Page 85 of Just for the Season

I’m going to tell Simon this evening that I think I should leave as soon as he can find someone to replace me.

28

MARCUS

Ruby and I are in the car on the way back from Heathrow and I’m floundering. I want to talk to her. I have so much I want to say. I feel like maybe I need to sort it all out in my head first, so that I say it right, but I also want to take advantage of being trapped in this small space together.

I miss Frankie. I love her so much. I feel like she could help me now.

Except, obviously, this situation maybe – probably – arose because of my relationship with Frankie. So obviously she couldn’t help.

We stop at traffic lights and I turn to look at Ruby’s profile.

And suddenly I decide. I need to treat her less like a little girl and more like a young adult.

‘Ruby,’ I begin.

‘Mmm?’

‘I love you so much. It is very, very dangerous for you to travel abroad by yourself with no money and I’m going to be shuddering for a long time at what might have happened if they’d let you on the plane.’

‘I can take care of myself,’ she says sharply.

‘Of course you can. Up to a point. But the fact of the matter is life is expensive, you have no money, and there are a lot of very bad people out there who exploit girls and young women.’

Ruby says nothing, which I take as an admission that maybe she knows that at least some of what I said is true.

‘Anyway,’ I continue. ‘You know that I love you infinitely and I will do anything in my power to protect you. Unfortunately, a parent can’t always protect their child from absolutely everything life throws at them. But I will always do my absolute best.’

‘I do know that,’ Ruby says in a small voice, and I feel as though it’s one of the nicest things anyone’s ever said to me.

‘Okay. So. I think that something needs to be said. It doesn’t sound very nice, but sometimes the whole cruel to be kind thing is true. I think.’

‘Is this about Mum?’

‘Yep.’ I pause, to allow her to interject if she likes, but she says nothing.

‘Okay, so basically,’ I say, ‘I’ve been trying to pretend this isn’t true because I thought that was the right thing to do. But you’re fourteen now and I think maybe overtly acknowledging the truth would be better for you. Your mother loves you, of course she does.’ I don’t even know whether that’s true. ‘But I do not believe that she loves being a mother. She chose to go back to Germany. She didn’t have to take that job. She had a very good job here. She wanted to leave. And she could visit you and Sam and she chooses not to. And that is not about you, it’s about her. You and Sam are wonderful, amazing, perfect people, and I am the luckiest man in the world to have the privilege of being your father. But I don’t want you to hanker after something that won’t be. Since Sam was born, your mother has actively chosen not to parent you. If I could change that I would, but I can’t.’

‘Have you ever tried to ask her to come and see us?’

‘Yep. A lot, if I’m honest.’ I used to beg, demand, ask very nicely, ask shoutily. I tried everything. It is awful seeing your daughter feel so rejected. I don’t think Sam has ever fully grasped Astrid’s absence, because she left so soon after he was born. I presume he might have issues with it in the future, though.

‘No judgement,’ I continue. That isn’t entirely true if I’m honest, but I have to be as kind as possible about Astrid to Ruby. She is her mother. ‘Maybe she thought she’d be a terrible mother, which of course wasn’t true, but maybe she did think that and maybe that’s why she left.’

‘Or maybe she’s really selfish,’ Ruby says.

I open my mouth to disagree, and then I remember that I’m trying to treat Ruby more as an adult, and I say, ‘Maybe. I don’t know. She might be more interested in seeing you when you’re older. Or she might not. I just don’t know. But I do know that there are so many people who love you. You’re amazing.’

‘Thank you.’

We drive on for a little while in silence, and then Ruby says, ‘I love you, Dad.’

‘I love you too,’ I say. It’s a very good moment.

* * *

The following Saturday, when Ruby and I get home after I pick her up from the café, she says, ‘Dad, can we talk?’