Page 119 of For I Have Sinned

“So have you.” I turn the conversation back to him. “I came to this church to work alongside you because of the praise you have received from your peers, and while the past year has been great, you have recently shown your true colors. I’m not the only one under this roof that is committing fornication, Father Keaton.” I lean forward in the seat, my elbows resting on my knees. “You can sit here and lie all you want. You can try to twist your words and make Celine look like the bad guy, but I’m seeing through your bullshit.”

His eyes widen at the curse word as if that is the worst thing that is happening right now.

“Very well, then.” He sinks back into his chair. “If you want the truth, then I will throw your words back at you. It was a moment of weakness with Joanna, and I kept wanting more.” He shrugs. “How does my transgression differ from yours? If our sins are so similar, then how does that make me the bad guy?”

“Because I’m not filling Celine’s head with lies and promises,” I fire back. “We agreed to do what we have been doing because it is what we both wanted. I also don’t make threats to those who try to bring our secret to light.”

He slowly nods as he takes in my words, knowing now that Celine and I have talked about the conversation that they had previously. “I’ll stop my wrongdoing if you stop yours.”

My tongue pokes the inside of my cheek, and I shake my head.

Father Keaton watches me for a moment, inspecting me like I’m some organism under a microscope, and he hums as he has come to a realization. “You love her.”

The things that Celine and I do together, or the feelings I have towards her, are none of his business. But as I go to tell him this, my mouth opening to say the words, he starts speaking again.

“Alexander, you have worked so hard to steer your life onto the right path after your father died.” At the mention of my dad, it gets harder to breathe, like a snake is wrapping itself around my throat. “And one woman comes into this convent and messes that up. Can’t you see that she is bad for you? Can’t you see that she will drag you back into that darkness?”

Anger boils inside me, threatening to seep out from my skin and burn this office to the ground. How dare he think that she isn’t good for me? He only sees the side of her he wants to see: A woman who doesn’t believe in God and who is incapable of change.

“This place is holding me hostage in the darkness. When Celine came here, against her will, might I add, that is when I saw the light. She broke me free from this cage that I didn’t know I had put myself in and showed me the life I want to live.”

“What are you saying?” he asks.

I hesitate for a moment because I wasn’t ready to tell him my plan, but now, I feel like I have no choice. “I’ve decided to leave the church.”

His jaw tenses, and a flicker of anger mixed with a pinch of hurt passes through his eyes. “Because of her?”

“No. Because I want to start living my life outside of these walls again.”

“And this is what you truly want?”

“Yes.”

“Well then,”—he looks up to the ceiling—“I can’t force you to stay if that isn’t what you want.”

He took the news better than expected. As I am about to bargain for Celine to be released, too, Father Keaton beats me to it and begins talking.

“That being the case, I would like you to consider participating in the event, Sister Alice, and I have planned.”

“Fine.” If this is the last thing he asks me to do, then I’ll do it.

And after this event, I’ll figure out a way to get Celine out of here with me.

Chapter 38

Celine

I’ve been spending all my free time in the library. It’s the perfect hiding spot because everyone is so scared of Sister Greta that they won’t set foot in here. I’ve been wanting to steer clear of Joanna, and I haven’t wanted to see Father Keaton since that night he caught us in Alex’s room.

Sister Greta surprisingly hasn’t minded the company. If I’m being honest, I think a tiny piece of her hard exterior has chipped away because, I swear, she almost smiled when I made a joke earlier. It was faint. Like, super faint, but I caught it.

When I got here after my lesson, I tidied up her office a bit before putting all my focus and energy into the main room. I’ve been in here for a few hours, taking breaks to stand by the open window and breathe in the fresh air. Yes, Sister Greta finally let me open a window for once. That small allowance is another reason why I think she is starting to tolerate me.

I stare out the window, watching people pass by the convent as they go about their lives and begin to feel a desperate need for social interaction beyond this place. I’ve called Amelia and Vince a few more times, but out of fear of being caught—not by Alex, but by Father Keaton—I’ve kept the phone calls to a minimum.

Shutting my eyes, I inhale deeply and pretend that I’m not in the convent library. Instead, I imagine I am in my apartment, overlooking the park across the street.

In my head, I can hear the chatter of people out there, and I like to imagine they are visitors at the park. I miss hearing the daily commotion outside my window.