Page 52 of Capturing the Captain

Olivia goes straight to the couch and the sight of her there is so familiar. It feels good to have her back in here again. It’s hard to think about the last time she sat on this couch, tears streaming down her pale cheeks, telling me she didn't want to be with me anymore. It’s an unsettling reminder that she’s here to talk about something and suddenly the nerves rush back.

“Can I get you anything to drink? Have you had dinner?”

“I’m good.” Is all she says in response so I make my way across the room and join her on the couch. Olivia won’t stop fidgeting with her hands, a sign that she’s as nervous as I am. Her breathing quickens as she gathers the courage to speak. “I’m sorry.” She stutters out, apologizing for no reason.

“It’s okay.” I tell her, attempting to take her hand in mine and surprisingly, she lets me. The second our hands meet, it’s like an electric current rushes through my veins. It’s powerful and overwhelming and I know she feels it too with the small gasp she lets out.

“I was gonna come in with a whole big speech and explanation but I think I should just tell you now, you know, rip the band-aid off.” She breathes out a heavy sigh and I watch her, expectantly. Her hands quake in my grasp and I wait with bated breath for what she’s about to say. “Fuck okay.” She shakes her head a little, attempting the clear her racing thoughts. “Josh” She looks deep into my eyes, worry lines creasing her face. “I’m pregnant.”

33

Olivia

You know in that episode of friends when Rachel tells Ross that she's pregnant and all he can do is stare at her for what feels like forever? I feel like I’m living that episode right now. Josh doesn’t move, he doesn’t blink, doesn’t speak. I don't even think he breathes. A real sense of deja vu washes over me from the first time he came to my apartment. Maybe this time I will actually have killed him with my admission.

“Josh?” His grip on my hands has loosened so I poke him in the arm. “Josh.” I wave my hand in front of his face and get no reaction at all.

His intoxicating green eyes are wide. So wide it looks like they could easily pop out of the sockets. I wonder if I should keep talking. Would he even be able to hear me? The ultrasound picture of our baby is in my bag but as I stand to get it, Josh’s hands grab mine, seemingly out of his trance.

“What?” He asks in a whisper.

“I’m pregnant.” I tell him again and his eyes well with tears. Shit. This is the opposite of what I was hoping for. I wanted him to be happy. To be excited once the shock wore off. Not cry because he’s so sad about this news.

“And it’s mine?” There’s no accusation in his tone, just hope.

“Yes, Josh. The baby is yours.” I rest a hand over the tiny bump that I thought was just major bloating and he looks down at it, his fingers twitching.

“Here,” I say, reaching over to my bag and pulling out the first photo of our baby. I hand it over to Josh and as he looks at the tiny baby, tears slide down his cheeks. “I’m already sixteen weeks along. I only found out this morning.”

“And everything is okay?”

“Yeah, baby. Everything is good.” I freeze as the realization of what I’ve called him comes to me. It just seemed so easy to fall back into what we had before. “Sorry, I-”

“I miss you, Ol.” Josh says quickly, his eyes flicking between me and the photo of our baby still clutched in his hand.

I’m suddenly overcome with so much guilt once again. Why the hell did I not just tell him what happened with Ryan at the start? We would have worked it out. We never would have ended things. I would be living here with the man that I love. Sleeping in his arms every night instead of wanting to pinch Sasha’s nose to make her stop snoring. I need to tell him the truth. Whatever happens, I know we can get through it together.

“Josh?”

“Yeah?” His eyes are swirling with emotion and the words get stuck in my throat. I have to clear it a few times before I can get any sounds out.

“I need to tell you the truth. The real reason why I ended things.”

When I finish explaining everything, Josh looks angry. His face is red, his hands are clenched into fists and his jaw is so tight it looks like it’ll snap. “I should have knocked the fucker out when I had the chance.” He sighs, running his hands through his chocolate brown hair. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He’s seething with fury but it’s not directed at me. I’ve never seen Josh this angry before. Sure I’ve seen him get into fights on the ice but they are nothing compared to the anger oozing out of him now.

“Because I thought if I told you, you would have done everything you can to make sure we would be okay. I know Ryan, what he’s capable of and I couldn’t risk your career like that.” I wipe underneath my eyes with the damp tissue I’ve been holding since I began telling Josh the truth. “I didn't want to be the reason for you losing everything.”

“I love hockey. I always have and I always will but Ollie, I love you more. If I had to choose between living a life with you and living a life playing hockey, I would choose you every time.” He holds my hands in his again, the warm, familiar feeling grounding me.

“Do you still love me after everything I’ve put you through?” I ask, my voice full of hope.

“Are you kidding? Of course I still love you.” He pulls me to him and my arms instinctively wrap around his waist, as I bury my head against his hard chest.

“God, I’ve missed you so much Josh.” I’m a sobbing mess now, relief hitting me harder than anything else. I’ve seen how hard this has all been for Josh, how it’s affected him and after everything, he still loves me.

“I never once thought the reasons for you ending it were what you said. I always felt like there was something else going on. And the smug look on Ryan’s face everytime I saw him,” He pauses, a hand running up and down my back in soothing strokes, “Fuck, I should have known he had something to do with it.”

“I’m so sorry I didn't tell you.”