Page 45 of A Beast Captured My Heart

She rolled her eyes and entered my room, closing the door behind her. She made her way into my bed as I sat up and crossed my legs to make room for her to get comfortable.

“You not about to shut down over no nigga, Kay Kay, and I mean that shit. Get yo ass up, shower, and call him so y’all can get a better understanding to some shit. Don’t even give me that look! I don’t know what’s going on between you and Beast, but whatever it is ain’t good.”

Rolling my eyes at her, I laid back down. Lay knew everything about Beast and warned me along the way to take shit slow. Doing the opposite of what I always preached, especially to her when her and Stone first start talking, I fell face first for Beast. I kept lying to myself thinking we both were moving at a snail pace when that was a lie. We were moving way too fast and while I thought I knew him, it seemed like I constantly started discovering more and more things about who he was in the real nature of his mental disabilities.

“I’m going to go back to Cali for a while. See if Brian will let me take a week or two off.”

I looked at nothing in particular. Licking my dry lips, I had an urge to find my phone and see if Beast got Mattea off to school properly. I wondered if he had fed her some bullshit like ice cream to stop her little demanding ass from complaining. Mattea was a daddy’s girl and got whatever it was she asked for. Most of the time it wasn’t good for her. Here I was, worrying about this man when he did some foul shit that he should have been apologizing for. I also understood that nothing was normal about Beast, at the same time, I felt like he still had to respect me and my personal endeavors like getting my own place.

“You are not about to take advantage of Brian like that, you know damn well he will tell yo ass yes and take off with no problem. That’s not how the real-world works, though, Kayori. You just can’t hop up and leave when shit becomes too much for you. You don’t need to be out there in Cali by yourself, especially in that house. You’re going to suck it up, take off today, and go to work tomorrow. You need to follow through with the Airbnb thing with that house and-”

She stopped talking as I desperately got out the bed and ran into the bathroom to throw up. Getting on my knees lifting the toilet seat up, I hugged the toilet for what felt like eternity and threw up until it was nothing but nasty bile from the lining of my stomach. Sitting up, I saw nothing but stars, feeling dizzy I wanted to pass out. Remaining on the floor for a little while to power up some, I looked up and saw Meshalay standing there with a wide grin on her face.

“Your ass is pregnant, Kayori! Oh, my fucking gosh, bitch!” Her eyes got misty as she got real dramatic fanning her face and wiping her tears.

“My best fucking friend is pregnant!”

“SHHHHHHH! The last fucking thing I need is for Stone to hear you and get Beast’s ass on one again! The nigga already threatened to kill me if I even thought once about killing his seed.”

After the pregnancy test that Beast got me came back negative, I was positive that I wasn’t pregnant. Then a couple of days later, I start feeling weird again like something was wrong with me. My nipples were sore, I was using the bathroom more than usual and I felt sick all the time. I tried not to think about possibly carrying a child, so I pushed it to the back of my mind. I kept reassuring myself that I couldn’t possibly be pregnant since the expensive ass test Beast had bought was negative.

“The door is closed, plus I heard Stone saying after Beast got done handling business this morning, he was coming to visit with Stone. I can take you to the doctor and we can have a girl’s day out afterwards,” she said excitedly, helping me stand to my feet it felt like my stomach dropped again. I really did not want to be pregnant; I was scared of being a parent. I also felt like it was hell of irresponsible on me and Beast’s behalf. We hadn’t even been together that long, and a baby was something serious. Considering it all was overwhelming. Grabbing up the tooth paste and toothbrush, I turned on the water while examining my face. It was something I did all the time. Sometimes I looked at myself and thought I was pretty, other times I saw the scars and thought how ugly they appeared to be. If Meshalay wasn’t standing here I would have used my hand to cover the right side of my face, so I could look at my flawless side with no scars.

I was working hard on accepting all of me, it just wasn’t going to happen overnight. I washed my face and made my way back to my bed while Lay went to the kitchen to get me some water and saltine crackers. I didn’t plan on leaving out my room until it was time for me to get dressed and ready to go to the doctor. I silently said a prayer to God, he made no mistakes. My mom used to tell me that all the time, so I lived by it. If a baby is what he sent me, then I would just have to adjust my life and prepare to be a mommy.

Chapter Twenty-Two

PRAISE

After having a long ass morning with Mattea, I finally was able to catch up on all my business. I had a rough ass night and regretted every moment of it. I lost control. As much as I wanted to blame all of it on Beast, I couldn’t. How he felt was how I was starting to feel, and the shit was starting to become a huge burden on me. I wanted everything to go back to how shit used to be, less complicated. I was so stressed out, mind full of thoughts, I felt like I was going crazier than I already was. Conflicted wasn’t even the word to describe how I was feeling.

I’d have thoughts of Nia, like what I would do when I finally came face to face with her. She was the first woman who I knew for a fact I fell for. The shit high key made me sick to my stomach thinking on how hard she played me. Although Gunna went out like a straight pussy, I couldn’t lie and hide the fact that it hurt me a lil. After coming back to the forefront, I felt bad as fuck for how I acted with Kayori. I had deep ass feelings for her, that had me shook too. Beast was obsessed with her, while I adored the fuck out of her. Beast and I moved as one when we took that deposit money back for her apartment.

I wasn’t thinking about how she felt, the selfish side of me wanted her all to myself. It was twisted how I felt about her. While I was starting to get deep feelings for Kayori, thoughts of Nia kept fucking me up. I once saw Nia as never betraying or hurting me, I didn’t even think she was even capable to walk away from a nigga. She tried and did that shit, but she faked it all and end up betraying me. That video Laquanna sent me of all of them fucking showed who the real Nia was, I didn’t want to believe it. The dark part of me believed it though, and that’s what I felt was starting to fuck me up with Kayori.

I wanted to trust her, something in me told me that I could. People changed without you knowing or seeing it though. I wished I could call my mom up right now, I opted out of that. All she ever did was trigger me instead of helping me. I needed fucking help. Every time I got to the point of sanity like now, I felt it in my soul how much help I truly needed. When I would lose control and turn into Beast, I felt that I didn’t need any help. Nia triggered me bad, Beast was almost a distant thing buried inside of me. I lost control once I thought she died, and I hated myself for allowing her to make me lose control of myself again. Sure, I battled with the voices even with Nia, but I still never lost control. Now I was struggling hard to get that control I once had before all this shit got out of control.

Kayori is who helped me without even knowing it. When I said she was my medicine, I really meant that shit. Just being near her gave me a calm and a peace I craved to have like normal people. I was cool letting Beast be in control, it gave me a break from caring too much. Beast was deeply in love with Kayori, and she had deep feelings for Beast. So, my worries were gone the past couple of days. I knew he wouldn’t fuck it up, up until last night. Beast was calm, before she kept picking and picking. Soon as she charged me, I fought like hell with Beast to take back over.

Instead, I felt trapped, feeling stuck in a fucked-up dream that I couldn’t snap out of. The scariest part about it all was Beast thoughts and the other voices chanting to kill her soon as her hands made contact with me. That’s when I fought harder with all of my might, I kept trying different methods of thinking. Even Beast was bothered by the harmful thoughts he couldn’t control. While Kayori was our medicine, I learned last night that she could also be a trigger. Beast pride was so strong an apology was rare. I was willing to give her that, if I could go without revealing that side of me I would, right now it felt impossible.

Taking those pills last night and passing out allowed me to take back over. I vowed to try to stay more in control since my daughter was now living with me. I knew I needed to be more stable. Instead of taking three pills this morning I took one, to prevent drowsiness but to be able to control my thoughts a little better. It was easy for me to stay angry and on edge, but hard as fuck for me to stay at peace and happy with myself and who I had around me at times.

Pulling up to Stone house, I sighed and hoped Kayori was here. I owed her an apology and I desperately needed to hold her in my arms. Kayori was just as delicate as me. She wasn’t mental but she had a lot of things to her that I needed to start helping her with. We needed to help each other and lately she had been only focused on helping just me. The more and more I thought about my actions and my controlling ways, I felt bad as fuck. I should had just let her move in her own space. Instead, I panicked when she mentioned moving. I wanted Kayori to grow confident and see the beautiful woman she was for herself. I wanted her to see why I was so damn attracted to her. Why I craved her and wanted to keep her with me every second of the day. I just didn’t know how the fuck to express myself.

The sick part of me wanted Kayori under me, I wanted her in my space forever. I felt like if she was there with me and living with me, then my trust issues would be better. I knew that was far from the truth. My trust was ruined, shit was tainted bad, and I had no clue on how to fix it. Maybe just maybe I needed to let her go. I would lowkey rather let her be, than fuck her up more than what she already was. Keeping it real with myself, I knew that if I really were to let her go, it would cause a trigger. A trigger that I wasn’t so sure that I could handle.

Making my way to the front door, I mumbled low to myself, “Stay in control, nigga.”

The door opened up, Meshalay stood with her arms folded over her chest. She looked at me long and hard. I had to bite my bottom lip to keep from laughing in her pretty face that was twisted all up. This chick was trying to intimidate me.

“I ain’t tryna get in you and Kay’s business but-”

“Don’t. She ain’t your concern,” I told her flatly. I loved my nigga Stone, so I would respect his woman. If she were anybody else, I would have checked her.

“Beast? Praise? Whoever the fuck you are today, listen to me. Kayori is every bit of my concern, and I was here before your ass.”

“What if I was the devil today? Would you be so bold?” I cocked my head to the side and chuckled, Her eyes grew wide as she swallowed down. “Look Meshalay, I’m here to see Stone, but first I want to see my girl. Stay in a woman’s place, don’t ever try to step to me again.”