Page 29 of Perfect Chaos

I try to find any weakness in the firewall. I run several different codes. None of them are able to find me a back door into the shell account. I type in another line of code and instead of it prompting what I intended it to, my entire screen goes black. Warning signals flash across the black background before they dissolve to the bottom of the screen, leaving a message behind. The white block letters are impossible to ignore.

Stop Digging while you are ahead!

“No! No! No! No! Fuck!” My screen goes completely black after the message disappears from my screen. I try rebooting my laptop, but it's no use. I toss my destroyed laptop across the room. It hits against the wall breaking to pieces. I here grumbling on the other side of the wall that sounds an awful lot like Atlas telling me to keep it down. The guilt sets in even though there is nothing I can do about it now. The laptop is fried. It’s not often I am beaten at my own game; it’s a sucky feeling for sure. Whoever Vin has on his payroll probably encrypted a virus through the message and completely wiped all the internal coding from my laptop. I guess that's what I get for not using a secure wireless internet connection. This is going to be harder than I thought. I know I covered my tracks. There is no way they tracked it back to me. They may have hacked my laptop, but I don't think they know enough that I am actually at risk. I am practically a ghost online. I keep all of my personal information and accounts on a completely separate laptop so nothing can be traced back to my real identity. I am going to take the threat as a sign that I'm getting close to finding the information that I am looking for. I need to talk to Ramos to give him an update. I also need a new computer.

Checking the time on my phone, realizing hours have already passed, I send Ramos a text saying we needed to talk. It’s six in the morning; I don’t expect him to be up this early and there is no point in trying to get sleep now. I might as well start my day but I'm going to need lots of coffee to survive it.

I quietly make my way to the kitchen. I don’t want to wake the other two up just because I am awake. I go through the motions of preparing a pot of coffee, the movements practically robotic. Fill the pot with water, dump the water into the back of the machine, replace the filter with a new one, fill it halfway with Maizyn’s favorite brand because it's the only kind Atlas will buy, press the start button and wait for the pot to brew. Don’t ask me when I learned her favorite coffee because I couldn’t tell you, it just happened.

Movement behind me catches my attention; I turn around to face Atlas. I guess it’s better than seeing Maizyn after the dumb shit I said last night but I am not dumb enough to think Atlas isn’t going to say something about it. I don’t blame him. I am surprised he didn’t kick me out last night, if I am being honest.

“You look like shit. Did you even sleep?” There is a hint of humor in his voice, but it doesn’t mask the concern twisted with it.

I let out a soft chuckle as I shake my head, “How nice of you to notice, Atlas. No. I didn’t sleep. Did you?”

“I got a few hours but not nearly as much sleep as I would have liked.” The exhaustion bleeds through his words, causing me to feel even worse.

I know his lack of sleep is my fault. I go back and forth in my head about how I want to start this conversation. Nothing I come up with seems like it will have a good outcome. Pretty sure I am the bad guy no matter how this conversation ends. I can’t exactly say, "Sorry, I put my dick down your girl's throat; I didn’t mean to and it won't happen again.” That's not an apology; I also wouldn’t actually mean it. That's the fucked up part about this. I would do it all over again. How bad of a person does that make me? Maybe we can ignore this conversation completely.

“Uh, do you want a cup of coffee?” I ask the question hesitantly, hoping that engaging in a safe topic means we can avoid the elephant in the room.

“Yeah, man. I’ll take one.”

I grab two coffee mugs out of the cabinet and can’t help thinking about my first morning here. All I wanted was a cup of coffee and was treated to an amazing show. Damn it, I should not be thinking about that right now. The coffee maker beeps, indicating that the pot is finally done brewing. I pour coffee into both cups before handing Atlas his.

“Thanks.”

“No problem.” I turn my back to him as I open the fridge to get the coffee creamer. “Want any creamer?”

He lets out a breathy exhale. “You know we need to talk, right? But yeah, I will take some creamer.”

My mouth goes dry and I force out a loud, awkward laugh that I definitely don’t feel. I pour creamer into my coffee before handing it to him. I stir my coffee way longer than I need to, avoiding eye contact with him as I answer. “Yeah… I figured it was coming. I’m- I’m sorry. I know I overstepped; I don’t know what I was thinking. I should have gone back to my room. I swear it won’t happen again.”

“That’s not what this is about.”

“Then what-”

“Answer me this. Were you the one to initiate any of it?”

“Well, no but-”

“But nothing, Gavin. Do you really think I would have a problem with it if I let it happen? I wouldn’t have let you move in and you still wouldn’t be here if Maizyn or I were not okay with everything.”

My mouth goes dry. My chest deflates. I know i’m being irrational but I feel used. “So what, you wanted a threesome and figured I was the easiest person for it?”

“No, it’s more than that.”

“It can’t be more than that.”My voice wobbles in pitch even though I fight to control the tremor.

“Why the hell not? What are you scared of, Gavin? That she will make you feel something real? I hate to break it to you, but that’s already happened. You can try to deny it all you want but you and I both know that she owns your heart just as much as she owns mine.” His eyes widen slightly as he takes a deep breath, most likely trying to calm himself. “Look, stop being so stupid and get your head out of your ass for once in your life. Go after what you want.” His words are calmer this time, more controlled.

My throat clenches when I try to respond. I clear it twice with a cough. “I can't be another problem for her. I'm not good enough or worth the time.” The knot in my throat burns as I fight to keep the tears from falling. It feels like I am trying to swallow rocks while my heart falls to the ground in shattered pieces. He just handed me the one thing I wanted on a silver platter but I can’t take it. Hope is dangerous.

“Do you really believe that?” The words sound dismissive and I know he doesn’t believe me.

“Haven’t you noticed that I don’t have women around? I don’t date. I am not relationship material.” My words come out flat.

“If that’s how you feel, why didn’t you hook up with a random woman either of the nights we went to Elixirs? You could have had a one-night stand either night but didn’t. The first night you watched Maizyn all night and got pissy when she was dancing on top of the table. The second time you let her spit whiskey into your mouth and enjoyed every minute of it. Have you even thought about another woman since meeting her in person the first night?”