Page 68 of Crossed Lines

Love,

Willow

Did I lock in a little too much on the word ‘love?’ Yeah, I did. Was she saying it because that’s how she ends letters to friends, or did she say it because…?

I guess I’ll never know. All I know is how I feel. And love? It doesn’t feel strong enough for what I’ve been feeling over the last few weeks. I’m sad. I’m lonely. Sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe when I get home and no one’s there. I look at my phone way too often, hoping for a text or anything from Willow, but it hardly ever comes. All I’ve gotten so far was a text letting me know she made it to Italy and then a picture of her hand holding a cup of gelato that she wanted me to show Jade.

Other than that, there’s been nothing. Silence. And that feels like the hardest part. I miss talking to her. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. Or a partner. Which is ridiculous. I didn’t even feel this way when Gemma and I ended things, and we were together for years and share a child.

But Willow comes home for two and a half months, flips my world upside down, and then leaves, and I feel like a lovesick puppy. It doesn’t make sense and yet… here I am. Moping around the stables, going through the movements, trying to keep my life together for my daughter and me.

“Beck!” I hear Brooks’s voice echo through the stables.

I pop my head up in the stall I’m in. “Yeah.”

Brooks sees me and walks over. “Hey. Did Harper tell you about the little get-together this weekend?”

“Ah, yeah.” I scratch the back of my head. Harper did tell me about the engagement party she’s throwing Brooks and Aspen this weekend. I’ve pushed it out of my mind because the thought of being around two people so in love and happy makes me feel even more miserable. “Sorry, I forgot to RSVP. But you know I’ll be there.”

I’d never miss an event for my friends. Even if it hurts to go. “That’s what I told Harper, but she wanted me to get an actual answer from you and see if you’ll be bringing a plus one.”

“No,” I say quickly. “Just me.”

He nods, slowly. “You doing ok? Haven’t seen much of you the last few weeks.”

“Yeah, I’m good. Just got a lot going on,” I lie.

“I know Willow’s gone.”

“Yep,” I say, focusing back on my work.

“If you need to talk⁠—”

“I don’t,” I snap. “I appreciate you checking on me. I do. But I just can’t talk about it. Not yet.”

He nods and looks at me with pity in his eyes. The absolute last thing I want. But I know Brooks means well, so I try to reel in my anger. It’s not his fault I fell for the one woman I can’t have.

“I get it, Beck. If anyone understands what you’re going through, it’s me.”

I look over at him. “Aspen stayed, Brooks. Willow didn’t.”

I know Brooks understands wanting someone you can’t have. He’s engaged to his son’s ex-girlfriend after all. But Aspen stayed in Blue Haven. They’re building a life together. Willow is gone. And, of course, I want her to live her dreams. I know how excited she was to study abroad. And she’s going to be an amazing teacher one day. But it still kills me that she left. The uncertainty of not knowing if she’ll actually come back is what hurts the worst.

Different scenarios run through my head. What if she meets someone in Italy? What if she decides that Blue Haven isn’t where she wants to be? What if she realizes that I have too much baggage? I know she loves Jade, but it’s a big responsibility to step into a child’s life. Maybe she’s not ready for that. I wouldn’t blame her at all.

“You’re right,” Brooks says, pulling me out of my spiraling thoughts. “I’m sorry, Beck. Just know that I’m here if you need to talk about it.”

I exhale in an attempt to calm myself down. “I know. I appreciate it. I’m just not ready.”

He nods. “Listen, you don’t have to come to the party.”

“Nah, it’ll be good to get out of my house, and I want to be there for you and Aspen.”

“Well, if you change your mind, just know I won’t be mad. Harper might, but I won’t,” he says with a laugh.

“Yeah, I should probably text her back.” She’s texted me several times this week, but every time I saw it wasn’t Willow’s name on my phone, I ignored it.

“Yeah, probably,” Brooks agrees. “Or she’ll find you, and that’ll be worse.”