Page 30 of Perfect Chaos

I lean against the counter, both hands supporting my weight as I hang my head between my shoulders. He is not wrong but it doesn’t change anything. How could it?

My words come out hollow, “It doesn’t matter, Atlas. What I want doesn’t change anything.”

“What about what she wants, do you care about that?” He raises an eyebrow at me.

“How would this even work? Could she really love us both?”

“I don’t know but we can find out.” He almost sound hopeful.

“And if she doesn’t?”

“That's the wrong question to ask. What if she does? You have to ask yourself if the risk is worth finding out.”

“You once said she was your yellow. What does that even mean?” I do air quotes around the word yellow still not understanding the phrase.

“I’m surprised it took you this long to ask me.” I laugh and shake my head. “ Your yellow is your soul mate. They are someone who sees all of your broken, fucked up pieces and loves you for them. They never judge you and never let you give up.”

I nod my head, trying to wrap my mind around the fact that Atlas just admitted Maizyn was his soulmate. It’s a bit too much for me to unpack right now so I continue with the conversation like the revelation didn’t leave my mind spinning. “That doesn’t scare you? The messiness of it all? All the emotions involved? All the chaos and ways this could go wrong?”

“Her chaos doesn’t scare me. No, that's easy to handle. Fuck. I embrace it at this point. It’s when she is the quietest in the room that terrifies me.”

“What do you mean by that?” Confusion bleeding into my words.

“I hope you never find out.” The words hold no emotion, which confuses me even more.

“I don’t know if I am capable of being what she needs, and the last thing I ever want to do is ruin my friendship with you.” I pause trying to figure out how to voice how I feel, or what to say next. I steal myself standing back up to me Atlas’ Gaze and ask my worst fear. “What if I fuck it all up?”

“First off, you will always be my brother. But if you hurt her on purpose, we will have a problem. You are going to mess up.” He sighs then runs his fingers through his hair in frustration. “I fucked up royally and almost lost her forever because of it. You have to get out of your own way if you really want this. But you can’t keep changing your mind. It’s hurting her in the process.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt her.”

“I know you didn’t. Give me one sec.” It's not a question; Atlas walks out of the room without giving me a chance to respond. Five minutes later, he slides something across the kitchen counter to me.

“What the hell is this?”

“What does it look like?”

“It looks like a mask, but why the hell are you giving it to me?”

“Because it’s yours. Don’t make a decision right this second. Take the day. Actually think about what you want, Gavin.” He watches me silently as I turn the mask over in my hand. He must see the apprehension written all over my face because he continues. “I don’t know your preferences; it’s not something we have ever discussed, never needed to. But I am sure you are smart enough to connect the dots to figure out what it’s for. If you want to be serious about her and figure out what having her in your life can mean, then show up to the wooded area near Clarke Street tonight around seven and wear the mask. If you don’t show up, I will take that as your answer, and this will be the last time we have this conversation. If you don’t show up, none of this ever happened and won’t ever happen again.” He pauses again letting his words land heavily.

My stomach turns at what exactly he means by that. I don’t want them out of my life. But it’s also not easy having her in it.

He speaks again snapping back to our conversation. “If you do decide to show up, then we can have a bit of fun before discussing what this would look like for all of us going forward.”

“So it’s an ultimatum? That’s not a lot of time to think about it.” I snap the question unintentionally. I’ve never done good with ultimatum. I always worry I will choose wrong.

“It has to be. She deserves someone who knows what they want and will always put her first. If you truly can’t be that for her, then she really is better off without you.” His voice sounds somber and it makes this conversation so much worse.

I remain silent, picking the invisible lent from my shirt. I don’t know how to respond and I want to give him the space to say everything on his mind. He rubs his hand down his face avoiding eye contact. “If you can’t decide by then if you want to be with her or not, save us both the trouble and don’t show up. You shouldn’t need me to convince you. If you care about her the same way I do, it wouldn’t be a hard question to answer.”

His words land heavy but I can’t blame him for saying them. Maizyn deserves the world. That's not the problem. The issue is not knowing if I can be what she needs me to be. I pick up the black mask, running my fingers over the yellow LED stitching running across the mouth and eye holes. “Why are you doing this to begin with?”

“Because that girl has gone her entire life wanting to be loved. I love her with my entire soul but still feel like it’s not enough. So who am I to stand in the way if my best friend loves her too? I think you and her both need it. You deserve happiness too, Gavin.” He nods his head before grabbing his keys off the counter. He motions his head towards their room. “If she wakes up looking for me, tell her I will be back in a few.”

He squeezes my shoulder as he walks out of the room, leaving me with the weight of the world on my shoulders. What the fuck am I about to do?

Chapter Seventeen