Page 104 of This is Me

“Over the past month, I have been trying to work up the courage to tell you. To come clean. Because I miss you. And every day felt like hell when I couldn’t talk to you, but I was scared.”

Leroy’s voice cracked with every word, and I could feel his knee shaking against my own. Fighting the alarm bells in my mind, I lifted my arm and pushed through the pain it caused me, placing it on his knee, and I felt him shudder under my touch, just as I had done with his. I didn’t move my hand though, and soon, Leroy stopped shaking, and I found it in myself to give him an encouraging smile.

My heart was thumping loudly in my chest, and my mind was still racing, but I wasn’t going to turn away. It was time I listened. I had been so caught up in my own life and my own problems, that I was too eager to shift the blame to someone else. Someone who I had cared for. Someone who probably didn’t deserve all of the anger I had given him.

“That afternoon at my house was a mistake. And I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I never wanted to. But… Look, I had been staying at Andy’s for a while, and that’s because I’d come out to my dad. He could barely look at me. He yelled and pushed and… that’s why he yelled when he saw us. Why he yelled about the door. He’s the reason there are holes in the walls.”

Leroy paused again, his eyes staring at my hand that rested on his knee. I wanted to say something. Anything. But nothing was coming to my mind. All I could do was gently rub my thumb on his knee. Like a fucking moron.

“He’s all I have, Pete,” Leroy whispered after a few minutes of silence, wiping his eyes again, though keeping his eyes on my hand. “I thought that I could be who he wanted me to be. I tried so hard. I did everything I could to try and get him to see me as his son again. For a while, it worked.”

“Grace?” I asked softly.

“I hate myself every single day that I’m with her because I know it’s wrong. But when I told my dad we were together, it felt like I had a home again—like I had my dad back.

“Then, I almost kissed you, and it put me back to square one. I just wanted to be normal. And I can’t do that if I’m around you.”

As Leroy continued to speak, his words became weaker and more broken as tears flowed from his eyes. Each word carved a larger hole in my chest and sent guilt snaking around my body. Every moment that I looked at him, after every word he said, I began to realise more and more why he looked so drained. So broken.

And I was one of the reasons.

“And I didn’t want to face you after I almost kissed you because I was afraid you would look at me differently and be uncomfortable to be around me. I thought you’d hate me.

“I thought leaving would be the best thing to do. Because I could go back to trying to be normal. Trying to be someone who could go back home.”

There was so much I wanted to say, but I didn’t know where to begin, or even how to find the words. I wanted to apologise for the way I’d acted. Apologise for everything. Leroy had been beating himself up for something that wasn’t his fault. I had been beating him up for something that wasn’t his fault.

Tears started to roll down my cheeks as I followed Leroy’s gaze to my hand.

“Andy knows?” I asked quietly, and Leroy hummed.

“Yeah. He’s been trying to tell me that it wouldn’t matter. That everything would be okay if I just listened and spoke to you, but I couldn’t. Part of me didn’t want to. Because I wanted to keep denying who I am. I don’t want to be who I am.”

Leroy’s voice broke on the last word, and I lifted my head as he lifted his and our eyes locked. Both of us stared at each other through tears, and I finally found some words to say.

“You could have come to me. Out of everyone, you should have known that I would understand.”

“Understand?” Leroy questioned, tilting his head and looking to the ceiling. “I tried to kiss my straight friend and then abandoned him when he apparently needed me. Yeah, you would have understood that.”

My brain did a doubletake at Leroy’s words, and I barely heard the last of what he said as my mind had focused in on one specific point.

“What?” I choked out, pulling my hand away from Leroy’s knee and wiping my eyes.

Once I lowered my hands, I saw that Leroy was no longer looking at the ceiling, but back at me. His bloodied hand trying to get rid of the tears falling from his eyes.

“How… what has Andy told you?” I asked, trying to recollect my thoughts, but having no luck. “What has he tried to tell you?”

“That I should listen…” Leroy started slowly, tilting his head and knotting his eyebrows. “That you wouldn’t care. To look at the social wall—which was a weird one.”

Leroy managed to get out a chuckle, though quickly stopped as he saw my dumbfounded face.

Everything was starting to make sense. Everything I had thought was completely wrong, and I was a dumbass for not listening to Andy myself, just as Leroy had been. If anything, we had one brain cell between the two of us, and neither of us had been using it.

It was about time we laid all of our cards on the table.

“Pete, what—” Leroy started, but I cut him off, ignoring the chaotic thumping of my heart and the thunderous sound of blood pumping in my ears.

“I’m gay.”