Page 66 of This is Me

“What!” Blaire’s arm left my shoulders and, instead, my left one was met with a sharp pain as her fist connected with it.

“Ow! What the hell?”

“You tried to kiss Leroy?” Blaire questioned, and I shot her a questioning look while rubbing my shoulder.

“He told you I did!” I said, though, I was starting to think there had been some miscommunication.

“Uh, no, he didn’t! He said you were doing homework and talking about university!”

All that was going through my head was, ‘fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.’

My breathing began to become laboured, and I felt my body start to shake as panic set in.

If Leroy hadn’t told them we had almost kissed, then maybe Leroy didn’t know I was leaning in to kiss him. Which meant they didn’t know I was gay.

I felt my legs buckle under me as I pushed myself against the front door and slid to the ground, shoving my face into my hands.

“Pete, deep breaths. Deep breaths.”

I felt Blaire’s hand rest on my shoulder again as she tried to soothe me, but I couldn’t catch my breath.

“I. Am. Try. Ing” I managed to get out in between the short, sharp breaths that I struggled to get in.

“Just try to think of good things. Uh, what helped last time you had a panic attack?” Blaire asked, talking quick as she continued to try to calm me down.

I shook my head at Blaire’s question. The thing that helped with my last panic attack was Leroy, but I knew that thinking of him wouldn’t help this time. Considering he was part of the reason I was freaking out.

I tried to focus my mind on anything but the video, Andy, Leroy, the school, and pretty much my whole life as I sat on the cold concrete steps in front of Blaire’s house, feeling her hand continually rub my shoulder.

Maybe this was the Leroy thing that Andy had been talking about. Perhaps they both saw the video and Leroy isn’t okay with it. Maybe he doesn’t want to see me again. What if that was the reason they weren’t coming to school with us this morning?

My body kept shaking as I continued to have a panic attack, and I did all I could to level my breathing. I just had to catch it first.

With my mind still moving at a thousand miles an hour, a million horrible thoughts running through it, I felt Blaire slide down the door beside me, pulling me closer, and I fell into her embrace.

“It’s going to be okay. It’ll be alright,” she whispered into my ear, and I continued to tremble in her arms.

*

“Take as long as you need,” Blaire’s voice broke through the sound of the radio as I sat in my idling car in the school’s carpark.

We had arrived at school almost ten minutes ago, and I hadn’t made a move to get out of the car, or even turn it off. Blaire had been waiting patiently with me but had decided it was time to head into school.

I had asked about Andy and Leroy during the drive, but she admitted she didn’t know much. Whatever had happened between Leroy and I that afternoon, no one else knew. Hell, it seemed as though Leroy didn’t even know about it.

How the fuck could I be so stupid?

I looked over to my left and saw her standing just outside my car holding onto the open door, leaning down to look in at me.

“Just keep trying to breathe,” she said with a smile, and I nodded.

“That is generally how humans survive.”

Lightening the mood was never my strong point, especially when my voice cracked with every word.

“Har-har. I’ll see you in there.”

With that, Blaire closed the door and began walking toward the school, and I watched her until she was out of sight. Soon after, I turned my car off and sat in silence, I noticed a few of the students look over at me on their way up to the school. Some of them even waved, though I didn’t wave back.