Page 57 of Crossed Lines

Once I’ve given Jade everything she needs, I lean back against the counter and watch. She pours the oil and has me check her measurement. She cracks the eggs and only manages to get a tiny piece of shell into the mix. She doesn’t have me help stir, even when I know her arm is getting tired. Then she scoops the mixture into the cupcake pan. Some of the batter falls to the floor, but I’m not worried about it. We’ll clean up later.

She fills the pan up. I think each cup is supposed to have about the same amount of batter in it, but she doesn’t do it that way, and I don’t stop her. It looks like we may end up with some very large cupcakes and some very small ones.

I put the pan in the oven and set the timer while Jade runs to play with the pile of dolls she left in the living room this morning. After I clean up her kitchen mess, I take a minute to go throw some laundry in. When I get to my basket, I see the clothes I let Willow wear last night sitting on top. They were way too big for her, but she made them look good. For a split second, I think about not washing them and putting them in my drawer as a reminder of one of the best nights of my life. But I shake the thought away quickly. All that would do is allow me to hang on to something that I shouldn’t.

I pick up the basket and take it to the laundry room, quickly throwing in my clothes before I can change my mind.

It’s insane how this can be the best and worst summer of my life all at the same time. I love having Willow here. I love getting to know this new version of her. I love watching her with Jade, and I love the relationship they’ve built. But I hate wanting something I can’t have. It makes me feel like I’m walking around with a weight on my shoulders. Like I’m guilty of something even though before last night, I hadn’t technically done anything wrong. I’m at war with myself, and it feels like my world is crumbling around me.

The timer on the oven beeps, pulling me out of my downward spiral.

I pull the cupcakes out, and Jade gasps. At first I think she’s going to be upset because these look like a bit of a mess. But she feels the exact opposite. “They’re perfect.”

I chuckle at her excitement. “I’m glad you’re satisfied with them. Ok, the box says they have to cool completely before we decorate them.”

“Ok, can we set up the slip and slide?” she asks.

I resist the urge to roll my eyes. I hate that damn thing, but Jade loves it. Harper thought it would be fun to get it for Jade for her last birthday. It was a hit for her, but unfortunately she makes me do it with her and the uneven ground is very uncomfortable when you throw yourself down the plastic slide. I’ve ended slip-and-slide days with bruises all across my torso.

But again, I can’t say no to my daughter. “Sure. Go get your bathing suit on.”

She squeals and runs off while I head to the garage to find the damn slip-and-slide.

The sun in late July is no joke, so after the initial shock of the cold water from the hose, it starts to feel good. Jade flings herself down the slide over and over again before she eventually forces me to do it too. I send Willow a video of Jade, and she responds with a string of heart emojis.

Eventually the heat starts to get the better of us, and we clean up before heading back to the cupcake station.

“They’re cool!” Jade exclaims after she stuck her entire finger inside one of the cupcakes.

“Why did you do that? Now there’s a hole in the middle!”

She shrugs. “I don’t know. Guess it’s mine now.”

“Yeah, no one else wants to eat a cupcake that you shoved your finger in, silly.”

She laughs but certainly isn’t bothered.

I don’t have one of those fancy frosting tools, so we keep it simple with a butter knife. I attempt to make mine look nice, but Jade’s look like she just plopped some frosting right on top. I question her about it, but she said that’s how she wants them, so I let it be.

“How should we decorate them?” I ask her once they’re all frosted.

“Sprinkles! Lots and lots of sprinkles.” Yeah, I knew that would be coming. “And you should do a heart with the red frosting and then give it to Willow!”

“You think Willow wants a heart cupcake from me?” I ask. Truly, I’m excited by the prospect that Jade is ok with me potentially having a woman in my life. I’ve always been worried that she wouldn’t want to share my attention. Too bad for us that the woman we both like is leaving.

“I think Willow would love a heart cupcake from you, Daddy,” she says.

I don’t know if I agree, especially with how I’ve been playing with both of our feelings recently, but that doesn’t stop me from squeezing a heart shape onto one of my cupcakes and hoping that Willow likes it.

CHAPTER 21

Willow

It’s my last week in Blue Haven. Only five more days until I head back to school for two weeks and then fly off to Italy for the semester.

Macy has been sending me video after video of things she wants to do while we’re there. I’m starting to worry that she’s forgetting we actually have to do schoolwork while we’re there.

I’m getting really excited, too, but there’s also a pit in the bottom of my stomach. Not only because I still have to tell Sawyer I’m going to Italy, but because I’m sad to leave Beck and Jade. I know it was always the plan to leave, but it doesn’t make saying goodbye any easier. Especially since I don’t know when I’m going to see them again.