Page 64 of Chasing Honor

“Because I see it in all the little things she does. I see how she searches you out. How she watches Carson. I see how she’s always got her finger on the pulse of her family. The girl is as see-through as they come.”

“Appreciate you taking the time to come down here. I’ll think about what you said.”

“Ethan—”

“Dad. I’ll think about it. Thank you for always having my back, but I have to work this out for myself. I need to think.”

“Fair enough.” My dad clapped me on the shoulder and made his way to his truck.

I had thirty minutes to think about what my dad and Lorenz had said before I had to face my mom. On the drive over, I’d tried to devise a plan where my dad brought Carson out of the house for me, so I could hide like a pussy. My mom had no issue giving me the hot side of her tongue if I pissed her off, and her guilt-trips were second to none. I’d told my dad I’d think about what he’d told me, but the truth was, I didn’t want to think about anything. I wanted to go home, fall into bed, and stop thinking altogether. Everything was a mess. If I tried to sort it out tonight, I’d get nowhere.

All too soon I pulled into my parents’ driveway. My dad met me at my truck, and we walked in together. My mom’s eyes came to mine, and she brought her finger to her mouth shushing me. Carson was asleep on the couch next to her. Perfect. That meant we couldn’t talk.

I picked Carson up and when my mom stood I kissed her cheek.

“Thanks, Mom.”

She reached up stroked the side of my face.

“I hope you know how much I love you, Ethan. I want nothing but happiness for you,” she whispered.

“I do, Mama.”

“Then you’ll know how much it pains me to say this, to my baby boy—you’re an ass. Let Honor in. And don’t let Chrissy steal the rest of your life. There was nothing you could’ve done to change her mind. She didn’t want my beautiful granddaughter then, and she doesn’t want her now. Do you know anything about her? Ever looked her up?”

I assumed my mom was talking about Chrissy, so I answered in the negative. I’d never been curious enough to do an internet search.

“She didn’t stop living, Ethan. She’s a doctor and doing well for herself.”

“Why are you telling me this?” I couldn’t give a rat’s fucking ass how well Chrissy was doing.

“When are you going to start living yours? You had a child, you weren’t sentenced to a life without love and happiness. Go home and make things right with Honor.”

Despite my mom’s harsh words her hand had never stopped gently rubbing my face. Where my dad could pin me with a hard stare, my mom’s eyes always softened when she delivered her lectures.

“I appreciate your concern, but I have to figure this out on my own, and like I told Dad and Lorenz, I need time to do that.”

“Don’t take too long. I can tell you from personal experience the longer the separation stretches the harder it is to mend the hurt. Often, time is the last thing you need. Seconds and minutes turn into hours, hours into days, and next thing you know days have become weeks. Time is a funny thing, Ethan. It passes you by whether you want it to or not. While you’re thinking, time is wasting. Hours can be filled with the most precious and treasured memories, or the loneliest void. Please remember while you’re thinking, so is she. And her thoughts will turn into insecurity and doubt. And you’ll have done that to her.”

My mom removed her hand from my cheek and stepped back. After a quick goodbye I put Carson in the truck and headed home. I couldn’t stop thinking about what my mom had said about Chrissy. The petty, juvenile part of me was jealous she’d gone on with her life. She didn’t have a care in the world. Chrissy hadn’t put her life on hold for her child. She’d graduated high school with her friends and had gone to college—medical school even; she was a doctor now. She’d accomplished what she’d told me she wanted to. During one of the many post-sex talks we’d had as we’d lain on a blanket in the back of my truck, looking up at the stars, she’d told me all about her dreams. Neither one of us was under the illusion we’d be together for the long haul. Not like some high school kids who swore they were in love and would be together forever. She wanted to go off to college, and I was going to join the Army. We’d known our paths would be very different and would never cross again. Then the condom broke, and we were forever connected. How different my life would be if I’d never asked Chrissy out.

The normal guilt hit my chest anytime I thought about what my life would’ve been like if I didn’t have Carson. I didn’t regret a moment of having my daughter. I never felt like I’d given up my dreams for her, I didn’t give up anything, my aspirations simply changed. Everything changed. The Army was no longer important—being a good dad was. Partying, hanging out with my friends, sports, and graduating on a stage . . . none of it could compare to Carson. Rounding the plate after hitting a home run used to be the best rush in the world. The excitement of the crowd. The cheers. My teammates’ and coaches’ praise. But none of that held a candle to what I felt when Carson smiled at me for the first time, or when she took her first steps, or hearing her jumbled da-da. I didn’t give anything up, I’d gained the world.

Why didn’t Chrissy feel the same way? For eight years the question had plagued me. Was it me she hadn’t wanted a child with? Did I do or say the wrong thing? Was I not good enough? Carson? What was it that made Chrissy leave us?

By the time I pulled into my garage and cut the engine, I was no closer to the answers I desperately needed.

The biggest one being—why in the fuck had I pulled away from Honor and why had I lied to everyone telling them I needed time?

I didn’t need time, I knew what I wanted. I was just too scared to go after it.

18

I hadn’t seen Carson or Ethan at all yesterday. Since Ethan was on nights, he slept all day while Carson was at school. What pissed me off the most was Ethan had devised a plan to avoid me. I’d left for my morning run and even though I was home ten minutes before Ethan needed to leave to take Carson to school, they were gone. Then he must’ve slipped back into the house while I was in the shower, slept all day, then waited for me to leave to go to the grocery store and bolted before I was back.

To say I was angry was an understatement.

This morning I’d skipped my run and had had my ass planted at the table with my laptop and coffee when he came down. He was fully dressed and looked like he’d planned on giving me the slip again. His mumbled good morning was awkward and forced. It was obvious he didn’t even want to share the same space as me.