mind?!Not that I believe you’ve given me any viable excuse for what you did, but take a minute to think about all that you just said to me, Ryan. Even if I were a sucker and could allow myself to accept part of the blame for why you cheated, let’s not forget that you were with another woman last weekend, which wasafterI gave you something that was so precious to me.”

Ryan let out a frustrated sigh and ran his fingers through his hair. “I know. I’m sorry. After things changed between us, I swear that was the only time it happened. I haven’t done anything since. I just… It’s a complicated situation.”

Four words.

Four words barreled through my mind, throwing up red flags in every direction I looked.It’s a complicated situation.

Tipping my head to the side, my eyes narrowed on him. “How complicated, Ryan?”

“Tessa, listen?—”

“How. Complicated?”

“I think if you’d just?—”

“Who was it?” I changed tactics. “Was it the same woman every time you had to get your needs fulfilled?”

His shoulders fell. “It was thesame woman.”

How I didn’t stumble backward at that bit of news was a mystery. “How long were you unfaithful? Was there any point throughout the entire eight months that you kept your dick in your pants?”

He pressed his lips together.

When he made no move to speak, I said, “I asked you when it started, Ryan. Tell me when it started.”

“Two months in.”

With that confession, I couldn’t stop myself from reacting. It felt like I’d been socked in the gut. “Two months? That’s all you could manage? You’re telling me you made a fool of me for six months?”

“It wasn’t like that. And honestly, tell me that you can’t understand it. Now that you and I had what we did two weekends ago, you’ve got to understand why it was impossible to just give it up.”

“No, Ryan, I can’t say that I do understand.” I shrugged. “Maybe the experience just wasn’t that memorable or good for me.”

I was lying to him. I remembered it, but I didn’t care. He’d hurt me so badly and didn’t seem the least bit bothered. I needed to do something to make myself feel better. And technically, since I didn’t have anything to compare it to, could I really say that it had been good?