Page 94 of The Christmas Highland Lodge

Blake’s mouth flatlined.

The agony and turmoil reared up in Jason’s distinguished features. ‘I didn’t care what I had to do or how much it cost, I had to find you.’ He attempted to steady his voice. ‘Even your gran had no idea where you were either. Not until I found out through the investigator. She was as distraught as I was.’

Blake’s eyes hardened. ‘I don’t believe you. That’s lies. Mum told me when I was older that Gran was embarrassed about the whole situation and refused to have anything to do with any of us.’

Jason looked pained. ‘That isn’t true. Your gran was very understanding about it all. She was desperate to see you too, but your mum kept you away from her as well. It was like she was hurting so much over what I did, she just lashed out at everyone.’

Blake listened, his eyes flashing.

‘I didn’t want to cause all this heartache. That was the last thing I wanted. But if I had stayed married to your mum, we would have ended up destroying one another and I was determined you wouldn’t get caught in the middle of it.’

Jason shot a look back at Rob and carried on. ‘After about a month, the private investigator managed to track you down to an address in Stirling. I remember it was coming up to the Easter bank holiday weekend.’

Jason took a long, low breath. ‘I arrived on the doorstep of Saffron’s new address, armed with a giant Cadbury’s Easter egg and a big, fluffy bunny for you.’ His voice cracked. ‘You should have seen her face when she saw me standing there. She wouldn’t hear me out. After about ten minutes on the step, trying to reason with her, she said she would take the Easter egg and the bunny and give it to you.’

Blake shook his head in a dismissive manner. ‘Never received them. I never got anything from you.’

A look of sad resignation stole over Jason’s features. ‘I thought as much.’ His expression morphed into a pleading one. ‘Blake, you have to believe me. I kept trying to reach out to you. I mailed letters, birthday cards, presents… but your mother returned them all.’

Jason took a gulp of woodland air. ‘She point-blank refused to let me see you too. Then, when you were a little bit older, she insisted you didn’t want anything to do with me.’

Blake stiffened beside me. ‘That’s not true. I never said that. She never told me you came to the house or that you tried to send me anything. Not once.’ He ran a troubled hand through his dark hair. ‘Mum told me you had gone to work in London and that you had cut all ties with both of us.’

Jason closed his eyes for a few seconds. ‘She should never have lied to you like that. I can understand why she was so bitter and angry at me, but she shouldn’t have involved you.’

He clasped and unclasped his hands as he spoke again. ‘I contacted your grandmother. We both agreed that we wanted to give you financial support growing up.’

Jason turned to me and took a breath. “I did think about pursuing Blake’s mother through the courts for access, but I knew how unstable and hurt she was and I didn’t know what she might do.”

He gave a helpless shrug. ‘Saffron worked as a childminder. She enjoyed her job, but it didn’t pay a generous salary, so Blake’s grandmother started a post office account for him and I opened up another account in your gran’s name and with her knowledge to help with Blake’s upbringing.’ Jason’s features were tortured. ‘Even though we were no longer together, there was no way I was shirking my responsibilities as your father.’

Blake’s brows rocketed to his hairline. ‘No… That can’t be right. Mum said all that money was from my grandmother. She said you never contributed financially for me at all.’ Blake swallowed. ‘She said Gran had a huge windfall from my great-aunt Janet’s will and that she wanted to ensure I was ok.’ Blake shot the three of us confused stares. ‘Mum said she had moved that money from my gran into another account for me and that I could access it when I turned sixteen.’

Jason shook his head. ‘No. That isn’t what happened. That monthly amount wasn’t a windfall from your gran. It was from me. For you.’ Jason took a breath, trying to reconcile everything. ‘I had the account closed, once I knew you were financially independent.’

Blake shot me a troubled look as I stood at his side.

‘Yes, your grandmother did receive a payout from Janet’s will, but it wasn’t a huge amount,’ explained Jason. ‘She paid a thousand pounds into the post office account for you, but the monthly allowance was from me. It always was.’

Jason’s appealing amber eyes softened. ‘I was so proud of you. I still am. When I saw how well your career was going, with your TV series and your books, I realised even more what I had missed out on.’ Jason hauled an agitated hand down his face. ‘But that wasn’t my choice, Blake. You have to believe me.’ Jason wrung his hands. ‘Do you think I wanted all of this?’

Blake glowered but didn’t say anything.

‘When I realised I was gay, I knew I had to tell Saffron. It just wouldn’t have been fair on her, on me or on you to carry on limping along in that marriage like we were.’

Jason lowered his head and studied his walking boots for a few seconds. He gathered himself. ‘I knew I couldn’t carry on living the way I was. I loved her, but I realised I wasn’t in love with her.’ He rubbed at his refined face, as though willing all the pain and mess away. ‘I should never have married Saffron. You can imagine what a shock it was for her, when I told her. I felt wretched.’

‘Yes, but not enough to try and stay around for me,’ butted in Blake.

‘That’s where you’re wrong,’ implored Jason, his low timber sounding increasingly desperate. ‘I said to your mother that I wanted to be around for you. I turned up at that address in Stirling repeatedly, but she refused to let me see you. It’s the truth.’ Jason wrung his hands. ‘I wanted to help her raise you. I still wanted to be a part of your life.’

Blake made a dismissive growl.

Jason’s hurt flared. ‘Do you honestly think I would have preferred to have deposited cash in some account for years, rather than spend time with my own son and watch him grow up?’

Blake’s hurt and confusion was evident. ‘That’s crap. You told her you were gay and then you upped and left. You abandoned her. You abandoned me.’

‘No! That isn’t true. Saffron might have told you that, but that wasn’t how it was.’