Page 18 of End Of Never

Layla laughs at her tornado dog doing laps around me in response to the ‘W’ word. “He’s been waiting by the window all morning. He’s conditioned to know when to expect you, and boy, is he always ready. We appreciate you doing this for us, but we just don’t have it in us anymore to keep up with our wild boy.” Leaning down, I hook his leash on him as he pants and wags his tail.

“It’s really no problem, I enjoy it. We’ll be back soon.” With that, Teddy and I head off on our usual path.

I know I’m helping them, and it makes me feel so good, but what they don’t know is that they’re helping me. Teddy and I stroll to my old house. Why I torture myself the way I do is beyond me. The home sits vacant, the grass long and overgrown, as trees encase the once-pristine driveway. The dark blue trim around the windows is chipping and fading with time, and the inside remains dark, just as it’s always been. Walking past, I wonder if there will come a time when my parents will be there, looking for me. Wondering where I went, if I’m alive, and if I am, who I became. As soon as I make it to the end of the estate, I cross the street, leaving the old abandoned house, just as they left me, without looking back.

Crossing the bridge back to Teddy’s house, we stop, overlooking the river that flows endlessly and peacefully. Looking at the water cascading over the small rocks effortlessly, I remember all the times I’ve stood in this very spot, yelling at my parents for leaving, for never showing me love. Yelling at God for bringing me into a world that hated me, parents, classmates, and people who I thought were my friends. It all seemed so consequential when really, it was trivial. At the time, I hated everyone, even Haley. I despised everyone who hurt me, who made me feel weak, and more alone than I already was. I loathed everyone who left me, like it was the easiest thing they’ve ever done, my parents, and Jace.

I envied Haley because she had it all, and sometimes, her kindness felt like charity, and trust me, I’ve had enough of that to last a lifetime. I felt like I was a roadblock to her growth, so when graduation came, I tried to leave for her sake. Until she ran after me, screaming at me in the middle of the road, telling me, ‘People who love each other don’t just leave. Do you not love me, Lilla Elizabeth Lane?!’ Her words were fuming from her breathless, petite body as she raged on the sidewalk. I remember standing there dumbfounded, because I’ve never had anyone fight for me before. And there she was, my best friend, screaming at me for the whole world to see, asking me if I loved her enough to stay. She unknowingly gave me the one thing I’ve always wanted, value. To be loved enough for someone to stay–I was apparently that for her. How could I envy her? Here she stood with her arms wide open, giving me her home to make mine, allowing me to love her family as she does, and letting them love me. She was my home, and has been ever since.

This bridge reminds me of a time when I craved love and attention, when I wished for someone to want me as I needed them. Here I stand, years later, providing for myself without anyone's help. If you’re in my life, it’s because I want you, not because I need you. To need someone makes you vulnerable; now I guard my heart, because I’ll be damned if I let someone break it again; I fear it won’t withstand the wreckage.

Arriving back at Teddy’s house, he’s panting and worn out, ready for a nice cold bowl of water. Letting ourselves in, I unhook his leash, and he zooms into the kitchen like a racecar. Following Teddy, I’ve never been this far inside. I always stop in the entryway, fear of overstepping or interrupting, but I wanted to make sure they knew Teddy was home. I hear John and Layla talking to a guest in the kitchen.

Stepping in, their guest is sitting at the island with his back to me. He looks tall and broad, as his muscles bust at the seams in his tight navy blue t-shirt. He has on some kind of black tactical pants. His baseball cap is backward, with big letters "M.M.F.D," hiding his short, dark-chocolate hair. From behind, this man is very, very sexy. Layla pulls my attention, “Hello, sweetie, want a glass of water?”

After the way this man has my mouth watering, “Yes, ma’am.” She chuckles, pouring me a glass, at my response, their guest turns around.

John rounds the corner of the island, “This is our son, Jace. Jace, this is our vet and dog walker, Lilla.” Instantly, I drop the leash, my heart beats rapidly, and the drool that I had moments ago vanishes into dryness. It can’t be. No. Not him, anyone but him. He stands and walks towards me, and slowly I find myself stepping back. Play it cool, I don’t know him. I can’t let myself remember him. Jace’s gray eyes sparkle as they beam into mine; his five o’clock shadow runs along his tight, square jaw. His eyes grow as he takes me in, looking me over like I’m a ghost, when in reality, I’m nobody.

I clear my throat before quickly bending down to grab the leash. “Nice to meet you.” A quizzical look takes over as he tilts his head to the side. I hold out my hand, like the dummy I am. Eww, what am I doing? I don’t want to touch him. Quickly, I pull my hand away. He watches my motion with a slight smirk.

“Hmm, Nice to meet you, huh?” He crosses his arms, showcasing his tattooed forearms and biceps. I nod, moving my eyes to his parents. Run.

“Mhm, right, well, I have to run, see you next week.” I start backing up, “Nice meeting you, Jace.” Without giving anyone a chance to respond, I high-tailed my ass out of there so fast, you’d think I was going to shit myself. When really, I’d rather do that than see Jace Evans again.

Fuck my life, He’s back like the wrecking ball he is, and in my town.

Chapter 18

Jace

What the fuck was that? After Lilla basically ran out of the kitchen, my parents went on and on about all things Lilla Lane. They tell me she’s the top vet in town, even owns her own clinic. Nice to meet me? My mind spirals as my mother goes on about how kind and generous she is, even walking Teddy for free on Saturdays. She knew me. Pretending to listen to my parents, I sit silently, while I remember every detail about her, from the dimple on her left cheek to the mole on the top of her right boob.

Lilla Lane, the girl of a million mysteries, stood here in my parents' kitchen pretending she had no clue who I was.

“Sweetheart, I said your shift is starting soon at work.” My mom places her hand on my shoulder, snapping me from my memories, the ones I think of often, the ones that frequent my dreams, only in every dream, the outcome is different.

“Oh, yeah, I'd better get going, see you guys tomorrow. I think I found a place, I just need to go look at it.” She smiles; however, it doesn’t meet her eyes. I know it’s not sincere; my mother would want me to move back in for the rest of my life. I give her a big hug and kiss on the cheek before leaving for my shift, entirely out of sorts.

On the drive to work, my mind is replaying the afternoon, the way Lilla looked, grown, strong, and so damn beautiful. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a high ponytail, her gorgeous, marble-blue eyes piercing mine, stealing my attention from anything else in the room. Watching her full lips tighten as I took a step closer, wanting to be in her space, needing to see if she was real. Light freckles danced across her button nose, making me smirk as she took me in, the boy she once knew now a man. As she was a woman, and no longer a girl. Her shirt hugged her curves, displaying her perfectly round breasts and curvy waist, and her leggings, fuck me. The way they hugged her muscular legs, and her round ass, watching her run away was torture on my heart, and my dick. Get it together. Pulling into work, I fight myself to focus, to ensure I can do my job one hundred percent because if I can’t, if I lose another life, another kid, I’ll break, and I can’t afford to fail.

Walking into the fire station has gotten easier since the first day. The day that changed my life forever. I hold that boy with me every day, reminding me how fast a situation can turn, how quickly someone can leave us. The guilt damn near wrecked me, wishing I could have done more, even though I know there was nothing more I could have done. I realized I was chasing shadows, thinking I could play God, and in doing so, I was breaking myself. The crew's support has been astonishing, yet their praise feels wrong, tainted with horror. I’m working on myself, on coping with the impossible, on giving myself grace.

We start the shift with training and drills for the upcoming fire season, and when the fire bell rings, we suit up and get ready for whatever comes our way. Closing my eyes, I breathe, slow and steady as Cody drives to an accident downtown on Main Street. “Hey man, old lady backed into a parked car, if anything, we’re looking at a bump or bruise. The first loss is hard, it stays with you, it’s heavy, but let it drive you, not weigh you down.” This isn’t my first loss, but in eight years, I've only lost two; I count those blessings because I’ve saved hundreds.

Pulling up to the scene, the old lady stands outside her white Toyota, arms crossed. The bump was more of a love tap, but because the gentleman she hit insisted the lady get checked, here we are, and Mrs. Judy is not happy about the precaution. “That man must have moved his car closer.” The gentleman chuckles, telling her his car was still in park. Cody and I held back our laughter at grumpy Jane as she scowls at all of us. The police came by, but neither wanted to file a report, since there was no damage; they decided against it. We sent everyone safely on their way after determining she was, in fact, just fine.

As we round the ambulance, a big sign on the corner catches my attention. ‘Mount Marian Vet Hospital–Come. Sit. Heal.’ A low-hanging sign catches my attention, ‘Dr. Lilla Lane,’ she did it. I’m beginning to see who Lilla Lane became, and now I want to know who she is.

Getting back to the fire station, Hayden comes up to me with a shit-eating grin. “What the fuck did you do?” His grin grows, sending creases around his eyes and lighting up his dark eyes. “Hayhay, the fuck did you do?”

Hayden bends down, hitting his pant leg, and a little golden ball of fur comes running out from under the truck. “Meet Zeus.” I know he can sense my emotions boiling. “Listen, he didn’t have a home; it might be good for you.” The fucking dog we saved, when I lost the boy. The dog tries to wiggle free from Hayden’s arm, as his tail zooms as quickly as his little body can swing it.

“Good for Me? You want me to keep this toy rat?” He shakes his head very slowly and thoughtfully, while handing me the little fluff ball.

He takes a step back, looking at me, “Look, you need a buddy, and the boy wanted the dog; it only seems fair, we save him, like he wanted.” I roll my eyes just as the little shit licks my face. “Aw, see J-Man, he loves you already. Look how lovable you are, even when you're grouchy, picking on this poor thing. Clearly, he can take your mood swings.” I look at the dog and see a little ball of opportunity.

“Fine. But you're on parental duty 50% of the time.” The dog yips and wags his tail, “Look there, Zeus, it's your mommy, awe, how cute.” Hayden drops his head, shaking it, while laughing at his new role.