Page 55 of One to Watch

BEA’S BROTHER TIM

I’ve never trusted a Frenchman in my life, and I’m not about to start.

VOICEOVER

And we’ll find out the real reason Asher wouldn’t kiss Bea on their last date—the answer will shock you.

INSERT FOOTAGE: BEA AND ASHER IN HER FAMILY’S BACKYARD

ASHER

Bea, I need to tell you, about that night …

INSERT FOOTAGE: BEA’S SISTER-IN-LAW TINA GASPS DRAMATICALLY.

VOICEOVER

Don’t miss a moment of the Main Squeeze family feud, this Monday at eight, only on ABS.

TRANSCRIPT OF BOOB TUBE PODCAST

EPISODE #052

Cat:Hey, this is Cat!

Ruby:And this is Ruby.

Cat:And this is Boob Tube. This week, we have a really exciting episode—we’re doing a deep dive into the feminine archetypes on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and deciding which modern characters best carry those torches.

Ruby:I’m still waiting for another Willow.

Cat:So say we all. But before we get into that, we need to return to the land of reality TV, because one of us is having a lot of feelings and opinions about this week’s episode of Main Squeeze.

Ruby:Someone needs to speak the truth about how Asher is the WORST.

Cat:You’re wrong—he’s so smart and cute with his big glasses!

Ruby:He’s every Brooklyn intellectual fuckboy who holds women to impossible standards but considers it beneath him to pick up the phone and schedule a second date.

Cat:Noooo, Asher is legit!

Ruby:Then why didn’t he kiss Bea at the museum?

Cat:He’s old-fashioned! He’s a gentleman who wants to know it’s real before he lets things get physical.

Ruby:That interpretation is generous bordering on delusional—I think he has a secret girlfriend.

Cat:What?! Asher would never.

Ruby:He’s definitely hiding something—and, if I may be so bold, your defense of him is obviously grounded in the fact that you personally want to bone him.

Cat:How DARE you.

Ruby:Am I wrong?

Cat:No, of course not. Okay, since I’m clearly biased, who’s your pick for Bea?

Ruby:TEAM SAM, BITCHES!