Page 100 of Minha Dona

“Good free.” Helena pressed her lips gently to Caitlin’s collarbone. “Thank you for last night. For watching, and for looking after me afterwards.”

“You never have to thank me for that.”

“Yes, I do. Because after was the hardest part. What Juliana did with me…” Helena trailed off and started giggling. “And you, I’d forgotten that. But what she did to me, I’ve done something like that before, never quite that intense, but something similar. But having you witness me in that state, seeing me more vulnerable than anyone ever has before, and looking after me after. You were perfect.”

Caitlin’s hand moved to Helena’s hair, stroking slowly. “You were perfect. The whole thing. Watching you let go like that… Helena, I don’t have the words for what it was like.”

“We’ll find the words.” She took Caitlin’s hand in hers and kissed it. “After breakfast though. Definitely after breakfast.”

***

They joined the rest for breakfast in the main house, and it was as if the night before hadn’t happened. Mariana was chatting away as she usually did, the others were listening and arguing, and Juliana was at the table drinking juice and looking as unruffled as if last night had just been an ordinary Saturday. She caught Helena’s eye when she walked in and smiled… the smile of a friend, not her lover, not her dominant. Just Juliana.

“Sleep well?” Juliana asked innocently.

“Very well,” Helena replied. “I was exhausted.”

“Good.” The smile deepened by a fraction, but nobody else noticed.

Breakfast was relaxed… Thiago was already talking about the drive back, the others had turned their minds to packing, while Mariana was planning for a night out in São Paulo the following weekend. Caitlin sat next to Mariana, and they talked easily. Helena could see that after the initial coolness they were going to be firm friends.

Caitlin and Helena were in less of a rush, they could head back any time they wanted as Caitlin’s flight wasn’t until Monday night, so while the others were busy packing the two of them walked to the beach.

They found a quiet stretch of sand in the opposite direction to the town, away from the weekend crowds, and sat at the water’s edge, their feet in the surf and the sun on their shoulders. The ocean stretched to the horizon, deep blue and calm, the same view that Helena had seen a thousand times and that now, sitting next to Caitlin, looked entirely new.

“You wouldn’t have believed what you’re wearing a few days ago,” Helena teased, nodding towards Caitlin’s bikini. She’d fully embraced Brazilian beachwear since that first time, and after a few days she had the tan to go with the string bikini.

“I’ll admit you were right,” Caitlin replied, grinning. “It’s liberating. I might not wear it if I go down to Galveston though.”

They watched the waves for a few minutes in silence, before Helena said, “Tell me what it was like. Watching. I want to understand what you saw.”

Caitlin was quiet for a moment, drawing patterns in the wet sand with her finger. “At first it was… overwhelming. Seeing you kneel for her. Seeing you… I mean you, my Dona, the woman who dominates me, sinking to your knees because she told you to. My first reaction was physical. My heart was hammering.”

“Was it jealousy?”

“No. Not even a little.” Caitlin paused, thinking. “Awe I think, maybe. Watching you transform. You literally changed in front of my eyes… your body language, your expression, everything. The Helena I know, the dominant, the Dona… she stepped aside and someone else was there. Someone softer, more open, more… reachable.”

“Reachable?”

“You’re not always reachable, Helena. You know that. You hold yourself at a distance sometimes, even with me. The control, the composure… it’s beautiful and it’s part of who you are but I think it can also keep people out. Last night I watched someone get past all of that. I watched someone take down every barrier you have.”

“Is that what you needed to see?”

“It’s part of it. But the thing that really…” Caitlin stopped drawing in the sand and turned to face Helena. “When she told you to kneel in the corner and watch her and me, and you obeyed, without question… when you looked at me while I… you know, in that moment, Helena, I understood something I’d known intellectually but had never felt.”

“What?”

“The cost that dominance carries, and the weight it removes when someone else carries it for a while. I know we’ve done that a couple of times, where I take charge, but that’s only superficial. I saw what you need, and I understand it now.”

“It was that obvious?”

“Watching your face while you surrendered... the relief, the release. It was the same expression I feel on my own face when I surrender to you, and seeing it on yours…” Caitlin’s voice cracked slightly as she shook her head in wonder. “It made me realise that every time you hold me, you’re doing something that costs you. That being the dominant isn’t just power, it’s sacrifice. You give me the gift of surrender and you pay for it by never getting to surrender yourself.”

“I do surrender. I’ve surrendered before. I’ve surrendered with Juliana. With you, sometimes.”

“Not enough. Not the way you need to.” Caitlin took Helena’s hand. “I know what it costs you now. To be my Dona. To hold me the way you do. Because I saw what it looks like when you let go of all of that.” She hesitated. “I’m not sure I can give you that yet.”

“I’m not asking you to be Juliana.”