Page 113 of Anthem of Love and Loathing

“She wants you. She doesn’t want me. I’ve done too much damage. Hurt her too much. I’m trusting you with the most important person in my life,” he tells Kodiak.

The most important... how can he say that when it’s too late?

I shut my eyes. I don’t need to see his face to hear the remorse in his voice. It’s not enough to undo the damage between us.

“I’ll take good care of her,” Kodiak says. “I’ll watch her all night.”

“You’ll watch her for as many nights as she needs you. Until she forgives me for all the ways I’ve hurt her.” Riot sits beside me. He strokes my hair. “I promise you, Kelsey. I might never deserve it, but I am not going to give up on earning your forgiveness. I’ll do whatever it takes to see you whole and happy again. Even if that has to be without me.”

I’d convinced myself that my heart was too shattered to break any more. I was wrong. The tears come again. So many of them.

The bed shifts as he gets up. “Look after her like she’s your entire fucking world.”

“I will.” The bed shifts again as Kodiak’s weight presses into the mattress.

Riot lingers. I count my breaths between the end of their conversation and when the door closes behind him.

Kodiak moves onto his side, wraps both arms around me and pulls me to his chest. The entire length of his body cradles mine. “I’m right here. I’ve got you. I’m not going to let you go. You’re safe with me. Go ahead and let it all out.”

And I do.

I cry the tears I didn’t cry when Riot broke my heart. Like I should have when our baby died. I sob over losing my best friend. And I cry for myself. How am I supposed to recover from here?

Is that even possible?

39

Kelsey

Dr. Applegate’s office is airy and light. Her white shelves are full of psychology books and photos of her five poodles. She leans forward, filling the screen of my phone with her kind eyes and nude lipstick. “How are you doing today, Kelsey?”

“We’re in Calgary. It’s cold as balls.” I cross my legs under me on the edge of the stage while Kodiak takes off his woolen beanie and puts it on me, tugging it down to cover my ears. It’s warm from being on his head and smells like him.

He brushes his lips against my forehead. “I’ll give you a few minutes.”

“Thank you.” It’s still hard to smile, my emotions are brittle, but I try for him. He deserves it when he’s been by my side every moment day and night since Riot handed me into his care almost a week ago. He’s the best friend a girl could ask for.

“You need me, come get me.” He leaves to join Coffey and the guys on the other side of the stage where they are running through some last-minute changes to the show for tonight.

“I’m okay,” I tell Dr. Applegate. “Not great, but better. Every day is a little easier than the one before.”

Our daily sessions are helping. I no longer want to give up. But I’m a long way from the woman I once was.

“And the meds that we have you on?” she asks. “Any side effects?”

I’d ended up taking the morning after pill. It seemed like the right thing to do considering the meds they put me on and how volatile my life is currently. As much as I want to be a mother one day, a baby with the man I may never be able to forgive while I’m hiding from Marco and trying to get my feet under me... it’s probably not a good idea. Birth control was my next move. Just in case. “Not that I’ve noticed.”

“That’s good.”

Riot is standing next to Kodiak, his arms crossed. He nods at something Coffey is explaining. His gaze finds mine, concerned and apologetic. It lingers so long my heart hurts. He’s been different with me the last week. Quieter. Watchful. Sweet.

He’s trying. He’s taken a bunk with the guys and given me the bedroom. And when I woke up this morning, my journal and memento box were on the nightstand. Everything but my vibrator. All my personal things, including the letters he accused me of keeping to sell, were intact.

His phone rings and he pulls it out of his pocket to look at the screen before ignoring the call. It’s Sonatina. I’ve seen her name come up on his screen a few times since their video went viral. He never answers her.

He’s doing it for me. Why else would he ignore his manager?

But I meant what I said. He can’t fix what he broke. It’s too late.